How to Talk to Your Daughter About Sex Without Shaming Her

I can’t imagine having an open conversation with either of my parents about sex, even now, as an adult. Anytime I’ve tried, with my mother, I’ve been given disgusted looks and felt her scorn. How dare I bring up something that’s to remain private, in an open and vulnerable way?

My mother and I don’t have the closest relationship, so it’s somewhat understandable that we’d both have difficulty discussing something as sensitive as sex. My father was already gone by the time this topic came to light, so I don’t have any personal experience with that.

What I can tell you, is I refused to raise my sons or my bonus daughter in a closed minded, tight lipped household.

Your daughter is going to have sex. And not just penetrative PIV sex. Everything that goes with ‘sex’. She’s going to touch herself. She’s going to touch other people. She’s going to have fetishes & kinks. She’s going to be sexually attracted to people. People are gonna be sexually attracted to her.

You have a human that you’re raising. She’s going to have sex. That’s what humans do. In no circumstance is it okay for you to punish her for having human feelings.

When she has sex, she shouldn’t be afraid of what you would say about it. She shouldn’t have to do it in secret. She shouldn’t be afraid for you to find out. Don’t try to destroy your daughter’s sexuality for any reason.

“I know what boys are after, I don’t want them to hurt her.”

All we can do is teach them, offer advice, and hope they listen. Did you stop and think for a moment, she knows all of this and wants to change the narrative? That society has shamed us, as women, enough and your daughter wants to work to change that? We all have to learn from our own mistakes. People get hurt, it’s a fact of life. Nothing we say or do will change that.

“What about STDs??”

You’re her parent. Teach her about STDs. Have her ask her gynecologist. Sit with her & learn about safe sex & birth control. It’s not hard to find informational videos on YouTube too. There’s a way to prevent STDs without abstaining from sex. Abstinence education didn’t work well for us, what makes you think it will work for your daughter? Forewarned is forearmed.

“What if she gets pregnant?”

Read the previous answer. If she gets pregnant anyway, help her to do what she wants to do with it. If she wants an abortion, take her to get one. If she wants to keep it, you still don’t get to punish her. Be disappointed, be stern, have a talk with her, but don’t ever make her feel like she’s a bad person for having sex.

“I don’t want my daughter to be a thot/slut/whore.”

It’s none of your business how many sexual partners your daughter has. It’s none of your business how many sexual partners anyone has. Sex should never be guilted or shamed. Stop and think, whose definition of those words are you concerned with? Inward reflection is something we all need.

“She won’t get any respect from men.”

If you raised her to rely on respect from men, you raised her wrong. She should not live and breathe for the respect of men. She should live for the respect of herself, and part of that includes the freedom to have sex as much or as little as she pleases.

She is not a device for men to judge and you should be ashamed of yourself if you’ve taught her that she is. Her worth should never be decided by a man, or anyone else beyond herself.

What should you do instead?

Teaching our children we are safe people for them to talk to is the first step. I’m not saying you have to be openly sexual in front of your children. But hiding our own sexuality and our feelings goes a long way towards teaching them it’s something to be ashamed of.

And it’s not.

When we take the time to show our children that all aspects of sexuality are okay and not shameful, we’ve taken the first step in teaching them they are allowed to have the feelings they have. That it’s okay to have wants, needs, and desires.

And that is beautiful.