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HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

Or is it just me...

By Sandra MyersPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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My parents married on the 18th. of December 1964. My mother had five children at the time. I came into the picture on the 15th. of October 1965, I thought I had an awesome life! My father was a farmer, outfitter, rancher. My mother cooked at one of our local small town restuarants. So I had many experiences growing up on a farm and learned a great many things. I had a big family( 2 sisters, 3 brothers) . I thought I was loved and wanted... but. Certain things didn`t add up after a while.

It was in my 30`s and 40`s I started doing a lot of research and Ancestry on my family and background. I wanted to know where I came from, I didn`t feel like I had fit in at all. anywhere.

It wasn`t until I went to my grandmother`s funeral that I got the truth... I had been lied to my whole life!!! My daughter went with me to the funeral. My oldest half- sister told her that they have ALL hated me since I was born. Telling my daughter that they hated me because I was my father`s only child and that he would always love me more.

I had been a bad girl growing up, at the age of 13, I ran away from home. My parents were fighting, and I was the only one left at home. I felt lost even then , like I didn`t belong. I ran away to a family friend`s house. One of the friends of my half brothers. He was 25. I lived with him for months. I had always liked him. A nice kind gentle person. I was finally caught, many times, and was sent to a girl`s school. And became a ward of the state until I turned 21. On my 18th. birthday, my mother came to visit me. My present was that they were getting a divorce. My dad had found someone else. My mom was crushed! As was I.

My father had found this woman from the UK that was living in the US , ( we found out later, on someone else card numbers). So she was in the US totally illegally! This drew a huge line between my father and me. I had found out some nasty things about this woman, told my father, and we fought, bad. He pretty much decided to dis-own me at that point. I was 25( 1990). I spent the next years until his death in 2005, trying to please him, win his love and approval... It never came. When my mother past away in 2013, and my mate and best friend of cancer, I lost all connection with my half brothers and sisters. Until my grandma`s funeral in 2019 . It seems that they only contact me when someone dies. Other then that, they could care less. When my father died, my half brother, the one dad hated most, got dad`s property. My half brother had gotten busted for selling coke for the mafia and went to prison. During that time, my 6- year- old niece was killed in a car accident. My dad and Misty were close, as was she and I. It affected me a lot. I still miss her terribly!

As I said before, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I have always felt like an out sider. My luck in life, or, anything has always been nill. I am an orphan.

My father never showed me much in the line of love or concern, or anything. How ever, I was made to do many tasks in a day, and if they weren`t done, oh man. If I did manage to get them done, I never got so much as a " good job", or a "thank you". I was just to be greatful I had what he chose to give me. As I got older, I still worked ranch jobs or guide work. On the off seasons I would do house keeping, or work waiting tables.

My mother worked as a cook for the most part. She always had some other kind of side job... Avon, Tupperware, etc. She wasn`t much of a protector or a back up for me. It was like neither one of them really wanted me. I was a change of life baby.

I have tried so hard to figure out these things that don`t make sense in life. Most of it, by myself. Do you know what it`s like to be " the black sheep of the family"? Or to have the worst luck of any human being?

I have always tried to be the best person that I can be. Honest, hard working, caring, giving... They say, " what you put out, you get back". I`m here to say... I don`t think it`s happening in this life time, maybe in the next.

I gave up everything in my life, so that my kids could have better and more than I did. What did I recieve in return... Hatred, anger, disownment..... They even kept all my grand children( 6) away from me!!!

So, at 55 years of age now. I ask myself. Why... why am I here? No one cares, no one misses me, no one needs me... I don`t fit in, ... where do I go from here? What do I do? I continue to give and do for those older than me, and those in need of an extra hand. But, I`m not living... I`m merely existing. Day to day, alone, I have nothing of value, and have no value...

There is SO much more to this whole story, I`ve only touched on a few things. I`m greatful for my rescue pets, two pitbulls, and two Bombay cats. I love them! I have also recently found out that my family from Ireland is from a Royal Blood Line!!! So that was just too cool!!! We also have family ties to the Ringo`s, Ford`s, and Youngers!!! Crazy right??? But... where is it that I fit in?

So, I get up everyday, take care of my pets, have my tea, and start another day. I wish I could go to Ireland. Maybe find some land still in the family... check out the old castle sites. Maybe find a little home there. That would be really cool!!!

As kids, we were always told, blood is thicker than water...

grief
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About the Creator

Sandra Myers

I am a straight up honest, to the point person. I don`t believe in beating around the bush.. on anything.

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