Half of me is You

Half of Me is You

Mom, I feel like every day I want to find the right words to tell you how you’ve impacted my whole life. In so many ways, I’m just like you and in all the rest I aspire to be. I hope that by now you know how much I love you. I hope that even though I tend to be a bit monotone that you have felt my support. Especially recently. March 29th was one of the scariest days that I can ever remember living through.

I knew something was not right. I heard you tell me over the phone that you had a brain tumor, and for just a moment I was proud for being strong. To hear you, calmly, to try to offer emotional support, to just be… rational as I supported you while you recovered. Though, the moment you said you would be O.K, that you weren’t ready to ‘go’ yet – my heart broke. I was not ready to wrap my head around the fact that things would be anything other than ok. The thought of losing you was too much. The thought that, you, my sweet mom were telling me everything would be okay when you’re the one that this is happening to. I could hardly bear it. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard. Except maybe once before. With Uncle Moe, when he apologized for missing my Art Exhibition… because he was hospitalized, and only a month later was gone. For a moment, your words brought me back there. It felt cold. It made me think that I feel so often God tries to take people from us that the world needs. That I need.

I felt so guilty, that I was a province away. My whole life was on pause until I heard the news after your surgery. I didn’t really… do anything. All I could think about was how hard it was to think about a life without you. It was hard especially, because in life… there are people who you meet and they’re either for a reason, a season, a lesson, or a blessing and when they’re gone, you just.. Keep going. It hurts for a while, or sometimes not at all, but their absence doesn’t lessen you. You don’t even necessarily lose them, a piece hangs around, in you, always. It stays with you in the way you approach new situations, and handle the same old tired conflicts. These people stay with you in unique ways that maybe you’re not even sure about. But see, you, mom... You’re all of the things for me. And unlike other people who have come and gone from my life, you’re the one who no matter how much of you, or how long I’ve had to spend with you, I’ll always need more. I would never – and yes, I know one day I will – be able to be me without you. You’re my creator, my confidant, my supporter, my biggest fan. You are always there to comfort me and to bring me back when life kicks me down. There is nothing that I could do that would make you stop loving me and that is sincerely the glue that holds me together even when everything else is upside down. I get to wake up every day and know there is at least one person who loves me better than I can love myself. So when I tell you, that the thought of losing you came into play, the glue was disintegrating, all my pieces were in pieces and just one call would have completely obliterated my existence. I originally thought only half of me is you, but now I know that it’s just not true – and I wonder if you knew that?