Grief

Yellow. Yellow eyes, yellow face and yellow body. The first time I had seen my father in over 4 years is forever ingrained in my mind. I had received a frantic phone call from my Uncle with the news of my father's inevitable passing. A week after I had rushed to my father, he passed away at home under hospice care.

I have always known my father as an alcoholic. From an early age, my father worked his days away and drank his nights away with whiskey, the Beatles and his fists. Some days I got the strong, lovable bear of a man I called Dad and others were of a demon. This back and forth led to a lot of mixed emotions. I loved him so fiercely at times and hated him at others. Why couldn't he just stop drinking? Why couldn't he pick his children over liquor? Why was he hurting those he said he loved? Some days I wished someone would swoop in and take me away. That thought led to a sickening feeling of guilt that made try to deny it.

Dad's death catapulted me into a storm of emotions that I tried to resist. I worked 2 jobs and went to school to serve as a distraction. I went out with anyone and everyone that extended an invitation to avoid sitting alone with my thoughts. I slept my off days away in hopes that the loneliness and anger that I felt would go away. I was determined to avoid feeling any grief for a man that had me feel so angry for all of my life. This worked for a few months until my resistance led to a massive breakdown that ended up in a hospitalization to a psychiatric hospital.

This hospitalization made me feel like a failure. Why couldn't I just get over his death? Why did I miss the man that abused me? Why was I grieving his death so much? During my time in the hospital and afterwards, his death has taught me more about myself, my mental illnesses and my emotions than ever before.

Grief is an emotion that has no pattern to it. Grief doesn't discriminate. Grief doesn't care about your relationships. Grief doesn't care that you don't have time for it. Grief doesn't care. Grief will become your friend if you let it. Dad's death forced me to look at who I am as a person, the things I value and our relationship. By finally acknowledging my grief and all the feelings that come along with it, I was able to start the healing process. My grief allowed me to acknowledge that all of the hurt and anger and back and forth I felt for Dad was normal and okay. It also allowed me to realize that loving my father was okay, that it was okay that I just loved parts of him.

Death and grief is something that will touch all of us at some point in our lives. Maybe it will be a parent or a child or even a best friend. Maybe it will be someone that has been in your life for 20 years or someone that only touched your life for a couple of years. The point is grief and all of it's stages is an integral process that we have to let ourselves feel.

My journey with grief is a process only 4 months old. Some days I feel okay, like I'm on the path to acceptance. Other days it feels like I'm drowning, like I'll never be able to live again. I've learned to remember that grief has no time limit to it or no distinct patterns. My grief is just that, MY grief.