Hey Mom

Hey mom.

I never told you this but, I still don’t know what I am doing. I pretend that everything is fine but really it feels like, I’m in a room and it's on fire and there are no doors. I know I wrote you a letter to you a month ago saying I got a job. I don’t have that job anymore. I know, shocker right? I am being honest by saying, I did try my best. Heck, I got sprayed in the face with pepper spray. I can say, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. I know, I haven’t talked to you in a while. There is a reason for that, a reason I never told you before. Remember when I was younger and I started to struggle with school? Remember I had one friend who was a grade younger than me? Remember when I asked you for help? Well, I was struggling with my identity. Since I was adopted I never felt like I really knew who I was.

Well I guess the struggles didn’t escape your ever watchful eyes, right? The reason why I stopped talking to you, is because, you had me tested for down syndrom. That is right, remember that mother? You took me to the doctor for a physical and you paid off your doctor friend to test my blood for chromosomes or lack there-of. You lied to me and betrayed me, I was struggling with life and you made it that much worse. So that’s why I never called you or sent a text message. I hope you understand.

There is also something else that I havn’t mentioned. I was arrested. Yes, me, your child is a delinquent. To be honest, a lot was happening. My mother in law had recently passed away. I didn’t handle it well. She was slowly becoming my rock. Honestly, I could rely on her for almost anything. She was building me up to be the person I wanted to be. I guess all that came undone because in my grief I did stupid things. So I didn’t tell you all this because I was ashamed.

Well, I guess I wrote everything I wanted. It does feel good, getting this off my chest. Happy Mother’s Day mom, I know your two golden children will be making you the happiest mother in the world. So I know the family is making you happy, on the greatest day for mothers. Your black sheep of a daughter still love you, even though at one point you hit me with a rosary because I ask you if you loved me. I do still love you mother. I just love you from far away.

How is my adopted sister? Mom have you spoken to my adopted brother? There is something I found out recently. Did you know I have a full-blooded sister? I think she might be twelve. I am not really sure how old she is. I do know her name, her name is Rose. I don’t know much about her. I didn’t contact her because I was afraid. I was afraid she didn’t know she was adopted. I was afraid that she would want to meet her birth parents. Did you know my biological father is dead? How do you tell that to someone who might not even know she was adopted in the first place. Although, I do know now, that I have three half-siblings. So that’s entertaining. I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. Though I believe that the half-brother is currently going down a dark path. So I haven’t tried to contact him. I really didn’t think that would be a good idea.

I can’t really think of anything else to add. I kind of rambled for a little bit. Sorry about that. My husband says I can get diarrhea of the pen. I can kind of see where he is coming from, to be honest.

Your loving daughter,

Anna KayLee