A dreary Sunday approached quickly and I was not prepared how I would feel about missing my Dad especially during the holidays. I remembered I have not been following the calendar like I used to, so I was not aware of how many days were left in the month of December. Then, oddly enough, I had a feeling about needing a nap, in which I gave into. And, I am glad I did because I woke up feeling rested. After some much-needed relaxation, something refreshed my memory about the tough days that may follow.
In a couple days, it would be December thirty-first, the day my Dad passed away which now marks four years. It seemed as if it was just yesterday. The thought of him sends tears into my tear ducts so fast as if a telegram being transported on a rush basis. Because of that very reason, I search for him through strangers’ faces hoping to find one who resembles him. It is common to long for a loved one because we miss them and wish we could tell them things we did not have the chance to. I must admit there are times when I would feel sad and cry until I could not anymore. It feels like that of a magnet nestling in your heart and only a hug could nurture this deep heartache.
That evening, I watched YouTube of heartfelt videos and every so often, it would tug at my heartstrings. I would listen to all the comfort songs I could, but tears would still well up in my eyes. I imagined myself as a young child sitting in the corner grieving for her Dad even though I was already an adult when I learned of his passing. I remember being shocked and not quite understanding what had happened. Many questions went through my mind: was this real, how can this be and what exactly happened and how? It is so difficult when we are not nearby when things occur to our families and we cannot help but feel helpless and sometimes, orphaned. At times, it may also result in tug-of-war games of unanswered questions and that is not winning.
In the days that followed, I cried immensely as if a small brook had broken free from its path. I miss my Dad so very much. I am afraid that I will have to say goodbye again and that pains me but that is just me thinking too much. It does not actually happen, having to say goodbye again. I learned now that it is a way of celebrating their life. Every day throughout the year, I am reminded that he would want me to have good days. Still to this day I would pray that December would not come, but each time, I am defeated.
The love of a parent is so priceless and very much treasured that we do not realize it until we are adults and how much time flies. I look back from the time when my Dad carried and held me in his arms protecting me from a large dog barking behind a gate. I recall being so terrified that even before I reacted, his father instinct kicked in and immediately scooped me up. I also remember when we sat on the grass and watched the day slowly dissipate as we excitedly waited for the stars to appear. But, my most favorite memory of all was when he took me to a drive-through every morning before school to pick up steamed buns for my lunch during kindergarten. And, until this day, I can still smell the aroma of them as we drove away imprinting my nose and most likely his. I remember speaking to him on the phone when I moved out of my mom’s house at nineteen and him being opposed to my decision, but I ignored his advice and followed through with what little plan I had. In the end, I learned that I, too, am capable of living on my own and surviving, regardless of my age. I have no regrets and it made me a stronger person even though I still sleep with the light on.
The bond we form with our families is ever so priceless. It is stored in our memory pockets. But, time and time again, we find our way back to help heal our hurts looking back at memories to comfort us, in a swaddling kind of way. I tell myself to find the voice and the strength to continue through challenging days even if all I can do is smile.
If I could talk with him, I would first say sorry for being the stubborn kid I was and still is to this day. Though I had to learn things the hard way, I am grateful for my perseverance. And, that I will always be Daddy’s girl forever and always. I love and miss you every day as much as the trees have lost their many leaves along the way.