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GUILT

How marrying a narcissist ruined my family.

By Secunda BellPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
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He preyed on my empathy...until he got what he wanted...me depleted.

It's true. What you think you know at 18, changes as you age. Maybe your feeling change, perhaps you understand things differently because of experiences you have, but either way, who you are and what you think changes. Falling in love with a narcissist blurs those lines. In fact, falling in love with a narcissist obliterates the ability to distinguish growth, reality and complete perception of what is happening to you anymore. You wont recognize who you are anymore.

At 17, it was hard finding out I was pregnant. I was scared, and at that age...the clinic only knew how to comfort you with pamphlets on abortion or adoption. I was in love, so neither was a decision I had to make. I was starting a family with him, and the universe had given me a baby to show the world our love. Even though he began the abuse right then and there, I was in denial. He began doing things in the apartment that I shared with my mother that would get him confronted, like peeing all over the bathroom, and just making messes and expecting us to clean behind him...only to argue that we were being too uptight and just needed to take out our stress on him. He didn't want to stay, but didn't want to look like the bad guy for leaving either. He would rather push people to the point of breaking and be asked to leave if he couldn't respect anyone better. He wanted to be kicked out, so he did his best to be. Eventually, he was.

Fast forward 25 years. Yes, 25 years.

When you TRULY love someone as deeply as I did...you make excuses for their behavior. Or so what the narcissist guilts you on, because you are being rigid, bossy or unreasonable. I mean, any standards of drama free living is unheard of and your standards of happiness are too high and unattainable. The addictions, or the lying or the abandonment issues are all par for the course. He is only human, and you yourself are severely flawed. How dare you judge when you are not perfect yourself. Why would you question loyalty and love when his devotion is so clear? Why else would he show up at your jobs to spy on you? He just wanted to make sure you are OK, and why would he engage in parenting? That's woman work, so he trust you...only to question EVERY decision that you make, because you don't know what you are doing to begin with. Why would offer to take care of you and the kids if he didn't love you? Only a REAL man would be able to provide for his family, only to complain EVERYDAY that he does, and to remind you that it is INDEED his money, and you should be grateful for him...and when your not grateful to his standards, withdraw all the money away to make you feel powerless with out him. His kids suffering wasn't a concern, they were just a means for a Fathers day card filled with worship. They weren't people to him. They were a status symbol he could complain about having. Just like having an overbearing wife was.

So here I am today. Both of MY daughters are grown, and yes... I had another child with him. As the years of gaslighting, and deflection and projection and addiction went on, they couldn't wait to leave the nest. It hurt at first, but today, I'm glad they NEVER accepted that love like that was normal. I was beat down to believe that I should cherish the 'good' days, and that EVERY relationship was like this, who would love me more than he did. He actually laughed at the notion that I could believe any different. All the doctors help, the anti depressants that left me numb inside didn't help either. He enjoyed me blaming myself for the unhappiness and for the quality of my life, because that furthered his accusations of the problem being me all along. My 18 year old blames me for everything to this day, and I cant really blame her for doing so. As a mom, I was supposed to protect her. And I didn't. For now, the explanation of me not understanding what was happening to us and how I fought for so long to keep them in some sort of financial stability is falling on deaf ears. My mom likes to point fingers and ...well, she was in SEVERAL abusive relationship that lead me to being repeated molested as a child, I should have learned better a long time ago, because 'she told me so'.

And as for me....I'm just lucky to still be here. The final 'enough is enough' battle was all very recent. When you overcome the thoughts of suicide, and you begin to get the research clear in your mind about what is happening to you and accept the truth for what it is... I guess you begin to realize that... life is short, happiness comes from living your own truth, and the world is more beautiful than you've ever imagined, and hope leads to so much possibility, even if you are scared and alone. You see that love doesn't work like that, and that you do in fact deserve better, even if you cant see the road ahead so clearly.

No, we are not healed completely. I'm a mess and my daughters have a very jaded view of the world at such a young age. I devote my time to breaking these curses and healing and education on what we survived, but we have a long road ahead of us. And no, I do not know what I'm going to do next, and that uncertainty beats through my chest every moment of everyday. I give myself a bit of credit. It took 27 years to figure out what I wasn't going to do anymore. The tears haven't stopped flowing, and the dreams haven't gone away. But, I know this. I love hard, and the journey I'm on today is about giving that all consuming love I had for him, giving it now to myself.

divorced
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