Hello, Old Friend, I see you're back...

Well hello, Old friend. I see you've showed up unannounced again. Shows how close we really are, no introduction or reminders needed. Just pop in and just as quickly be on your way.

This time it was at the mall. The Holidays are quickly approaching, and it is that time of year. James and I were shopping for winter clothes for our rainbow who was about to turn 2. He had grown 3 inches since July, and all his pants are way too short. Amazing how quickly time seems to go with him.

As we are about to leave and check out, I see the Christmas clothes and swoop by with the stroller to see if there is anything cute for his picture with Santa. I love getting his picture taken with Santa.

And there you were, standing there with a sly grin next to the rack. My heart quickly sank when I saw you and hit the floor. It had been awhile since you showed up and stayed with any longevity. Sometimes you text or call, but then aren't heard from again for a while. This time your presence lingers.

You show me the Mickey Mouse Christmas dress that Willow & Hazel would look so incredibly adorable in. The two on the rack are 3T as well. The dresses would be just their size at this time of year. Dex, our rainbow, LOVES Mickey Mouse, so of course they would too. I break down sobbing right there in the store. I shake uncontrollably. You caught me soo off guard. I had no time to collect myself.

James runs ahead and had me push the stroller out of the store while he pays. So many people are staring, but are they looking at me… or see you following heavily behind. I try and collect myself and walk away.

I didn't say goodbye as I left, I knew you'd be back eventually. The problem is you never really left. You hang around, stalking, waiting for me to drop my guard. This time though, you've hung around. Almost every day I hear from you.

You trigger me in so many unexpected ways. I caught myself sobbing over a Taco Bell packet the other day. It was just there on the counter at work. Misplaced by a co-worker. But you, you were quick to look over my shoulder and point out that the cheesy bean and rice burrito was the only thing I could hold down for over a month and a half while pregnant with the twins.

It's been nearly 3 years since the girls died, the first year I relied heavily on you, you carried me everywhere. Last year, you popped up right after Dex arrived and around milestones with him (you weren't going to miss those, were you?) but largely stayed around the edges.

So why? Why are you hanging around so much this last month? Do you feel like family? Must you come to every Holiday?

Well, my friend Grief, consider yourself uninvited for the Holidays. You've overstayed your welcome this year. We need some distance and time to grow apart. A distant memory, never forgotten of course, but pushed to the back.

I can think about my daughters without crying now. I can smile when I think of them. I can feel joy when I think about them, so it is time you moved out of town. I don't mind the occasional visit every now and then, after all, you were a big part of my life and of memories of the girls.

Goodbye means forever, so let's just say goodnight.