How Hard It Is to Lose a Parent

It's been almost 3 years since I lost my father. My father suffered mental health issues, the same ones I suffer from as well. My father died of suicide, left so many questions unanswered. It was a sudden death, as I was out with a friend after I called my mother and heard her crying. See when my mother would cry, I knew something was always wrong. I figured at the time something had happened to my grandmother, but to this day she's still alive and well, close to the age of 95.

My father's mental health always spent days decaying, getting worse and worse it seemed. He was sick, and I was struggling to understand everything that was going on with him. I spent times talking my father out of suicide, several times to be exact. I told him if nothing else made him stay, let my baby sister be the reason he would stay. I had already grown up with him, she hadn't. I wanted her to be able to have him, as I would have gotten by without him if I needed to.

I lost my mother around a year after I lost him. This year in September will be 2 years since I lost her to a terrible cancer battle. I loved my mother dearly, and I was much closer to her than I was to my father, while my baby sister was much closer to our daddy. She was a daddy's girl through and through. She had a different mother, but to this day her mother treats me as if I'm her own child. I love her dearly, she reminds me a lot of my own mom. I call her mom occasionally. She doesn't seem to mind, at least I hope she doesn't.

But seeing what the effects are in the aftermath of a suicide, or the aftermath of losing someone to cancer, it is a horrible experience. There's many things you wish you had done differently, there's many things you wish you had said. For my father, I wish I would have said I'm sorry for all the fights I caused and all the things I had said. I wished the same for my mom. I put my parents through hell in my teenage years, most teenagers do. But I wish I would have done things much differently.

February 28th is when my father passed. He shot himself on February 24th. My mother's birthday is February 20th, so the entire month I feel like I'm in emotional turmoil. I am currently attempting to get a little vial necklace to put my mom's ashes in so I can keep her close. I have a necklace for my daddy, and I keep it put up when I'm not wearing it. I don't like losing it.

I often look at my mom’s urn and wonder what I could have done differently when she was alive. I could have spent more time at home, but I also could have spent more time watching tv with her or just doing things she loved to do. I enjoyed watching her crochet baby blankets, and I keep those tucked away. I miss her dearly, as I do my father as well.

I find that my writing helps me cope, it helps me get my feelings out on all the pages. I like this site, it's slowly changing my life as I find I am able to get all my words out on my virtual pages. Thank you, vocal. Thank you, readers. You help support what I love to do.

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