Grandparents and Grandchildren Conspire

I am still investigating this story. Who is uprooting the authority of the parents in their own household? Who would be so brazen and bold to uproot the natural order of the parental units? Many mothers and fathers have sought asylums in neighboring countries like Mexico and France. Under the pretense of second honeymoons and anniversaries, parents have tried to escape to all-inclusive resorts. Without children without grandparents. Parents seem eager to get away and leave everything. After one week, the parents' request for parental asylum was rejected by the host nation and begrudgingly parents returned to their native country with long faces and regrets. Details are incomplete. My sources have become tight-lip and have recanted their statements. I am still trying to figure out who is the mastermind behind the coup to unseat the parents.

My initial assumption was that the grandparents were the masterminds behind the plots to upend the natural order within the parental household. The replies seem, scripted and never vary from the many grandparents interviewed.

“I didn't realize that they hadn’t had their dinner,” was the reply after feeding the grandchildren dessert and junk food. “What harm can a little piece of chocolate, candy, cake, ice cream, soda pop, licorice, cookies, etc…. can do?” My gosh, the list can go on and on. The answer is a lot. The end result is children bouncing off the wall at 3 am and parents trying to get some sleep. Meanwhile, grandma and grandpa are asleep in their own homes, far from the rioting and demonstrations. My own parents have incited my children to revolt against me. I need to grab a water cannon to keep my children at bay. I need my sleep. “It was just this one time. It will never happen again”… but it does happen and quite frequently. The grandparents’ reply is always, “Why me? I would never spoil my grandchildren”. It is interesting that grandparents will always emphasize that the children are “their grandchildren” and not their parents’ children i.e. children’s children. This may be a debate of semantics but a debate worthy of a Supreme Court decision. No wait, are any of the Justices grandparents?

At first, it seemed that the firstborn was the leader. New evidence has now emerged that indicates that the mastermind may be the most unlikely source. The first to be born becomes the likely leader because there is no one that dares to compete against, and also there are no viable candidates to run against him or her. The lonely grandchild is unchallenged. Skilled in their ability in extortion, the grandchild has managed to demand kickbacks in exchange for burping or diaper changing. Some have finessed their extortion capabilities by contouring their facial features to the extremes of the spectrum, from joyful glee to poutful sadness. The kickbacks start small in the form of Gerber strawberry banana baby food but with time become more expensive and frequent. It almost becomes a ritual of daily rewards in the form of candy and treats. There are reports that the bribes have escalated in the form of exotic trips to petting zoos and aquariums.

Other evidence points to the conniving grandmother with her sweet smile and her liberal use of bribery. She will resort to baking cookies and pies in return for political favors from all parties. Known to be asked for favorite meals by her grandchildren, Grandma will bribe their hearts in exchange for hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. If caught and threatened with retribution by the parents, Grandma will bake a cake to avoid prosecution and jail time.

A few have pointed out the grandfather as the ring leader. Trained as a getaway driver, he is solicited to drive the children to school. But the drive back home begins to take longer and longer. The grandfather would hijack the children and take them to shady establishments like parks and playgrounds. A few times, he would drive them around a building for a heist or two of “Happy meals” and “Ice Cream treats”. When the parties are pressed to confess their whereabouts, everyone develops Alzheimer's, and the details become vague or forgotten as if the grandfather was pleading for the Fifth Amendment.

It now appears that these leads were purposely put out there to lead us on a wild goose chase. The false leads were deliberate to put the blame on the grandmother or the oldest child. But new evidence is emerging and the body of evidence is pointing to the youngest child. Imagine, the once teething, diaper-laden bow-legged child who sports onesies year-round is the ruthless and cunning mastermind behind the plot. Speaking deliberately in some type of gibberish code, few have been able to crack it. Many attempts to record and decipher their statements have baffled many supercomputers, including Alexa. The syndicate seems invincible. May heaven help us.