How I Lost My Boy When He Was Just 15

by Barbs S 2 years ago in grief

And why I think that maybe it was for the best.

How I Lost My Boy When He Was Just 15

"All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds," Said Gottfried Leibniz in 1710. An optimist might believe this is indeed the case... an optimist who also believes in the Supreme Being. God couldn't make a wrong decision, so despite the multitude of different choices we could make, the ones we make under his guidance are always the right ones. So probably someone with a strong faith and happy in their simplistic view of the world we live in.

Personally, I like the idea of a multiplicity of worlds existing alongside one another, each one slightly different, with different outcomes and events.

For instance.. in my world, my son dies at 15 from an accidental drug overdose, thus depriving us of endless possibilities as his amazing intellect led him in his quest for knowing where he rocketed mankind forward in the quest for life on another planet... or discovered a cure for cancer. The possibilities are endless.

In a parallel universe, perhaps he wakes in the morning, with sick in his hair, thinks himself lucky. Who knows what next... he could decide to turn over a new leaf, (oh the irony... it was the leaf that led him astray) gets his head down and studies hard. Actually, that would probably lead to the same outcome as in my world. So what if....

He ended up in hospital, had another miraculous escape, which reinforced his belief that he was encased in Teflon and nothing could touch him? Leading to his even more certain view that he was morally and intellectually superior to mere mortals, in particular, his mother?

He already had a very black and white view about the morals or otherwise of censorship on the internet. I have a strong suspicion that he might have ended up being one of those geeky 19-year-olds who get their house raided by the FBI having hacked into the security systems in MI6 and the CIA. So this scenario leads to 199 years in Guantanamo Bay. Not the best outcome.

Or how about... he carries on with his little pub job, learns to socialise a bit more, lets go of some of the angst and relaxes? Leading to meeting someone who adores his funny and loving personality, and fancies the pants off the beautiful physical specimen he was becoming. So eventually, they get together, have babies, live a long and happy life together, incidentally making me a happy nana? I'm afraid that one was never on the cards.

Back to a more believable alt universe... He spends so much time online, during his anxiety-ridden adolescence... that he becomes one of those kids we read about and do our "Prevent" training to identify. With his insecurities and his high intelligence, he would have been a prime target for someone or some group to target and attempt to radicalise. So in another alternative universe do I go into his room and find a neatly made bed, an empty bank account and a missing passport?

And so it seems that all barring one, his short and shining time with us was not going to have the best outcome. Does this mean that I have to accept the initial concept? Is it really a case of "All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds"? Who can say....

I know as my child's mother, I would take any alternative reality to have him back with me. But the more I think about the possible future for my boy, sometimes, I feel he truly wasn't meant to stay with us for more than a short time. So maybe at the end of the day... old Leibniz wasn't too far off the mark.

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Barbs S

Always wanted to write, never made myself sit down and do it. The greatest joys of my life are my children, the biggest sadness the loss of one of them. Blessed with a fantastic family and friends. Love wine, cooking and writing. 

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