Grandmas Disappearance and Subtle Reappearance

Life is unexpected. You never know when you are in a dream or facing the defeat of reality. My name is Jade. I'm 18 now. When I was in the depths of being a 16 year old, I had a grandma. A grandma that baked cookies, a grandma that spoiled you half to death whenever you stayed over. I had a grandma that stood by my side through the worst. I was very close to my grandma.

One morning, foggy.. cold, I decided to wake up and go to the grandmas. We went to her favorite grocery store. Picked out all the fruits and vegetables. My grandma loved getting fresh vegetables and fruits, and I adored sharing with her. But let's face it, it wasn't the kind of "Eat your vegetables and you'll grow big and strong". No, it was, " I love these certain veggies and fruits, let's get them and eat them with a little bit of ranch on the side". Later that evening, we'd go to Goodwill and search through all the clothes.. all the shoes.. all the "thrift store" items they had stocked on the shelf only to bring home a bag full of items to craft with.

Later on in that time of age, things started to change. My grandma got sick. I hadn't been to visit her. The hospital wouldn't let me see her.. she was never home. And my mom of course, isolated me from having to see her in that way. One time, I did get to see her. It was in the early days of her in the hospital. But she wasn't my grandma. She yelled at me to get out of the room.. and to never come back because she never wanted to see me again. I knew from there that things were going to change. Later on in that part of time, she became sicker and sicker. She was barely home. Maybe 1% out of the many. And when she did come home, she went back in the hospital the next day. She couldn't live with all the pain and she couldn't live without the help that I couldn't provide. I was there. Through everything. To clean up the messes that were made. To get the things she needed. To bond when she was home.

A couple months after that period of time. A choice was made. She was hooked up to machines and these machines were keeping her alive than she could on her own. A choice was made to turn them off and let her go in peace with the surroundings of her own family.. in which I was isolated from that too, so I never got to say goodbye to her.

However... Do you want to know the last memory of her?

I was leaving one day from the day she was home. I helped with household chores. I stayed and bonded with her while she was still there. And before I left, I went down that long, dark hallway to her bedroom.. and I walked over and gave her a hug. She hugged me so tight. She told me that she was proud of who I became. The last words that were said back and forth before I walked out that very door that night was, " I love you". Now to this day, I will never forget those last words. But I will also never forget that night before she passed away that very next day and somehow made me feel so hopeless. I felt for the longest time that it was my fault. Because she was happy and voluble one day and gone the next. I will never forget that I felt so lost. And when I got the phone call from my mom saying that my grandma was gone.. I sucked in the pain and the tears. I held it together for the sake of my family. To show I was strong to go through this kind of pain. But what no one knew is that when I was alone, I cried and I cried until I felt a blistering pain in my chest that made me forget about it for a brief moment. Her disappearance made me feel.. blank.

Now to this day, I feel her. I feel her presence. I feel her watching me. She turns on the faucet every once in awhile.. but aside from that trickery, I know she's with me, without being physically with me. And that feeling.. makes me feel a thousand times better than I did before.. because I know I didn't lose everything forever. Her reappearance made and makes me feel whole.. because knowing she's here in a form of something.. is rather than nothing.

This is my second loss.. but my biggest. And I will always have those memories and never forget.