As an adult now, I feel lost and I feel like my life was built around lies. Those lies might have been to keep me safe so that I wouldn't get hurt, but did it really? If you read my previous story, you'll understand.
Now, to the actual story that happened...
As far as my parents getting divorced, that was true. As to the reasons they got divorced, that was not. I was told all my life, up until maybe 2-3 years ago, that was the reason my parents divorced. Only to find out, everything I was probably told growing up was not. As you can tell my childhood was not sunshine and butterflies, was I a happy child? Yes, for the most part. Did I get everything I wanted? Yes, for the most part. Was I raised in a good household? Yes, for the most part. However, how my life started and changed in a matter of years, is nowhere near happy and normal...
In the beginning years of my life, I spent time with my mother and my siblings. I stayed weekends with my mom, since she did not have custody of me. I remember those days vividly, a lot is a blurr. Honestly, I don't know what is truth and what is a dream/lie. I do know and remember that I was happy. I remember laughing with my mom and just enjoying being with her. Those are the memories, I hold on to and cherish because those are one of the last times I spent with my mom, physically. When she left and moved to the East coast, I did not understand, as a child how could anyone. I honestly thought that she didn't love me, for a long time. I took everyday as it came, going to school, being a normal kid, but what does normal even mean? I grew up with a family of relatives, not my parents. For most that is not normal and for me, that was my normal. I watched other kids with their parents, being happy, I was definitely envious. Can I say I had a loving household? Depends on what you consider loving I guess. My family's way of showing love was buying gifts and giving me everything I wanted. There was no I love you's, there was no hugs, they did not show affection. Their ways of affection were monetary. As I got older, that did affect me a lot, but I'll get into that later.
Lets fast forward, when I was maybe 11-12, I found out that my mom was dying. She had lung cancer. There was no cure, there was nothing she could do, yes she was a smoker. I was devastated at the news, even though I barely knew this person. How could I be devastated for someone I didn't know? For someone I barely remember? Looking back, I honestly don't know. I do know that I felt even more empty, I knew I would loose her sooner than later and it left a bigger hole than the one that was already there. The years went by, every month I got a phone call from her. Every birthday, every Christmas, every major holiday (that a gift was given), she sent me one. She was still trying to be there to best of her ability. Every year that past I could hear her getting worse, her breathing, her voice, everything was changing. I tried to stay strong and didn't talk much to people. I did have a therapist, but that only lasted so long. I got tired of talking, tired of dealing. I just wanted to be left alone. I dealt with things on my own, I was a homebody anyway and didn't socialize much. I stayed home, played video games, just lived in my own little bubble. As far as my family was concerned, I was a normal hormonal teenager and left me be for the most part. They didn't ask questions, they didn't ask if I was ok, they were just...there.
The year I turned 16, my life would forever be changed...
About the Creator
Krista Nakano
Mother of 3
Car Enthusiast
CrossFitter
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Growing Up Without A Mom
What does it mean to grow up without a Mom? Let me share my story with you... When I was still in my mother's womb, my parents were in the process of getting divorced. My father was a...lets just say someone who loved to blow money that he didn't have OR at least that's what I was told as I got older. My father was not there when I was born and was only there once in awhile, we will get into that later. After I was born, my parents went to court for custody, initially my mother lost custody of myself and my two siblings. My father told the court that my mother was unfit and my father was awarded full custody of myself and my siblings. This intern destroyed my mother and put her into severe depression and anxiety over loosing her children. Down the line my mother got out of her depression and went back to court. She was awarded custody of my sister, since she was suffering from seizures. My father still had custody of myself and my brother. As I got older, my father reached out to his sisters, telling them he couldn't take care of me. At that point in time, my aunts (his sisters) became my guardians and raised me as their own. Once this had taken place, my mother remarried and moved to Georgia with my half brother and my sister, leaving me here with my relatives. I felt so lost and abandoned. I was surrounded by people who loved me and only wanted the best for me, but I always felt like a piece of me was missing. A part of me did blame myself, I always asked myself why, was I not good enough? was I a bad child? did she not love me? All the questions a young growing girl thinks about. As I got older, she was still a part of my life to the best of her ability. She called me once a month, sent me gifts on special holidays. She did try to be a part of my life, but that wasn't enough. I also had a little resentment towards her for leaving me. I also started building resentment towards my sister. Did she love her more? Was she more important? Did she have something that I didn't? I would have traded spaces with her in a heart beat. My sister and I were living two different lives, as her life wasn't always easy, mine was given to me on a silver platter. My family gave me everything I ever wanted (asian family), it was their way of showing love and only wanting me to have everything to make up for my mother not being around. Growing up I thought that was awesome, duh I was a child. I did have an easy life, I had everything given to me. I never had to work for anything. Down the line, my sister became jealous and resentful, I had everything she wanted, but the only thing I wanted was my mother, which she had. I would always tell her I would trade places with you in a heartbeat, just to have one day with my mother. In our early childhood years, it took it's toll and eventually, we stopped talking to each other...
By Krista Nakano4 years ago in Families
Vocal Bonus Leaderboard: 04/17/2024
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