Honest Motherhood

When my son was born, my partner kept telling me I was strong. The strongest person he'd ever met. Most days I didn't feel strong. Most days I felt really tired, a little weepy and overwhelmed.

What kind of person was I now? Explorer? Wanderer? Mother? Wife? Daughter?

No longer the cat who walks by herself.

And then the daily struggle of wondering what I'd forgotten in the newborn hazy days of little sleep. Did I remember to swap the laundry? Order the groceries? Pick up diapers?

They tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but they don't tell you that you'll want to eat and clean and shower while the baby sleeps. That you'll want to use that precious few moments to DO something, just for you.

They don't tell you that sometimes even though there's lists of things to do, all you'll do when the baby sleeps is watch them sleep and think about how much you love them and oh how tired you are.

And with my arms full of tiny human every day I found that some days it was hard to imagine doing anything else…and other days it was hard to keep moving.

I tried to be strong…to be solidly grounded, Responsible and practical. I tried to look after all the odds and ends of our life. To catch up the laundry, to clean the floors and cook good food. To try and love that new little human and my partner all as much as they needed and still squeeze in a walk for the dog and maybe some tea for me.

But some days I felt like I was breaking. I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't really even know what I needed. Being a new parent was a strange, alien world where intuition met doubt every day.

It’s incredibly unsettling, to be needed so completely by another human. To give up hours of sleep, to let life tumble and settle into strange new patterns of living. And while the challenge of raising a little person was and is incredibly wonderful…it is also immensely difficult.

Wakeful nights, slow, dreamy mornings. Milk sticky cheeks, cat naps and endless piles of laundry. As new parents we found it both unsettling and magical. We are not the people we were before beginning this parenting journey and it's taken us time to understand that. I have moved into the realm of mother and I am finding myself and my strength in so many different places. There are depths to love I had never imagined. I could not have made this transition into motherhood without learning how to ask for help, without learning to trust myself, without leaning on other people for support. I have learned I AM strong. I am capable. But I have also learned that I need to be held as much as the children I am holding. I have learned I am stronger when I stand with others. I learned how intensely I needed support from the village and that is why I have started building Home Roots - now just a seedling of an idea but soon to grow into a nourishing space for families. Because when mothers are healthy, families are healthy. Because home is the place where you put your roots, a place where you grow and learn in the safety of of loving relationships. Because building a peaceful and happy home isn't always easy, no matter how strong you are. In the absence of parenting in the village, Home Roots is here to hold you. Tell me, how do you wish you had been held after becoming a parent?