Hate

To say the least, my life is a fucking train wreck at the moment as it has been for quite a while. I thought I may have had it all in check at sometimes, but it would always come crumbling down every time that thought ever entered my mind. Usually they say get therapy, or connect with nature, but what if your body, your soul and mind don’t allow you to do that, and each day spent in bed becomes the reason for this suffering. What do we do then? Not a single person’s words are going to help, be it good or bad ones. The bad ones just constantly hurt, and the good ones you're questioning yourself about. Like is this really true, am I really a beautiful, clever, and confident individual. This feeling leaves you questioning the slightest of things, as well as the most important ones, such as your own life.

I had a pretty typical life from birth. Grew up in the West, so you know more privileged than most others in this dying world. Got an education, well half of it, and started feeling the effects of the ‘upbringing’ and ‘surroundings’ that I grew up in. I came from quite a large immediate family, and well, the rest were just everywhere, not that I actually cared about them, but being the Scorpio I am I would always have this guilt that I could have done some things to maybe change the way certain family members, as well as other acquaintances were feeling. Anyways we move forward…

I am currently 21 years and 10 months, and it’s safe to say that I feel as though I have probably felt more heart-breaking feelings than maybe an 80-year-old, but that’s just the way I feel, right. I grew up a weird child. I never had a solid friendship, never even a solid feeling of what I wanted in life, so I can’t really put that blame on anyone but myself. But it always breaks my heart to think that, unlike most other people, I didn’t really have anyone I could turn to in times of hardship or need. I try look at my upbringing, and it never makes sense to me, because other siblings of mine have friends, and they do find ways to make things work, whereas I don’t.

I don’t know, maybe I was dropped as a child. Anyhow, during my years in primary school I felt like I had potential, I would enjoy the education side of school, but not necessarily the ‘fun’ side of school. I liked some teachers, and some I wasn’t quite fond of, but again that is normal with most kids, so what was it. After completing primary school and gaining some average results, even though I was told I had worked hard and would have some amazing ones, I moved onto high school. High school is known to shape a child. You learn career goals, and make some lifetime friends. But it was the opposite for me. I left high school with ‘okay’ grades again (not like I can boast about them), and also left with no friends. And to this day, five years on, I can say I have no friends from high school, but that would probably be because my parents and siblings would warn me about every person I ever became friends with, and how they are not a good example. But hey ho. After leaving high school, I wanted to go into dental nursing straight away, as on career days I just loved the whole concept. Growing up and having the conversation with my parents about what they wanted me to do when I was older was always a conversation I always hated, because it would always just strictly be ‘you are going to go into dentistry, because you are left handed. For 16 years growing up, and talking about what I wanted, it always ended up with what they wanted. And when it came to leaving high school and mentioning what I wanted to do and now, all of a sudden they don’t like the idea of me going into dental nursing. Yes, it isn’t dental school, but its more or less what I was able to do at the time, and something that I would enjoy. Anyways after my dad consulted with my elder siblings, they decided that it’s not a good idea and I should go and get my A levels. Which I then applied to do, but they didn’t like where I wanted to go. So, I went to my new sixth form for one day before they pulled me out of that school, and put me into the school that my elder sibling had gone to, because it was ‘oh so good’. By the way I hated this school and out of two years of A levels, I only stayed one because of how much I hated it.

Anyway, after dropping out and being so damn confused, I just stayed at home for a while until I found a job. Now I had worked before, but it wasn’t really work, and that’s a story for another day. So, I started working in a store and would think to myself, I am really fucking depressed, and this job isn’t helping I need out. Even though it was good having my own money, I hated the way I felt. I knew there was more for me in life. Now science was a subject that I always achieved well in, and which my teachers would also tell me that I was good at. So, I found a course at a college and decided I wanted to study. Now I know what you’re thinking. Was this a problem too? Yes, it was indeed. My parents didn’t trust me to go there on my own, and decided to send my ‘younger sibling’ who was due to start college too at that time there with me. I mean come on, from day one they didn’t trust me, which is why I could never really do what I wanted to in life. Anyway, I started this college with high hopes, and I thought I would do amazing. I started and became instantly filled with excitement, I loved the freedom, and I loved the subject even more. It was amazing. This is where it all went downhill.

Remember at the beginning when I said whenever I think I have everything in check it all basically goes to shit. Well this is it. This is where I met someone who I bonded with almost instantly, and let’s just say this was the first and last friend I was ever going to make. This friend was amazing, so fun and outgoing, let’s say she took me right out my shell. Yeah until she met my family and siblings who totally hated her, and made her feel like shit when she came over. But this time I thought to myself that I am not going to let them get in the way, and I am going to pursue this friendship because it is my life, and they shouldn’t have a say, right—"yeah right." After the first year out of two years in college, I had some lecturers who totally hated me for no particular reason. I mean on the day of enrollment for second year I was told by one of these lecturers that I would not be able to carry on to the second year, and that there isn’t really any other option for me.

Yeah wow, I left that day and thought "fuck this," and went straight back into my job. Full time by the way, which drained the living shit out of me. I hated it, but I still went and put my all into it. The adrenaline I got from working 10x harder than the other colleagues is what kept me going. It gave me satisfaction when the manager would be pleased with my work. It was like I could actually achieve something in life. Anyway, I carried on for a year until I thought to myself, "I need to move out of this place, this town, this family, and away from all these people who are so fucking toxic. And if it wasn’t for them, I would be so happy and content with my life, I would be achieving so much more."

So, I did just that, I applied to university out of town, and even though my parents didn’t agree, I moved and started living the city life. Well barely. I went to study sciences and was so damn excited, until my parents started to make me feel like shit, as well as siblings. They just thought they knew better for me each time. So, after a year of studying sciences, and not achieving what I wanted, I isolated myself. There was so much more going on in my life and I just couldn’t deal with it. It was too much. As well as my parents downgrading me every time I couldn’t take it. I contemplated taking the "most precious thing" being my life too. I was going crazy.

After long thinking and contemplating of certain things, I thought to change course. And that maybe it was the wrong thing for me, which is why I wasn’t so keen on life. I thought to bring out my creative side, and started studying English literature. It was going well again, until family and life problems took a hold of me again. I broke down. Not just once, but on so many occasions I can’t even remember. I started blocking out everything. And most of all I started blocking out the goodness that could have been in my life, which I am so fucking pissed at. Like if I hadn’t been such a bitch, and just accepted help from certain people I maybe would have been fine today.

I start tearing up and crying at this point, because I just realise how much goodness I had until I let it go. I say to myself that it's life, but at times people put shit on you so bad that you don’t know how to deal with it anymore, that even the good things you start to question. And like I said at the beginning I did just that; I let go of blessings, because the pain and toxic shit got to me too much. And I hate that.