Finding courage & clarity through messes you can’t control

Taking control is the shortest path to a feeling of contentment and peace... until another human shows up.

This other human has their own will (shock, horror) that is different to yours (hooray), and they want to try it out in the garden of your life!

Don't get me wrong - I believe parenting is life's ultimate privilege and reward. But the reality is, us parents (especially us young, multiple-child-parents) get so caught up in the messy confusion of daily life, we need to be reminded what is happening all around us. Humans are learning. They are growing and practising all sorts of things... and we are their environment to do it.

Some parents may be able to relate to this more than others, but whatever your starting point, one day you'll need the gift of clarity and courage in your role. Your kids will test you and do things you hadn't planned for.

But don’t worry, you haven’t failed, and they aren’t ruined for ever!

First off, we must learn how to stay courageous and clear-headed in tricky scenarios. It might just be a moment - a few minutes or hours. Other times it will be a long-term struggle for all sorts of reasons. Either way, our minds tend to spin, furiously searching for some way to control the situation - to change that child.

I'm pretty sure when we do that, we are loosing. They are winning. Ha ha!

It may be that decisive action is needed: a conversation, a restriction, a consequence.

But first! Are we calm? Are we confident? We must be!

What we show our children is more important than our elaborate systems of control. We must find our place of courage as parents, and if the feeling of failure and desperation is creeping (or rushing) in, our focus has to return to self-control, not child control.

Here are six quick thoughts on how to stay clear-headed:

# KNOW WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT

Many of us don't think about this until we're in a crisis, but what would happen if we did?

What are you really about as a parent - above all else?

At the moment I'm pretty sure 'creating an atmosphere of love and peace' is my number 1 purpose as a father. And it's pretty hard. It requires me to be something. Consistently. It requires me to be well, and at peace myself.

There's so much else I'm good at that's a whole lot easier, but this is my number one priority as a parent.

What is yours?

# AIM AT INTERNAL ORDER

I love minimalism but I can't rely on that to feel secure.

I don't want to wish away these precious years desperate for my kids to leave home so I can finally tidy everything away.

I've not mastered it but I have made the decision to pursue internal order above physical order. That means I'll try and take care of my heart before I require everything around me to look fantastic. I've also found that children care far more about my mood than whether the room is tidy.

But if I do get the chance, I'll tidy it!

# YOU CAN’T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK

Social Media is the new school gate where parents mingle. Do you disagree?

It is where we compare without calling it comparison and start to shape our values about what it means to be a successful parent.

But a good parent can't afford to care what other's think. Only you are responsible for your kids as part of your unique life.

Do you believe you are uniquely equipped to raise your children?

# DOES GROWTH EVER LOOK NEAT AND ORDERED?

Someone said to me, "God never leaves things unfinished... He completes what He started!"

Hmm. Kinda true, kinda not.

If you mean He completes His work over a very long period of time in spite of all the crazy messes we make along the way (our whole life), then yes.

But if you look at all the places in creation where life is conceived, grows and then replicates would you say, "ah yes, nice and ordered"?

The point is not to make mess for the sake of it, but we must burn the golden calf of the appearance of order. The question always (and that really matters) is, "what is really going on?" Not, "what does it look like"?

# MESSES DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR SUCCESSES

If you managed to put your kids to bed peacefully and spent some quality time with them, that is success.

And the fact that you couldn't afford your dream holiday doesn't invalidate those moments, and neither should you change your focus.

We mustn't let pseudo shame keep us from pursuing the small but significant successes that are within reach now.

Can you encourage your child every day? Success.

Can you read to them? Tick.

Can you cheer them on? Yes.

Can you listen to their heartache and love them in return? Check.

# THE SECRET IS THE SECRET PLACE

For me, my source of inner strength and perspective is connecting to my Creator every day. It means time alone, in quiet, in secret.

There are other things like exercise, adventure, a great job, friends etc that contribute and are all important.

But the real secret is connection not to other humans or physical creation, but to the Author of it all.

Every day I sit and listen, ask questions and often cry. It's not complicated or religious, but it does take intention.

And if I've ever made a good decision, acted with courage or seen life with crystal clarity, it has always come from this place.

The secret place.

~

READ NEXT: "How a rap artist who died of Covid impacted my life"

READ MY BOOK: SOS Parenting