Fathers

Fathers always leave their mark on their children. A father may easily underestimate their importance in the lives of their children, especially during the first few years of their lives, when the child is naturally more drawn to the mother for food and comfort.

Given that it was Father's Day this weekend, I thought I would share a few points on the importance of the father in the parent-child relationship.

Fathers project their ideals, love, power, respect, discipline, responsibility and masculinity onto their children. Fathers bring fun to the parent-child relationship. Although they have a less gentle approach to mums when it comes to play, they too should be gentle and kind, approachable, accepting of their children, forgiving and safe to turn to without casting harsh judgement or punishment.

Fathers who are safe, are actively involved in their children's lives. Safe fathers are present in their children's lives, active in making family decisions, and have good boundaries within the relationship with the child's mother. Safe fathers model behaviour to their children of how to make good decisions, and protect their children from danger.

When fathers are too aggressive, the child is fearful of approaching him and has no option but to turn to the mother for safety. Since the child may become preoccupied with trying to comfort the mother from the aggressive father, the child has no chance to experience their own feelings, and can shut down by becoming withdrawn or defensive, or cover up their feelings by telling lies or developing a false persona. They may also struggle with passive aggressive behaviour. The children of aggressive fathers will also experience anger towards the mother for not being able to protect them from the father, and therefore the whole parent-child relationship is often compromised and the child grows up without real sense of emotional safety.

Some fathers are passive by being unavailable to their children. These fathers are not active in the family's decision making process and leave all the decisions up to his partners, therefore placing their partners in the role of the mother. These men model the behaviour of fearful yet controlling men. The children often grow up feeling sorry for their father, without understanding that the father chose his own behaviour and wasn't a victim in the relationship.

Fathers of daughters have the responsibility of teaching their daughters validation, commitment, how to communicate with men, how to resolve conflict with men, how to develop ambition and professionalism and teach them the value of their individuality and self-esteem. Fathers teach their daughters the balance of how to relate to others.

Weak fathers may struggle with addiction, infidelity, and lack the ability to communicate with their families. They are often unsuccessful, and struggle to hold steady employment (although not all men who struggle with holding steady employment are weak fathers).

Absent fathers are emotionally and/or physically absent by choice. They might abandon the family or they might be part of the family, but choose not to be available to the family by not communicating with them. They are often workaholics (again, not all workaholics are weak fathers).

Children with absent fathers grow up feeling unfulfilled. They might themselves become addicts or workaholics to cover up the emptiness they feel. They often feel depressed as a result, and struggle to understand why since they will see a father who worked hard to provide for the family as they deny their own feelings of rejection or abandonment. Daughters of these fathers often struggle committing in relationships and leave before they can be rejected.

Children of fathers who died when the children were young, can also experience feelings of abandonment or rejection. They might be too young to understand that the parent had no choice in the matter and they might have unexpressed anger towards the father for leaving them behind. It would be useful for mothers to step in and allow the child to express any feelings relating to the death of the father, even if it is anger. The mother cannot replace the role of the father.

Fathers have the power to help build a child into a strong adult. If you had a bad relationship with your father, or lost a father due to parents getting divorced or the father dying or becoming really ill, it might be worth exploring ways of healing from that relationship through therapy.