Finding the Right Surrogacy Match: Amber and Emma’s Story

As Told by Amber and Emma, ConceiveAbilities Intended Mother and her Surrogate

One of the most important relationships in a surrogacy journey is the relationship between intended parents and their surrogate. For Amber and Emma, finding the right match became the foundation for a meaningful relationship that grew throughout pregnancy and continues to connect their families today.

Matched through ConceiveAbilities’ Matching Matters™ process, Amber and Emma found that building trust could turn a surrogacy match into something much more: family.

Amber and Emma later joined Nazca Fontes on the All Things Conceivable Surrogacy Podcast to share their surrogacy journey together nd why their relationship has continued beyond the birth of Cecilia.

Amber had three children from her first marriage when she remarried Dave. They knew they wanted a child together, but Amber had had three difficult pregnancies and was 38 so there were challenges. They found a doctor who helped them create embryos and told them with a lot of science and a little luck, they would grow their family through surrogacy.

After completing her family, Emma first thought of becoming a surrogate when a friend was struggling with infertility. Emma and her husband decided to pursue being a surrogate, because they knew she was healthy and had the opportunity to be generous with her health and bless another family with a child.

Surrogacy brought Amber and Emma and their families together. Their connection made them family.

NF: A lot of times folks have anxiety around finding the best partnership for them. Why is matching so important in a surrogacy journey?

Amber: My husband couldn’t wrap his head around trusting someone to carry our child. How do you emotionally get to that point? Our Match Manager heard us and she just simply said, “It’s all about the match and when you meet her, you will know.”

The match is where the magic happens. Emotionally you’re thinking about somebody else carrying your child. The worst case scenario for us, personally, would be it feels like a business agreement, which I couldn’t have fathomed.

NF: How did the matching process work?

Amber: ConceiveAbilities and their matching team was incredible. We filled out our parent survey, met with our coordinator and talked about what things we thought were important to us. When somebody who’s been through it and seen that lens of experience explains that some of your criteria aren’t actually that important and why, it’s eye opening.

Our priority at our ages, with seven failed IVF pro cycles, was how quickly we could get matched with a top quality surrogate candidate. Even though geography initially was a criteria, we decided it just wasn’t necessary with FaceTime and everything being remote.

Without ConceiveAbilities guiding us through that, we could have got hung up on some things that simply were not important. So we really defined what was really most important to us. And for us, it was our faith. And we wanted somebody that had that similar tie.

Emma: Faith was a big thing for us as well. I wanted somebody who believed that this is going to happen because of the doctors and because of science, but also because God is going to have a hand in this. When we met Amber and Dave, it just clicked and it just felt right.

NF: Tell us about the moment you matched
Emma: ConceiveAbilities was just phenomenal at their matching process. They were so intentional with every little detail that when we met, my husband and I looked at each other and we were just like, “That’s it.”

Amber: I get emotional thinking about that moment we got the match email. When there’s a negative trauma in your life, you remember what you were wearing. When there’s a miracle in your life, you also have the same feeling of that moment. I opened up the email from ConceiveAbilities and read the information and saw their pictures, and I already knew.

The second we were blessed with the match meeting, the partnership between the four of us, Dave and I as intended parents and Emma and her husband Ricky, was instant. I still have a hard time imagining not only not having our baby Cecilia in our family’s life, but also Ricky and Emma.

NF: Surrogacy is a partnership and the number one component in the matching is trust. You might have some hiccups, you might have some issues that both of you will need to come together to resolve. How did you communicate and work on your relationship within the surrogacy journey?

Emma: From very early on in our relationship we said we wanted to be open books and so we just kept that line of communication really open. We would text very often and we would FaceTime sometimes.

Emma: Towards the end of our journey, we did come to a little tiny bit of a hangup, but it was quickly resolved because of all of that equity that we had in our relationship prior to that event.

Basically we were having a doctor’s appointment for a normal checkup and there was a little bit of miscommunication with me going to see a high risk doctor that same day. And I remember telling Amber that I wasn’t planning on going to the high risk doctor because my OB GYN said we can do this specific test in her office. And Amber was like, actually, I really would like you to go to the high risk doctor and just explained why. And immediately I thought to myself, “You know what? You’re exactly right. This is your child. I want to make sure that you feel like you can trust me.”

I understood the trust and the need to be able to take care of your child in the best way possible. And so we quickly switched things around. Our fertility doctors were amazing and I was able to have that test done at the high risk doctor and that was that. So our communication was just really, really steady, solid. I don’t think anyone ever got offended about anything. I just really appreciated how Amber was never pressuring about anything and hopefully it was reciprocated with me that I was giving out enough information for her.

Amber: Our relationship naturally evolved. As an intended mother, I just tried to put myself in Emma’s shoes. She has three small children and she’s pregnant. That’s not a small feat. So, if four days went by and I didn’t hear anything, I would quickly think, well, there’s nothing to report, because I trusted her.

As appointments got busier, that communication just naturally built. And I agree with Emma’s example. From my perspective, Emma is at her doctor who she trusts very much and that doctor said they could save her time by doing the appointment there. In her shoes that made sense.

For us, it was important that she got that second opinion from a high risk doctor based on our journey. We just simply explained where we were coming from and the importance of that second opinion. And she was instantaneous about agreeing.

Communication is about sharing where you’re at, what you’re feeling, but also for any intended parents, just taking a moment to breathe. It is such a taxing, stressful situation on your side, but it’s also important at that moment to understand that another individual, who is giving so much, has got a lot going on too.

It naturally evolves with the right person, the right fit. If that trust isn’t there in that first interaction, it’s definitely worth a pause because it’s so important throughout the whole journey.

NF: How did you talk to your children about surrogacy?

Amber: Emma told me that she explained to her daughter that we all have gifts we can give others. Sometimes it’s financial, sometimes it’s volunteerism.

Emma told her daughter, “For Mommy, I love being pregnant and that’s one way I can give to others that can’t. I can use that gift I have to give to others a family, and you’ll find your own gift how to give to others.”

I thought that was so beautiful and such an incredible way to show the generosity of surrogacy.

NF: How did you create your birth plan together?

Amber: Creating our birth plan was a natural process. My husband and I were open to what they were open and comfortable with. Did we want to be there during labor? Absolutely. But what is Emma comfortable with? At the end of the day, it is our child, but it is Emma’s body. And so yes, we would love to be a part of that.

However, what are you comfortable with? What is your husband comfortable with? And so that was the evolution of that conversation. For us, yes, our priority would be to be in the room, but our main priority is what would make Emma most comfortable during this process. The least amount of stress on her is actually what benefits us the best.

Emma: I wanted to give them as much involvement as possible with Covid. We were a little bit unsure, but thankfully we were able to have both of them in the room. I did want a little bit of privacy with them being at the head of the bed when she was born.

Everything went really well and we were able to have that birth plan ready so quickly because it was a match made in heaven. It was exactly what we needed.