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Growing Up Without A Mom Finale

Just Me

By Krista NakanoPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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After leaving my mom, everything was different. I felt a bigger void than the one that was already there. I missed her now more than ever. Since I left I felt like we talked every week, instead of every month. It was great to hear her voice, and just hear her say I love you. About a month later, my mom made arrangements with my aunts to have me travel to Vegas for Thanksgiving with her side of the family. Thankfully, my aunts agreed. The plan was to have me spend Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family and travel to Vegas the following day to spend the weekend with my moms side of the family. I was excited and beyond grateful, I was going to see her again, sooner than I thought... OR so I thought.

Due to my moms condition, which was deteriorating faster than she would tell me, she had to come a week earlier, to let her body rest and recover from being on a plane and traveling. Something she has not done in a very long time. She called me that Monday to tell me she was here and she couldn't wait to see me. However, she did ask if I was still coming, I told her of course mom, why wouldn't I. She laughingly said,"Just making sure." I told her of course I wouldn't miss it. Looking back, there was fear and sadness in her voice, that I didn't catch at the time. Probably because I was so excited to see her. We talked a little longer, she was telling me the plans, finally it was time to get off the phone. With so much love in her voice, she tells me," I love you baby girl." Little did I know, that would be the last words she would ever say to me...

Thanksgiving morning...

Being a teenager, sleeping in was a necessity OR at least that's what every teenager thinks. I shouldn't have that morning. I was woken up by my aunt who gently woke me up and sat next to me on my bed, with my cat (that is never a good sign). Rubbing my eyes from just being woken up, petting my cat, I asked my aunt what was wrong. I'll never forget her face, as she tried so gently to tell me. She said,"Your grandma called this morning... your mother passed away last night." Being half a sleep, I rubbed my eyes again and said,"what?." I couldn't believe it, I had just talked to her. I rolled over and slammed my face into my pillow. I started crying, but it didn't feel like real tears, I guess because I was still in shock, so the tears didn't feel real. I spent the morning in my room, just trying to come back to reality. It still hadn't set in. Later, my family asked if I wanted to cancel Thanksgiving, I told them No, I need my family right now. Back in my previous stories, I stated my father only came around once in awhile, he only came around holidays, which Thanksgiving was one of them. When he arrived he didn't know about my mom, nor did he really care. I spent the rest of the day in my room, I just wanted to be alone. My heart was emptier then it had ever been.

The next day, I flew out to Vegas with a heavy heart. It was not the trip I had planned. Once we landed, I saw a little girl with her Mom, tears started to form. How I would have given anything to be that little girl in that moment. The little girl, was anxiously tugging on her moms pants as she was getting her bags. As any child, the mother was getting frustrated. I bent down to the little girl and whispered in her ear, got up and started heading to the front of the plane to exit. I looked back to see the little girl hug her mother and told her she loved her. The mom then looked at me and I just nodded as I exited. The precious moments we forget. The little moments we forget. We take those for granted, when in that instant they are the most important.

My aunt and uncle picked me up from the airport and we headed home. As I arrived, I was greeted with such a heavy heart. My brother gave me the biggest hug as I pressed my face into his shoulder and started crying. As I made my rounds, I finished with my grandma. I ran over and just dropped to my knees crying. She hugged me with the most loving embrace and told me that my mom fought hard to stay, she wanted to see me out of everyone, but her body wouldn't let her. My body felt numb, my mind racing miles a minute. I wondered how much pain she was in, I wondered what would have happened if I had come earlier, I wondered what was she thinking as she took her last breathe, I wondered did the plane ride kill her. In that very moment, I realized what she meant the last time I saw her. She knew she would never see me again. As a child, I paid no mind or enough attention and I thought she was just saying that. In that moment, I dropped to my knees and just cried. I had lost the person who meant more to me than anything, I lost the person who brought me into this world. I lost my best friend...

A lot of people have asked, how can you miss someone who was never there for you? Who didn't raise you? Who abandoned you? My response is this...

Regardless of what choices my mom made, she was still my mother. She gave me up, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. I recently discovered that my brother had been molesting me as a child. That is the reason my mother could not keep me. My siblings and I could not live in the same household per the judges order. Therefore, my sister went with my mom due to her seizures, my brother stayed with my dad, and I was given to my aunts because my mom wanted a better life for me. She was still a part of my life, no it was not a physical part, but she tried to be there for me the best she could, even when she was slowly dying. A mother's bond is not something that just disappears. No matter what anyone says, we are always looking for that connection, we are always looking for that bond. No matter her faults, no matter her reasons, she was still my mother. I yearned for her love, her attention, wanting to always know that she loved me. That is something a child, no matter how old they get will look for. You can find it in the people around you, the people that raised you, but it will never be the same. It's an unbreakable bond, no matter the time, the distance, the loss...

grief
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About the Creator

Krista Nakano

Mother of 3

Car Enthusiast

CrossFitter

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