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How to Be Married Successfully

My husband and I literally never fight. This is why.

By Melany WPublished 5 years ago 10 min read
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Disagreements are inevitable. There is no possibility of going through life with someone and agreeing 100 percent of the time. BUT when you do disagree, it doesn't have to involve yelling and door slamming.

From my non-professional experience, I've seen many couples fail because they are just too darn stubborn. Instead of telling the other person what the problem is, we put the lid on and let it simmer until the pot is full. When a little heat is added, that simmer turns into a hot, messy boil of emotions, popping all over the place, leaving a huge mess on the stove to clean up later.

If you're following my analogy, kudos to you! I have a thing for analogies.

Now, my own marriage has gone fairly smoothly. My husband and I married two months (to the day!) after we first met. Everyone thought we were crazy... and we were. We have disagreed on things, we have fought, we have taken breaks for a few days when things got to be too much. But, all in all, it has gone very well and we are proud of ourselves for that. Currently, almost six years later, we are still going strong.

Friends often say we are the "perfect couple" and that they envy our relationship in certain ways. The fact is, it has taken 100 percent every single day to make this work. That leads me to my first tip:

1. Manners

We have children, so we heavily use manners. 'Please,' 'thank you,' 'you're welcome,' 'excuse me' all over the place. This leads us to speak to each other with respect as an example for our children, as well as treat each other with the same respect we do other humans. Respect is a big one for us. Respect is the name of the game. When you speak with your partner, speak to them with love, with concern, with hope, and never with anger. Wait to speak until that anger subsides. Say, "Hey, I am really upset right now, can we talk about it after I calm down?" or "Yes, something is wrong but I need a minute." The other person should then respect that time and wait their turn so you two can discuss it like adults. The key is to keep emotions in check. Sometimes it hurts your pride, like squeezing the sharp end of a knife to keep it from stabbing you in the face (like in movies?), but it's better to cut your hand than die. (That was a fantastic analogy, c'mon, your hand is your pride... eh?)

2. Marriage Isn't 50/50

Marriage is 100/100, 100 percent of the time. You both give your all. Some days, you won't have much to give, but that is okay because your better half got you! As long as one person isn't catching the slack for the other all the time, it is okay to have an off day or a lazy day. If it is sporadic, the other person knows that something is off and they will feel more inclined to support you in your time of need, even if they don't quite understand why you feel that way. Which takes me to point number 3:

3. Sympathy and Empathy

In this age of everyone being easily offended, we are familiar with these words, but how do they play into marriage? When my husband says he had an awful day at work, I don't quite understand what an 'awful day' entails, as I have never done his job. What I do understand is that when he says he had a rough day, it is my job to make his evening easier. I'll tell him to chill on the couch and play Dark Souls while I cook dinner and bathe the kiddos. This isn't me catering to him, this is going back to number two and picking up that slack because he needs to relax. Now, if the kids need something while I am elbow deep in raw chicken, then yes, he will tend to them. It's not like its ALL on me.

4. Try to Make Each Other Happy

I don't know about other couples, but we genuinely try to make each other happier on a day to day basis. It can be a gas station candy bar, putting their phone on the charger for them, filling up their car so they don't have to do it later, making tomorrow's lunch for them, etc. It's about trying to make life easier for each other.

5. Don't Bring Things Back up

If we have overcome and obstacle in our marriage, why would we go back and try to hop over it again? Like, if you've ever gotten through a REALLY hard level of a video game, you try like hell to make it to a save point so you don't have to do it over again. I'll go extreme on this one: Say somebody cheats. It's rough, but you manage to get through it and decide to remain together—what good will it do to bring it up in six months? Y'all should be trying to slay that demon together. Both of you are trying 100 percent to renew that trust, doing whatever it takes.

6. Trust

Trust is not having to worry about your significant other betraying you. The first thing a lot of people think of is cheating. Yes, you should not have to worry about your partner cheating, but I feel like that goes a lot deeper than the obvious. When your spouse texts and says, "Hey, it's been a rough day, I'm going to have a drink with Joe/Jane Blow after work," you trust that they wouldn't give up time spent with you (and family, if applicable) unless they really needed a few minutes. This goes both ways, you can't abuse that by doing it every night. I know when my husband says he's going to have a couple beers after work, my first reaction is often anger. I've been at work all day too! I'm going straight home to see the kids, why can't he?! Then I have to stop and think, okay, he never does this so if he is pulling that card, it's because he really does need an hour to himself. He goes to the bar for an hour or two, comes home (not obliterated) and resumes being Daddy and Hubby. He feels refreshed emotionally, I have dinner ready and everyone is happy.

Using this same example, there have been times that I reply, "Hey, I totally understand, but I really need you home right now." In that scenario, he would come home because he trusts that I would not ask him to give up that time unless I really needed it. This also goes back to number one and picking up slack when your partner needs you.

Trust goes so much deeper, but you get the idea. It's also about honesty...

7. Honesty

I trust that my spouse will be honest with me. You earn honest trust by, drumroll, telling the truth! Who would've thunk it? I have never understood this, but I've witnessed people lying to their better half over nothing. True story—a friend of ours says, "Hey, I love this new shirt you gave me!" ...Puzzled, I said, "What are you talking about?" She said, "Oh, I told Bob that you gave it to me because I didn't want to tell him I went shopping." Oh. Okay. It turned out that the shirt was only $1, but that could be a different article all together.

The point being, he has made her feel guilty enough times that she is no longer comfortable telling him the truth. If your partner confides something in you, don't get mad at them. I mean, if they said they killed your puppy, go get the baseball bat, but generally, try not to act on your first emotion.

Going back to the bar scenario. What if that text had read, "Hey babe, sorry but I have to work late tonight, I'll be home a couple hours late." So, it doesn't hurt anything for me to think he is at work when he is actually at the bar. Chances are, I'd never find out the truth anyway and it wouldn't change the end result. But, what if my old friend Joanna is at the same bar and snaps a selfie with you in the background? This has now become a trust issue. So, in short, if he had been afraid of me acting on my first emotion—anger at the idea of him going to the bar—enough that he lies about it, that can then snowball into a trust issue.

Even if it does cause a first reaction of anger, it's always easier to tell the truth... and not do things you have to lie about.

8. Spend Time Together

It's super important to spend quality time together. Duh. Quality time doesn't just mean going on weekly date nights, it's finding time after the chaos of the day has ended to update each other on the days events. It's cuddling and watching a show when you finally settle down for the night. It's a simple text, "I made it to work, have a great day!" or "Hey I'm on my lunch break. Hope you're day is going well! Love you!" It really does make a difference to connect with each other throughout the day. It doesn't have to be fancy.

Side Note: Reminding your spouse to pay the water bill does not count as quality time.

9. Be Easy Going

Go with the flow, maaaan.

Seriously. Go with the flow. Don't compromise your comfort or morals but try to take life less seriously. I have informed my husband on Friday morning that my out-of-town best friend and her boyfriend will be spending the weekend with us. He once mentioned on a Thursday that my sister and brother in-law would be camping that weekend. That's cool. Friday evening he informed me that we will also be camping. I had never been before so I had to think before reacting negatively, especially since it would be our oldest son's birthday weekend as well. However, it ended up being the best weekend EVER, and our son thinks that going camping makes him turn a year older (he's 4!), and that's super cute.

This sort of goes back to trust as well. You have to trust that they are making a good decision for both of you and just go with it!

10. Open Up! (And Know When Not To!)

This one is tricky. It's something I have learned somewhat recently. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, openly expressing every emotion as I experienced it. That isn't always awful.

So, you know when you throw a grown-up tantrum and you feel like an idiot 20 minutes later? I got tired of that feeling. I learned not to react to the first emotion that I felt, which was often anger. (Side note: Anger is a secondary emotion, always caused by another feeling such as guilt, jealousy, etc.) In waiting to react, I was able to better think out my reaction, thus reducing the amount of stupid that came out of my mouth.

11. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL EVER READ

If it won't matter next week, it is not worth fighting over! Let me repeat that: if it won't matter next week, it is not worth fighting over. This is good life advice, y'all. Do not fight over something that doesn't have a lasting affect on your timeline. The damage that a fight can do to your relationship is not worth it. Suck up your pride, or whatever it may be, bite your tongue, and realize that you love this person more than whatever the issue is. You two are fighting the problem together, don't let anything get between that.

IF IT WON'T MATTER NEXT WEEK, IT IS NOT WORTH FIGHTING OVER.

These are my tips for a healthy marriage. Approach issues by respecting each other and talking to each other, rather than immediately getting angry, like they are against you. Your partner, spouse, significant other, wife, husband, better half is on your side! It's you two against the world. Obviously all marriages and people are different, but this is what's working for us pretty well. :)

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