He'll Never Know His Daughter

by Halie Steider 2 years ago in adoption

His Loss

He'll Never Know His Daughter

He'll Never Know His Daughter

Everyone has their story. My story replays like a movie in my head. But not like a good movie where you want to snack on some popcorn and kick back and enjoy. No, not like that. More along the lines of "Umm..what the fuck did I just watch?" kind of movie. Let's rewind the tape back 23 years. My mom was dating a Navy sailor. Romantic, huh? It was up until those two blue lines appeared, then he was gone. Fast forward eight months after I was born. My mom met a wonderful man who chose to be my father. They got married when I was two and then at three years old, The Sailor revoked his rights and allowed my FATHER to adopt me.

Until I was six, I believed that the man I called, "daddy" was actually my biological father. Both of my parents sat me down and explained that "Uncle S" was not actually my uncle and was actually my biological father. The Sailor started coming around more and spending more time with me. I would go to his house on the weekend where he lived with his wife at the time (he was previously married to my mom's now ex-best friend). Things were good for a while until they weren't. See, The Sailor would just come and go as he pleased. At this point he left...again.

Fast forward to when I was about 12 years old. Guess who shows back up in my life! Ding ding! See, The Sailor was stationed in Japan so our communications consisted of emails and occasional phone calls. I found out that he had remarried AGAIN because his wife from when I was six years old gave birth to my little brother and then later left him at day care and ran off with another man. So now I have a brother but that's not all. The Sailor married a woman who had a son from her previous marriage who is also the same age as my brother. Oh, and she's pregnant with my sister. I was devastated because he couldn't even tell me the news, his wife had to. He could have another daughter and love her but not love the daughter he already had? It was shortly after that, that he dropped off the face of the Earth again instead of coming to visit me for Christmas.

Five years later and I'm a senior in high school and a mother. He reaches out to my mother asking about me. I make the choice to open up once again knowing that I would only be exposing my heart to be broken. My fiancee convinced me to go visit them in Virginia where he was stationed at the time. I was hesitant but I knew this could be my only time to meet my siblings until they are 18. So we went down to Virginia for Christmas. It was nice but it didn't feel natural. I wanted so bad for it to feel like it was meant to be but it clearly wasn't. We stayed in contact for about six months. He even drove up to be at my graduation party. I knew that when he went back home he was being deployed so I wanted to make the best of it. But he left without saying goodbye. That did something to me.

I changed my way of thinking. I was so tired of crying and wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. Why he didn't love me. I learned my self worth. I learned to love myself. So now I am 23 and I honestly didn't think anything else could happen that would leave me feeling as puzzled as it did. I'm scrolling threw Facebook and I come across a picture of his current wife holding a baby with the caption, "I love being a grandma." I was a bit confused because I know my brother and step brother didn't reproduce and my sister is 11. So I asked and I was blocked. Alrighty then. So I creep on the girl who was tagged in the picture. Whoa...The Sailor walked her down the aisle and gave her away on her wedding day!? She's calling him dad!? Is she my sister? I message her. She tells me it's none of my business and if I so badly want a relationship with my father, I should take it up with him. Wow! I never thought of that! She ended up blocking me as well. I recognized her last name. It's the same last name of The Sailor's ex-wife who is now remarried. What? Well it appears that my biological father is fathering the daughter of his ex-wife's current husband. I want to know how that happened. Now mind you this girl is older than I am. I want to know how this all worked out. He can be a father and grandfather to his ex-wife's husband's biological daughter and granddaughter but he can't be father to me and a grandfather to my son? It's okay. We don't need him. I laugh because I just see how stupid he is. I thought it was me all along. I thought I did something for him not to want me. Something's wrong with him, clearly.

Moral of the story is lift your head up. No one is worth your tears. The pain you feel is sculpting you into the person you are meant to be. Embrace it and stop blaming yourself because somethings are just beyond your control. And it's okay to laugh at your own story because only you know it best.

adoption
Halie Steider
Halie Steider
Read next: Allie on the Sand
Halie Steider

I'm human. I'm a mom and wife. My stories have molded me into who I am today. Writing gives me my outlet I can't express verbally.

See all posts by Halie Steider