Fear Distorts Perception

"Our eyes are not just viewers; they are also projectors, always projecting a second tale over the image in front of us." That script is being written by fear. Fear will now play a role in your life. You get to choose the amount. You may spend your whole life envisioning ghosts and worrying about the route to the future, but all that will ever exist is what is occurring now and the choices we make in this moment that are based on love or fear."

- The Secret of Life, starring Jim Carrey*

It's up to us to decide how much we let fear control our lives. We are given the option to choose at all times. When we choose love, our hearts expand. Every time we choose fear, we retreat more behind the pain-barricaded heart. And if you choose fear, you will view the world through the eyes of dread. Existence will seem grim, and you will succumb to fear's soundtrack, the continuous commentary that has probably fueled far too much of your life. If you have relationship anxiety, this fear-based criticism will be transferred into your partner's movie screen. If you don't understand how projection works, you'll quickly assume that something is wrong, since how can you look at the person who loves you the most in the world and feel nothing or want to flee?

What few people realize is that fear alters perception. Fear is the projector that attempts to persuade you to flee because you don't feel enough love or desire, because you're annoyed, and a part of you wants to reject your spouse. Fear wants to reject you. It is fear that prevents you from taking the chance. Fear serves as both a projector and a defender. Fear fortifies your heart, preventing it from being injured again.

If you don't grasp this, you'll flee at the first hint of fear, even if it means withdrawing or shutting down. We have no roadmaps to handle the natural problems of true love since our society does not educate us about real love and even less about being locked in a projection. We don't realize that true love, love that penetrates deep into your heart, creates dust storms of dread. Why? Since we all carry love scripts that associate love with fear – fear of being wounded, fear of being known, fear of rejection, fear of invasion – and because fighting fear is just part of the human experience. We evolve by confronting our fears. We seem to comprehend this in many aspects of our lives, but when it comes to personal relationships, we don't dare to breathe love and fear in the same breath for fear of hearing, "Doubt means don't."

Doubt does not imply inaction. Doubt is another word for dread, and it's the default phrase for explaining what occurs when you get too close to someone. Fear is authoring that screenplay, says Jim Carrey, referring to the second tale that is layered on top of the first. He's referring to projection, a strong psychological phenomenon in which our anxiety is displayed like a movie onto the screen of our companion. His or her face, which appeared wonderful a moment or a month ago, now seems deformed. How is it possible? Fear skews perspective. It physically changes our perceptions of our relationships, ourselves, and the world.

When a relationship becomes stable – when you know your partner isn't going away – the dread of being rejected transforms into the fear of rejection. Oh, you're not going to turn me down? Then I'll have to reject you first. This entire love thing is just too dangerous. I've been injured too many times and will not be hurt again. Except it doesn't seem to be taken literally. Instead, you ask yourself, "Do I love her enough?" or "Why isn't he more social?" "Can I really love someone who isn't as outgoing as I am?" You pick at your spouse because you are afraid of the vulnerability that comes with love, and picking at someone keeps you apart and protected.

But you already know the truth. You see the lovely essence of this guy or woman who stands before you, hand extended, ready for you to grasp it in times of clarity. When the overlay of the second tale — the one written by fear – is removed, truth and beauty are revealed. You notice the beauty that glows through your partner's eyes. You put an end to the battling and relax into the rhythms of home and stability. You relax, knowing that everything you've ever desired is there in front of you.

This can only happen if you take off your fear-colored glasses. Are you willing to take the risk? There are Love Laws and Loving Actions that will teach you how if you practice them. There is a road plan for establishing and maintaining genuine love, and when you follow it by learning and doing loving behaviors, the love grows and the fear shrinks. Because there is one guaranteed antidote to fear's persuasive tactics: love. Love is more powerful than fear. Gratitude is more powerful than fear. Setting the intention to learn and develop is more powerful than fear. It takes bravery to advance toward the one you love despite the voices telling you to flee. Are you prepared?

If you want to experience more love and attraction for your spouse, consider attending my next round of Open Your Heart: A 30-Day Program to Feel More Love and Attraction.