How Kids Relay Their Feelings and Emotions

I have no idea where I read it, but I fully agree with it.

Meltdowns/tantrums/young kids upset is their attempt to get us to feel what they feel.

That’s it, that’s the post. Roll credits.

It works, doesn’t it? When your toddler is crying, don’t you want to sit down and cry with them sometimes? When your preschooler is screaming, you want to (and sometimes do) scream back?

See, it works. That’s why I fully believe in it.

I have done it all.

Why do tantrums trigger us so much?

We’re uncomfortable with our emotions.

Learn how to feel your feelings

When you were a child how did the people around you respond to your big emotions? For most of us, not very well. We were punished, scolded, or shamed.

Few of us got empathy, validation, or teaching on self-soothing.

I’m not blaming anyone’s parents, and I’m not blaming you for how you react to your kids upset. I’m just pointing out that these aren’t something we learned. When skills like empathy and soothing weren’t modelled or taught, we can’t use them. Your parents weren’t taught either, and neither were theirs.

If you had parents that taught you empathy and self-soothing, THANK THEM and then teach someone else to do it too.

If you didn’t learn this. Start with empathy toward yourself, and practice calmness every day.

Staying Calm is a Practice

We aren’t sure what to do

I hear this story from toddler parents often. Their child got upset about who opened the door, turned off the light, or poured their juice. They wanted to do it themselves, or wanted someone else to fill their needs. Now they are screaming on the floor, and so the parent logically offers to turn the light back on or allow them to pour a fresh glass. Whatever, they try to erase the past, but it’s too late. The child is overwhelmed on the floor.

NOW WHAT? You can almost see the poor parent in the story staring at you through the camera. HELP ME.

I’m a fixer by nature. I want to solve the world’s problems. And I don’t want my kid to be upset, so I want to fix whatever caused their distress.

However, I can’t always do that.

Empathy is fixing. — Vivek Patel

Empathy doesn't stop kids from feeling emotions but you should use it anyway

Upset is a warning. Behavior is communication

Our kids being upset is like a red alert from the Enterprise. SOMETHING IS WRONG AND NEEDS OUR ATTENTION. Right now.

Our brains go into emergency mode and we want to stop it. I’m sure there’s some hard-wired reason we do this.

Especially with infants, they cry because it’s the only way they can communicate with us. Same is true for preschoolers and toddlers. Because once emotion overwhelms them, they can’t always access the part of their brain used for language.

In research for this I found a study that found crying may help us connect and bond with others, so that may play into the role of upset expression. It’s a chance to connect.

I always tried to use the mantra “this is not an emergency” when kids crying triggered this phenomena in me. And then I could focus on empathy and meeting needs.

Those are the major reasons I’ve found that upset is so triggering for us as parents. The good news is we can learn to calm ourselves and respond with empathy to help our kids learn to manage their big feelings.

What do you find most triggering about meltdowns?

Let me know your biggest parenting struggles and I’ll address them in future articles.