From Maggie

Mum?

Mama...

Mummy.

There is something important that I need you to know...

It all began with The Fellowship of the Ring. While you watched the Hobbits start out on their journey, so too did we. Fitting enough, for you went through quite a journey after that. One that left you a changed woman.

You had been sensing it for days, but it wasn’t until that pleasant Thursday afternoon that you finally decided to confirm it. The anxiety filled you up to the brim as you waited for the test to give you an answer, every feeling you thought you could feel all tied together in the pit of your stomach. Taking that step forward into Motherhood had you frozen like a deer in headlights. You told yourself you weren’t ready.

But you were; otherwise, we wouldn’t have found each other. But even with your fear and worry, you could already imagine the future so clearly. Before long, you replaced the bats within your stomach with the butterflies of excitement. I remember it so clearly, I got so excited in response that you couldn’t keep your lunch down. Sorry about that Mum, it was indeed a very delicious meal.

It was the laughter that I could feel, you chuckled so much at the ultrasound appointment. When you found out I was your daughter you were so surprised.

My nickname evolved from Gollum to Xeno at some point, for when I stretched, I reminded you of the baby Xenomorph from the movies. I'm not sure how to take that really, but thanks Mum. You big nerd.

We arranged to meet on the 5th of November, and in the weeks leading up to our meeting you were like any other. Waddling about the house preparing and reorganising, the nerves creeping up behind you again, stalking you like a cat. I couldn't tell how many times you repacked the hospital bag. I promise that you are everything that I need.

Then…

A little more than two weeks prior, on the 18th of October, the day came... and it crash landed into you. From the moment your eyes opened, you knew something was wrong. Time crawled by as you rushed to the hospital and waited, it was endless and yet when they broke the news to you, it came as quickly as a punch to the face.

I was gone.

In the seconds that followed the world completely fell away, and you were left floating over an endless pit of nothing. I could see your mind, as still as an ocean, right before the storm. Then the pain distorted your beautiful face, and your wails echoed in the abyss creating ripples in your fallen tears, swallowing you whole. I felt every second of pain, every moment that you gripped at your chest trying to reach your broken heart. I could feel you cradle me when your knees gave out. How I wished I could reach you too and tell you it would be okay. That it wasn't your fault.

We were just unlucky.

You gave birth to me on Thursday the 21st of October. Your body fought so hard for you, as though sensing the downpour in your mind and the pain in your heart, it made labour as easy as it possibly could. I know it was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, and you did so well.

And now, with you finally holding me in your arms, admiring the daughter you'll never see fully grown, I remember what it was that I needed to tell you... That something so very important that I will never get to speak aloud...

There was nothing that you could have done, and I didn't want to leave you. I've watched you every day since. Every morning that you've fought to get out of bed, whether you've managed to or not. Your first day back at work fraught with anxiety, to the day I would've been six months old, when you felt depression sink its ugly teeth into your heart. Every moment you force a smile I've seen it all, and I know how you've struggled, so I need to remind you...

You are my Mother and I am so proud to be your daughter. You are so strong and brave... and our time together, although short, was irreplaceable.

Mother’s Day has now come and gone, it was your first, but it will not be the last. I know that it is hard, but I love you and what you've done for me.

And just know, that I will always be with you.

Forever watching over you,

Your little Magpie.