How My Life Changed Over 2020/21

Allow me to preface this by stating that this is my own experience over the last couple of disastrous years, and I know full well that others have had it far, far worse, even losing their livelihoods or dying over the time period that I'm exploring.

2020, January. I had decided to do something with my life, finally at the age of 41. University called to me, further education had always been a personal goal of mine, though a lack of understanding of myself coupled with my lack of knowledge of what going to uni entailed and a history of mental illness (I don't think of it as an illness, however, it's always been what makes me ME!) had kept me from even completing high school studies, let alone anything higher. However, I managed it, and started at the University of South Australia, studying a degree in creative writing and performing arts.

Time jump to March, 2020. Second week of classes, there's a new virus going around the world that we're all a little concerned about. One Wednesday morning, we're in class, then we're told to GO HOME! DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, GO DIRECTLY HOME. AND STAY THERE!!!!! Home was the only place that I truly felt comfortable, so the lockdown was not really THAT much of a big deal personally, though I know that it has affected untold millions in many varied and horrific ways.

The next few months were tough, as studying STAGE PERFORMANCE via zoom was a fucking nightmare, though the creative writing and animation courses that I was doing were fine from home. When lockdown was finally lifted, just after the second semester started, things were starting to look up. I was looking forward to Music Performance, having been a guitar player since the age of 12, and playing in front of a crowd has always been something that I've thoroughly enjoyed. During this time I bought myself a new guitar, the first since my 16th birthday in fact. Things were going well.

September 2020. Had to buy a new car, as the old one had died. Shit happens, but I got a decent deal on a reasonable vehicle. Then, my father, who I had not seen in 11 years due to a falling out wherein he devalued my time on the basis that I wasn't doing anything with it anyway, as well as a multitude of other issues, most stemming from his own alcoholism and tendency to childishly blame my mother for every single thing wrong with his existence. He left when I was 6, for some context, and apart from anything else had ME take responsibility for keeping in contact. At 6. I repeat, I was ONLY 6 YEARS OLD and SOLELY responsible for keeping a relationship with AN ADULT alive. To make matters worse, my mother had always told me "Give him the benefit of the doubt, he cares about you, he's really actually a decent person, he just has a hard time showing it."

My father and I talk for several hours, clearing the air, I tell him about my university studies, he gloms onto the music instantly, as he also plays guitar. In fact, he JUST HAPPENS to have an Epiphone Les Paul in his car as a birthday present. He thought that it was my birthday, in September. It's October, for the record. He's always gotten THAT wrong. And his ONLY grandchild, but we'll come to that later...

He gives me the guitar, we start jamming fairly regularly. I want to play stuff from the 80s, 90s, primarily metal, because that's what I enjoy. His idea is 50s, 60s. 70s at a stretch. None of it remotely interesting. He very nearly killed my love of music simply by INSISTING that we ONLY play what he wants to play. He made a big show of ATTEMPTING to learn power chords, which anybody reading this that plays knows is the simplest thing in the universe, and fumbles ridiculously.

At university I am meeting all sorts of people. One girl that I'm talking to tells me that I remind her of her father. She's acting all nervous while saying this. We're in a class together, though she was only there twice that I remember. She's into swords and stuff, so I enjoy talking to her. I discover later that she's trans. That's fine with me, of course, because I'm not an intolerant arsehole.

Later on I put 2 and 2 together. I reminded of her of her father, who almost certainly responded incredibly badly when she came out to him. Got me thinking 'what would I do in that situation?'. Cody, if you ever read this, I'm sorry your father reacted that way. He deserves nothing but scorn for that. Scorn and derision. And a kick in the head.

Cut to my daughter's birthday. Old man making big song and dance about the establishment picked. Steak houses are not his bag, apparently. Not his decision, up to the birthday person. He's miffed. Long story short, it was DISRESPECTFUL. This coming from a man that has not seen his grandchild since the age of 8. He also starts talking about our inheritance, saying that he's not sure who to give it to out of the two of us.

Things continue along those lines for a few months, him insisting on respect that he doesn't return, does nothing to earn. He's insisting that I keep him supplied with certain herbs of a pricey nature, complaining all the while about the price. This has been a serious issue between us in the past, so I try to organise somewhere closer to his area that he can kind of sort himself out with. Needless to say, that goes completely out of hand.

Cut to this year. April. My father's birthday. We're out at an Indian place that he insisted on, even though my kid's mother was NOT a fan of spicy food. I don't mind, I love Indian. Until the old man starts his rant about the Chinese. Oh, for the record, he's anti-mask, anti-vaccine. Naturally. Because he's one of those 'I do my own research' types that relies on YouTube. I did MY own research as well, looking at scientific papers. Vaccines are actually really good, and I'm double jabbed.

So, my kid decides that that's enough of his shit. So do I, but he keeps coming around and hasn't done anything REALLY offensive, to the point of actually making an issue out of. Yet.

I take him to a party at a friend's place. This is in June. Old friend, that he should have known and remembered, but did not. He brings a guitar, starts playing for the crowd. A gaggle of old women that have at least a decade on him, so of course everything he's playing is stuff they're into. He takes this as a sign that EVERYBODY in the world is into the same sort of thing. Argument ensues on the way home about how no, he was playing specifically to a target audience. Everyone loves The Mamas and the Papas, apparently. Except me. Fuck them. I didn't mind them to begin with. Could tolerate them at least. NOT ANYMORE.

I tell him that I need some time and space to focus on Uni. He says that is totally fine, second year gets tougher, third year moreso. Cool. Despite this, I nearly present myself to hospital over my mental state. Not a thing I would like to do, as the mental health system in this country sucks. I've had friends die because their psychiatrists have told them exactly how much medication to take to kill themselves with, that sort of thing. So I DON'T trust that system at all. Even still, I'm really close to admitting myself. Then, one of my oldest friends dies. This is during another lockdown period, of course, so the memorial service had to be postponed.

Feeling depressed has always made me withdraw from people, especially family. Turns out that's fairly common. Totally reasonable.

I get in touch with my kid, as we've not seen or spoken to one another since the old man's birthday in April, it is August by this stage. I'm driving us back to my place, with the plan of cooking a big roast pork lunch/dinner thing for the two of us and my mother.

Kid turns to me, tells me that she's actually a trans dude now. This is kind of mind blowing, totally unexpected and a little bit of a shock. One that I'm okay with, for the record. LGBTQI+ folks are fine with me, my best friend growing up, her mother was gay. Plus, performing arts degree at uni. I'm almost surrounded by such people, so even if I HAD had an issue with them, I would either have dropped out because of 'all the gays' or just dealt with it. Plus, given the previously related experience with my classmate, there was NO WAY I was taking that badly.

So, though I now have a son, he has my full support and love. No matter what. Of course, I am dreading informing my old man. He'd react badly. He told me in one sentence once, in the early days of his return, that he 'has no tolerance for crazies' and that 'all LGBTQI+ people are drama queens'. What a thing to say to one's schizophrenic son? Full of the support, hey?

Anyway, I didn't need to worry about that. He sent me an email explaining that since I hadn't bothered to make contact with him, he was writing me and his grandkid out of his will. Not "Hi, son, how are you?" just "You don't respect me so you don't deserve my house and guitars."

What I deserved was a loving and compassionate father that was willing to take the time and effort to get to know me as an individual human, rather than treating me as an extension of himself. What I deserved was a competent example of manhood. Not the toxic piece of crap that I had. What I deserved was someone that was going to listen when I tried talking to him, rather than blaming all of his own shortcomings on my mother.

At least I had a perfect example of how not to be a father.

Anyway, that is my life-altering experience based on 2020/21 so far. I can only hope that things are less hectic going forward, and honestly that was only the tip of the iceberg.