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Fucked up

by Hidden secrets 10 months ago in children
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Part 2

Fucked up
Photo by Konstantinos Papadopoulos on Unsplash

Sometimes life is just a little more fucked up than we planned or wanted it to be. We often plan our lives out when we are kids. We know what we want to be, and we know what we want to do; we always believe that it will happen just as we planned for it to, but what we don’t know is that it rarely ever goes as we planned.

We are always asked as we get older “what do you want to be or do when you get older?” We are always asked but they always forget to tell you that things in your life can fuck that up and it may not go like that. So, why do adults ask when they know that we will rarely ever grow up to be our dream job, because something along the way goes wrong, your life gets turned upside down and things change; but we are still asked “what do you want to be when you get older?” or “what are you going to do when you graduate high school?”

Well, when I was little, I wanted to be like my dad and ride horses for a living and live the best life; but once my family got into the car accident when I was 11 my life plans were soon going to change and I didn’t know it, I believed I was going to be a jockey until I was about 14 or 15. I didn’t know my life was going to change again, and I wouldn’t want to be a jockey because life had much bigger and better plans for me.

I got pregnant at 15 and then I didn’t know what I wanted to do because I knew that I needed to be the best mom for my son. I knew that I would do everything in my power to make his life the best at least ten times better than my life.

I didn’t realize that I had a better life than what most people told me, so I didn’t really realize how hard it would be to make his life so much better; but I knew how I needed to make his life better, and what not to do that my parents did.

I now know that it wasn’t going to be easy, I knew that being a teen mom was going to be hard. I knew that the judgement I was going to get was going to make it so much harder. I knew that my family wasn’t going to be easy.

I knew that just because of the judgement that I wanted to be better than what anyone told me, I would work hard to finish and graduate high school, I would raise my kid in a two-parent household, and he would see that his parents loved each other; but that isn’t how it went, not even the slightest.

My son is loved very much by both of his parents, but his parents couldn’t love each other enough to stay together and work things out. He never got the chance to see his parents truly happy together, and want to be together, he only saw them hate each other and fight all the time. Some relationships work out when they have a kid, and some just don’t. What normally ruins a relationship between the two when they have a kid together is that one is ready to grow up and one doesn’t; or one wants something that the other doesn’t anymore. Relationships are hard, and sometimes a kid will bring you closer together, and sometimes it will tear you apart.

Sometimes you need to put your feelings aside and do what’s best for your kid, whether that’s two homes, or one. In my sons’ case two homes are better than one. My son’s dad and I will never truly get along, and that’s okay but we should show our son that is okay to move on and be able to still co-parent just as we did before, but we can’t because one of us moved on and the other is still stuck.

Do I wish my son didn’t have to go through what he’s going through now and he’s only two and half? Yes, I wish I could change how his life has been, and it really sucks that I can’t make it better. I will continue to do what is right for my son, and love him unconditionally no matter what happens, and no matter how much it sucks.


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