home

What is your home? What was your childhood home and what is it now? Who have you become during that journey through homes?

I've asked myself this question too many times. The answer always seems to change with every new life experience I have. Is it nurture over nature or nature over nurture? What is the right answer and will we ever know? I don't think so. Our homes change and the person we were can become lost like a cloud of smoke.

Over the years, my perception of my childhood seems to dissipate but for some, it come backs as fast as a rocket ship. Mine wallowed up inside of myself and only came out as words on a page so I could finally understand what trauma I actually endured. Why was I so angry all the time? Why was I anxious in every social situation, even with family? Why was I so uncomfortable being myself? The words speak for themselves. Let's take a walk down memory lane to understand what my "home" felt like to me. You'll see a poem I wrote as a 16 year old in 2016, a 19 year old in 2019, and now, a 25 year old mother in 2024. The 2 earlier poems are untouched as a way to preserve "who I was" then. It's important to express that my "home" now is not only my home but my daughter's and my husband's. The way I build my home will forever shape the outcome of her life and I hope that it consists of giggles and love, not anger and despair. This is my truth and I'm happy to share that I'm trying to do better. We can always do better than what we were given. We can break generational trauma. Our children don't have to endure the same life we lived, they deserve to know what it feels like to be loved and wanted. They deserve better and so did you. This is my "home" but what is yours?

home, written in 2016

i am from bickering & yelling

i am from late night breakdowns but not by myself

i am from 11 different places,

places that gave me shelter against the harsh world

i am from homemade meals made by grandma

i am from the love of the ones surrounding me

i am from the kindness others have given me

but that doesn’t cancel out the bullshit

i am from screaming throats

i am from physical fights between family

i am from tears and depression

i am from a mind that never stops thinking

i am from a family that never gives up

i am from a place where happiness & sadness come together

this place is warm & nurturing with a taste of evil

home, written in 2019

i am from laughter and love

smiling from ear to ear

giggles heard down the block

i am from fudgesicles by the pool

& my grandmother's voice yelling "wait 30 minutes before you get in"

i am from splinters in the tips of fingers from climbing trees

calluses on my palms & mud under my nails

i am from my grandmother's cooking & mom's food stamps

homemade pies & off-brand cereal

i am from gossip between adults & anger between children

never getting what they want & always seeing red

i am from two sides divided by hatred

but connected by three innocent children

i am the middle

but the middle isn't so bad

it's joy & disappointment all wrapped up in one

it's soccer after school but no tournaments on the weekend

it's love between one another, despite the hardship

i am the love that brings them together

i am from love

home, written in 2024

she is from adventures & giggles

she is from disney dance parties with mom

& laughter from tickles with dad

she is from pool days in the summer with mom's margaritas close by

she is from constant cuddles all night

& instant good mornings when she opens her eyes

she is from mom's chocolate chip cookies but only when she's in the mood

she is from dad's yelling at football, while she yells too

she is from water in her boots from the creek

& wood chips in her sandals from the park

she is from a new adventure every day that ends with a movie at night

she is from a village of humans who love her more than life itself

those humans are her family

but those humans are also the family I grew up with

it's funny how things change

she is from days with great grandpa to nights at the grandparents

who give her too much ice cream

but it brings a grin to her face

every need she has is fulfilled or so it seems

she is from a happy life with a cloud of sadness creeping in

she is from two parents who are trying to make things work

but there's still yelling & harsh words

now, it's become "go away dad" as an attempt to reconcile the night

she is only 2 and a half and that is not okay

she deserves more than a home that is breaking into pieces

she deserves to see what true love looks like

& how it feels to be the product of it

she deserves to feel love

i hope she comes from love