This is so new for me, you know I never thought I would find myself writing a blog for everyone to see, but here I am, ready to share all my life experiences, all my dreams, admirations, adventures and just basic tips and advice for people going through similar incidents I have encountered.
This blog for me is going to hopefully allow you to relate and gain a sense of assurance that even if you are going through a rough patch or through a moment where you are unsure of what it is you should be doing, that things can turn around, and will get better while at the same time allowing me to vent and get this stuff off my chest.
I am not going to beat around the bush on this one, I have gone through a lot of shit. From dealing with split families and foster homes, to moving around all the time, to having kids at a very young age, to running away, to dealing with a loved one who was a alcoholic, to then marrying that same man and supporting him through sobriety. to the chaos from my work to my personal life, friends and family, near and far, this is the story of me and my life.
It is hard to grow up in a Portuguese family. Don’t get me wrong I hard a really great life. But the day my parents got divorced was the hardest day I have ever gone through. I still remember the day my mom got the letter in the mail that my dad left for her. I asked her “…why are you crying?” and she told me that “…. it was nothing”. But I new it was something. Mom then told me that we where going on a trip and it was to go get dad, I was so happy because I missed him so much. Being only 6 years old, my mother packed a couple days clothes for us and we were off to New York where we met up with him and I got to see him. It was only a week I hadn’t seen him, although it felt like a year. You can believe how excited I was when after this visit to New York, my dad came back with us to Toronto. After that, the only thing I can remember is all the good times we shared.
At 10 years old was when they got divorced and I had to go live with my mom. That is when my life when down. We moved so much and I had to go to so many schools. I really wish that we would had a place that I was able to call home. Finally when I was 12 years old my mom met a great men. At the time I did not think he was, and to me that was the resentful aspect of a adolescence that was mad about her real parents not being together, and in doing so I made their life really hard.
That in itself is a whole other story, so stay tuned to find out why I am so fortunate my mother is loving me as much as she did back then, as I made so very regretful decisions.
.. okay, time to brace yourselves down for this one, cause this, is a hot topic.
You know when you are a teen, and you don’t get something that you want, and you are left feeling rebellious and resentful towards your parents? Well that is exactly what I was like when I met my step-dad.
He came into my life 2 years after I visited my dad in New York.
Once my step dad came into my life, I became this angry and aggressive teenager towards him and my mother constantly causing problems intentionally. I would run away at times, sometimes just for the night, sometimes months at a time, never keeping in contact and never coming back. There were times where I would come back and well, my mom would ask me where I was, concerned and worried for me, and I basically blocked her out.
This is where the dark side of my life came out where decisions were made that definitely did not benefit me in the long run. I am not going to get into details here but lets just say that I got involved with the wrong groups at the wrong time and paid the price of digging my hole to deep.
My mom was there for me and at the time I never gave her the time of day, or my step dad for that matter. Now I look back on my life and realize what a huge part of my life they played, and how, despite disagreements we have to this day, her and my stepdad were the closest to family I will ever have, and to me that is truly irreplaceable.
You know it is so hard for me right now too, as I have now lost both of my fathers, my stepdad being super recent. It has been such a hardship for me to take on, and such a heart shattering moment knowing that the closest thing to a father that I had, has passed away. You never really realize what you have until it is gone, and with him, I had at all, and there are so many things that I would do over.
If you are reading this, please know that I am forever grateful for what you did for my mother and I, and I know that I was not the nicest to you growing up, but you helped shape me and my family into the strong people we are today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being there for and never walking away. I love you so much, and will always have you on my mind.