Feathers

Grandma,

I’d like to say I’m writing to you because we haven’t spoken in a while but that simply wouldn’t be true. I still talk to you every day. It’s been nearly 14 years since you left this earth but I still talk to you as though you can hear me. As if you can’t see all the amazing things I do, in your name. I still like the idea of being able to share my accomplishments with you, like I used to.

You are still such a big part of my life and it feels like only yesterday I had to say goodbye. But I know that you are here and have no problem showing me you are present. Even if I can’t see you. Every time without fail, in my moments of triumph and my moments of need, you let me know you are here for me.

My favourite way that you let me know everything will be okay is when a feather appears out of nowhere.

Completely out of context. Without a warning, these dainty little feathers will appear and I know that’s your way of saying “I’m here”.

To some, it may seem odd or random, but being that you used to call me Feather, it makes perfect sense to our family. Without fail, it will always bring tears to our eyes to see your little fluffy beckon there to guide us.

The most recent feathering in my life was just over a month ago when I was getting married.

I had planned to honour that day by wearing your favourite angel pin, on the chest of my wedding dress. My way of keeping you close to my heart and feeling like I was able to include you, somehow.

But you had other plans. While my mother and I were unzipping my dress from its bag, which had been tightly sealed for over 2 months. Sure enough, a handful of dime-sized pure white feathers gracefully tumbled out and floated to the floor. It made no sense how they could have gotten in there. Immediately my mom and I shared a knowing look as tears welled up in our eyes.

You weren’t on the guest list but you were on our minds and you showed us that we were still on your mind. My mother isn’t much of a hugger but in that moment, we held each other and cried. Feeling joy that you were there with us.

Thank you for being there, as you always have been.

You raised me as the maternal figure I wished my mother would have been. But she couldn’t be because she was still a child herself. Deep down you were also a mother to her, even though you were biologically my father’s mother. When she ran away from home, she would hide at your house, or if she ever needed anything she knew she could come to you.

Which is how I have always felt about you. You would always embrace us with open arms, be a listening ear, and a caring heart.

When I felt useless, unloved, and low. You knew how to pick me up and let me know that I was worthy, I matter and I am beautiful in my way. You never let me give up and always pushed me to be better than I ever thought I could be. You came to all my sporting events, recitals, and concerts. I always knew where I stood with you and that means everything to me. You were the light I needed in my dark place.

You were and always will remain my hero. Because even in death, you are still my biggest supporter and I can’t properly describe what that means to me. I love that I can forever look to the sky and know you are watching me grow into the woman I know you would be proud of. Even in your absence, you have pushed me to try new things that I never would have. Knowing you would be a proud part of the adventure, makes me somehow braver and stronger. Which is something I have never thought of myself.

All I can say is thank you for being there for me when you could and for still being here for me, beyond the known world. I still carry your name and the pride that I am your feather and always will be.

I love you and appreciate you more than words can truly express. Thank you for making me driven to be as amazing as you knew I could be.

With Endless Love and Admiration,

Your Feather