How Did We Get Here and Where Are We Going From Here

So here we are, I missed my cycle, did all the things, set up an 8 week appointment, started taking vitamins and went about my life with the happy news that we were expecting. I made sure not to lift too much at work, rest when I needed to and just be happy. Now all that was left to do was start the anticipated upcoming appointments, eat healthy, make sure i was staying active, but not too active and build a human.

For about 2 weeks we were in complete bliss. My husband was doing great recovering from surgery and I was on the road to motherhood, nothing could be better. We even planned and were able to tell our parents and immediate family for Christmas. It was a wonderful surprise, and as expected in such an announcement, everyone cried.

Within a week everything changed. A few days after our big announcement, I had some cramping. I didn't think anything of it at first, because most women experiencing cramping early in pregnancy and often also throughout; by some time closer to the next weekend, my husband and i went out for breakfast and when we left i felt something funny, I looked over to my husband and said, "why do i feel wet?". I instinctively checked and there it was, red as an apple. In that moment panic set in and the only thing i could think to say was, "take me to the hospital."

We spend hours in the ER, my husband updated his parents and my parents came to meet us there. The bleeding finally started to settle down, my nerves calmed a bit and as per the ultrasound, everything looked good and mini me was perfectly implanted. But since we had experienced the whole ordeal they instructed us to make an appointment with your regular OB just to double check. That Friday I go and see the OB and they take a look and tell me that the heartbeat is weak, but everything else looks good, but just to make sure and keep an eye on things we made an appointment to come back the following Monday to do a beta and take another look. The ultrasound tech was very quiet during the scan, took all her pictures and then had me wait in the waiting again.

The doctors finally calls me back again and tells me there's no more heart beat. Thank God, I had my husband in the room at the time. We both lost it and i just buried myself into him. How could this be happening, and so soon. I didn't even have time to do anything wrong, we just found out and by the time i left the office we had a scheduled appointment for the next morning to clear out my uterus.

So there I was the next morning getting checked into a different hospital to have a D&C, so emotionally numb that it for a moment just felt like any other day, until i walked into that cold, white operating room, with nothing but the doctor, a few nurses, their tools and a bed that i was to be strapped down to and put to sleep. And just like that, here we are, home finally from the hospital for recovery except it was my turn to be the one being taken care of.

After some recovery time and a period of grieving, i was back on my feet, back at work and we finally started trying again. We were on a path of longing and determination to become parents and while we were going to take things as they came and try to relax through it and do out best to not let it become a chore, it became a chore and a road of disappointments.