How do I go on without her?

how do I go on without her?

22 years old and my mom, my best friend in the world is gone.

Everything is duller. The birds are quieter. The sun is there, but it doesn’t shine the way it used to. Even the wind seems to have disappeared; it’s hard to catch my breath sometimes. The laughter of the school kids walking outside seems quieter. The hustle and bustle of the busy street I live on seems far away.

It’s like I’m trapped in a bubble of grief.

Everything feels worse without her. Often my heart can’t handle the weight of the grief so it spills over into tears.

You aren’t supposed to lose your mother at 22. I was just finishing university when she got sick. We were supposed to have so many more years and memories. She was ripped away from me far too early and I’m angry at the universe for it.

I’m afraid every day will be like this. That the birds won’t sound happy to me when they sing. That the sun won’t shine bright again. That the sky will always seem duller. That the sharp sting of grief will never soften and I’ll have to live with this stabbing pain forever. That the huge hole that’s been left in my heart will never be filled again.

That this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life without her- dull skies, tear stained pillows, the heart wrenching sobs I let out at 3 am on the bathroom floor begging to be with her again. The holidays and birthdays each year, another reminder of the fact that she isn’t here.

Nobody understands. Her death turned my life upside down and shook me to the core of my being. It changed my perspective on the world in every way possible. This is a battle I fight every single day.

How do you move on, let alone navigating learning to be an adult, without the one person who means the most to you in the world? Who taught you everything you know about life? Who you talked to every single day on the phone or in person ever since you were old enough to talk? Who was always there for you, even when you were a bratty teenager? Who loved you unconditionally? Who worked so hard as a single mom to make sure we had everything? Who was taken at only 53 years old from cancer. She was robbed. She deserves to be here.

How do I do this?

How do I go on without her??

This world just feels so empty but so heavy at the same time. Like when she left she was replaced by this heavy grey cloud that poured its rain down on me and the skies have yet to part.

It’s like wanting to go home but home doesn’t exist anymore. Home was where she was.

Its like waking up living someone else’s life but no one else has noticed anything has changed. I feel like an imposter. This isn’t my life. Who are they talking about? Who’s mother died? Surely not mine, right? This can’t be real.

Nothing feels entirely familiar or foreign; rather somewhere in between as if the world around me was a charcoal drawing being blended together. What once started as clear separation of black and white has now become a dizzying mess of grey, and the harder I try to fit the pieces back together the worse it looks.

When do the colours come back? The world is grey without her. She was the whole rainbow, the spectrum, every beautiful and vibrant colour gone from this world as if they were all cremated with her and turned into grey ashes.

I miss you, mom.