Eye Sea Past The Bottle Now.

When my daughter was six and my son was four, I divorced their father and took them away. Unfortunately, I was not too bright back then because I made a terrible decision to remarry too soon. Seven days after the divorce was final, I found myself married to a narcissistic man. Being married to such a man was like traveling in a ship through stormy waters close to the Bermuda Triangle. Giving birth to our five sons only added to the tides.

I tried my very best to raise my six sons and only daughter with morals and values. My husband agreed to work outside the home, as a plumber, electrician, and air-conditioner repairman depending on the season and the client. While I took care of the cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, bringing children to school, picking them up from school, taking them to doctors appointments, assisting with homework, keeping the pantry, refrigerator, and freezer stocked with supplies, making sure all the children took baths, brushed their teeth, got plenty of rest, and did not hurt one another. On the weekends I kept them entertained by going to the park, attending lego events at Toys-R-Us, building events at Home Depot and Lowes, if we were not riding bikes, roller skating, or going to see a movie, we were driving for hours to see relatives.

As the children grew up I found myself caught in the Bermuda Triangle. Every time they had to be disciplined my husband would go too far and put me in an awkward position. He honestly believed that instilling fear in them was the best tactic. It caused me and my children a great deal of pain physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

I felt as though I was a ship in the ocean being rocked back and forth by large waves. I ended up dreading making decisions. Also, I lost respect, and trust in my husband. How could he abuse the very children he asked his Creator for. They were all gifts who had great health and intelligence. What right did he have to put me in a situation where I had to decide rather press charges against him for the abuse or let him get away with it?

My daughter who had been watching me for so many years started to lose respect for me. She viewed me as a weak woman who only stayed with a man because I could not take care of the family alone financially.

She was only part right, I did not have a problem with working outside the home. I had a problem with where the children would be while I did. I tried letting the oldest children watch the youngest but when I got home someone would be hurt. Placing so many children in an after-school program was also ruled out because they would end up making more money than me. The last and most concerning reason was my fear of their father having visitations without anyone around to protect my son should he happen to get angry.

When my children were old enough to go to the principal, call a police officer, or 211. I pressed charges against their father, while he was in jail I divorced him, then moved to Texas where my parents lived. By this time my daughter was grown and she had started to make her own decisions. Living her own life with her own set of morals and values that were the opposite of mine. I struggled with her decisions always feeling like my ship was sinking.

When my daughter was in middle school I had told her as well as all her brothers that I was not raising children who acted one way in front of my face and a different way behind my back. This resulted in my children telling me everything that they would experience in life. They did not hide anything from me which eventually became a huge burden for me to bear.

Most of the time the things they said to me left me speechless and my heart aching. For example the day my daughter told me that she was bisexual and that she was into being treated like the woman in the movie fifty shades of grey. That day I almost turned fifty shades of gray myself as I was throwing up. If that was not bad enough then she tells me that she decided to be a lingerie model and that she got a tattoo down her spine that said," Love hurts but the pain is meant to be felt."

I love my daughter and sons dearly however, I am always feeling like I am a ship out in the middle of the ocean and there is nothing but storms coming my way. When will they stop? I feel like escaping every time because the things these children are doing are against everything that I believe is right.

My beautiful daughter is so talented in writing poetry, songs, and stories she has such a sarcastic way of speaking that you can't help but laugh, and cry when you read her work. The way she speaks is so enlightening that she could inspire and motivate even me to be a better version of myself.

Watching a child whom you cannot seem to let go of for fear of them destroying themselves is so hard. My brain knows that she is a grown woman who has to make her own mistakes and live her own life. My heart just sees her as my baby girl, who I want to always be around and protect. I have to let her go to help those who see her as a ship on the horizon who believe that she is their muse and can help bring the best out of them. I have to decide to love her and not to interfere even if it is against my beliefs so that I do not lose her. Then and only then will the tides be bearable and I enjoy my children without feeling the need to change them.