Growing Up Without A Mom Pt. 3

The year I turned 16...

That is supposed to be the best year for a girl. You're finally old enough to drive, more responsibilities, you're just getting older, high school is almost over, and being adult is soon to follow. Everything you should be looking forward to as a young adult. However, my 16th year, was far from being the best year...

Up until this point in my life, I haven't seen my mom. 12 years have passed, I don't even remember what she looks like, smells like, feels like. In my time, there was no Instagram, there was no Facebook, there was no video calling. All we had was a regular phone, letters, cards, that was our way of communicating. However, the best gift I could have asked for, did happen the year I turned 16. I was finally going to see my mom. August of that year, I was finally able to travel and fly to see my mom for a week, during summer break, right before I had to go back to school. I was excited, yet nervous. I hadn't seen her for years. So many thoughts and emotions were running through me like a freight train. I also hadn't seen my sister or half brother as well, would they remember me?

As August approached, I got on a plane to Georgia. I remember sitting on the plane, just watching everyone around me, taking it all in, I was finally seeing my mom. I wasn't to nervous at this point, just excited. I've been waiting for this moment. When the plane landed, all the nervous feelings appeared. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what she would look like, given she has been fighting cancer all these years. As I walked to the baggage claim, all I could do was breathe and try and relax. Looking through the crowd, waiting for that first glimpse of her. However, the people there to welcome me, was not her, but my step father and brother. A flood of emotions came over me. Was she ok? Did something happen? Where is she? I received the biggest hug from my half brother, and a semi hug from my step father, we never really had a relationship. My brother tells me mom is in the car, she's to weak to come greet me. With a quiet sigh, I said ok. We waited for my bags and finally made our way to the car, where my mom was anxiously waiting. As soon as I walked out of the doors, there she was...my mom. All the memories I had came flooding back, her face, her hair, her smile. Yet, she wasn't the same as I remember. She was fragile, skinny, her skin was pale, her hair loosing color. Even with all these changes, she was still my mom. At the time, I didn't think much of it, later it will all make sense...

We drove about an hour outside Atlanta, to home. I remember being in the backseat with my brother, just talking and laughing. My mom gripping my hand with tears, I'm assuming it was tears of joy. We got home and settled in. I got introduced to their dog, don't remember his name, was shown around the house and then finally got ready for bed. My sister was nowhere to be seen, mom said she was out and about as always. The next couple of days, I spent out with my brother. My mom was big on bowling growing up, I remember spending time at the bowling alley when I was a child while she worked. My mom spent all the time at home, she wasn't well enough to go out, however I do remember she did leave a few times. Once to take pictures and once we went out to eat. Going out to eat, was definitely a shocker for me. As I grew up in a predominant Asian community, it was weird to see other races, and barely any Asians. The night we went out to eat, was a very interesting one. We ate at a restaurant that they ate frequently at. My mom knew the servers, sat at their usual table. At this point, I haven't seen my sister really, which was fine. I was just enjoying my time with my mom. I remember sitting down and feeling eyes staring at me, I guess it was unusual for an Asian to be here. The server comes up, my mom knows her. Mom happily orders some drinks, but before the server leaves, she asks my mom, did you adopt? Mom was super offended, at the time I didn't understand why. She snapped back and said,"No that's my daughter." The server apologized and walked away. I guess I should explain, my mom is the whitest person you will ever see, I am however, not. I am half Japanese and half White (hapa), but I definitely look more Japanese. This is why the server asked if I was adopted. I am assuming my sister never went with them to eat here. We finished eating, I honestly don't remember where we ate, and headed home...

Another few days pass, again spent most of it with my brother. My sister I saw for maybe 5 minutes before she went on her merry way. She didn't really want anything to do with me, which I was totally fine with. I didn't come to see her. The day before I was supposed to fly home, it was an unusual day. Something felt off. I remember waking up and just felt the need to see my mom. My step father left for work already, so my mom was just in bed. I softly got under the covers and just snuggled up to her. Taking her scent in and just feeling at ease. She rolled over, put her arms around me, we just laid there together. I put my head on her chest and just listened to her heartbeat and her breathing. If I could have froze any moment in time, this was definitely it. I just wanted time to stop, I just wanted to lay there, be there, laying with her just staring at the ceiling. We talked and just enjoyed each other. She told me she loved me and she always will, did the mommy talk, be good and listen to my aunts. This moment, is something that I will never forget.

The following day, I packed up and bags and headed to the airport. My mom, brother, sister, and I. As we waited at the airport, I remember messing around with my sister and brother, she was actually talking to me, even if it was only for now. We cracked jokes, chased each other around, my mom just sat there and watched. You could see in her face she was just enjoying and taking the moment in. She finally got to see her children together, even if it as for a short time. As my brother and I were messing around, the loud speaker comes on, it was my time to board. My brother and I stopped in our tracks and just looked at my mom. Her face dropped, her eyes filling with tears, she knew it was time. I slowly walked back to her, head down, trying not to make her cry any more than she already was. She was in a wheelchair because she was to weak to walk. I knelt down in front of her as we both started crying. I told her I didn't want to leave, she told me she didn't want me to either. The next thing she said still resonates with me to this day, as I wrapped my arms around her to give her one last hug, she whispers in my ear,"I'm never going to see you again." At the time, I didn't pay much attention, I mean who would really think anything else of that, especially a teenager. I cried and told her,"You'll see me again soon, I promise." She cried, grabbed me one last time and told me she loved me. As I walked to check-in, before I headed to the plane, I took one last look back. Seeing her sitting there, crying, I felt so helpless. I smiled and waved, blew her a kiss and disappeared behind the terminal. At that moment everything in me was fighting to stay. I wanted to turn around and run back to her and stay, but I knew where my life was and the people that were expecting me to come home. I would give anything to have that day back, I should have stayed, I shouldn't have left her, I should have been with my mom. Little did I know, that truly was the last time I would see her alive...