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Excited to be Scared

Transitions in life.

By Call Me. IshmaelPublished 3 years ago 9 min read
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Excited to be Scared
Photo by Tim Swaan on Unsplash

EXCITED TO BE SCARED

“ARE YOU READY TO FLY?” MY DAUGHTER ASKED ME. THE ONLY WAY TO RESPOND TO SUCH A STATEMENT IS “YES, I’M READY TO FLY”; WE TOOK EACH OTHERS’ HANDS; GENTLY GRIPPING MY OTHER DAUGHTER'S HAND AS WE WALKED TOGETHER KNOWING THAT THE FUTURE IS THE TRUST WE PUT IN THE UNIVERSE TOGETHER. THERE IS PEACE AND LOVE WHEN YOU LET GO TO THE UNIVERSE AND THE DIVINE, THIS IS SUCH A STORY.

SITTING UP FROM HIS BED AFTER THE TURN OF EVENTS, STRUGGLING TO MOVE BUT STILL DETERMINED, HE FORCES HIS BODY INTO THE POSITION. THE CAPACITY TO HOLD YOURSELF AFTER SUCH TRAGEDY IS ASTONISHING IN ITSELF. ELMO ISHMAEL IS HIS NAME, A MAN THAT HAS LIVED MORE THAN MOST. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STATES I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL “YOUR GRANDFATHER HAS GOTTEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT, HE BROKE HIS NECK AND IS NOW A QUAE QUADRIPLEGIC” MY FATHER TOLD ME. GASP… MY POOR GRANDFATHER; THIS IS MY FIRST REACTION THEN COMES, HOW I CAN BE THERE FOR HIM IN HIS TIME OF NEED? HOW DO I GET TO HIM? UNFORTUNATELY THE REACTION OF THE REST OF WHOM I KNOW WAS NOT THE SAME, AS THEY SEE MY GRANDFATHER IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT. A FAILURE, A BAD FATHER, A POTHEAD, TOO INDEPENDENT, A BAD HUSBAND, A WASHED UP INDIVIDUAL AND THE LIST GOES ON ACCORDING TO OUTSIDE PERCEPTION MY PREDISPOSED SOCIETY NORMS, CASTING JUDGMENTS UPON HIM. MEANWHILE ALL I SEE IS THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE TO REALLY GET TO KNOW THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, SOMEONE THAT I CARE FOR BECAUSE HE IS HUMAN.

WHAT CAN I DO? HOW CAN I SHOW HIM I CARE? THIS WAS A STRUGGLE FOR ME AS I RECEIVED REPORTS ON HOW MY GRANDFATHER WAS DOING, I TOLD MY STORY OF MY BOYFRIEND, AT THE TIME, WHO LOOKED AT ME WITH TEARS AND PAIN IN MY EYES. THEN FATE SET IN. AT THE TURN OF EVENTS MY BOYFRIEND WAS GOING TO BEND, OREGON FOR A WORK CONFERENCE; IN WHICH MY GRANDFATHER WAS BEING HELD IN A TRANSITIONAL CARE FACILITY IN BEND, OREGON OF ALL PLACES! MY BOYFRIEND HAD A COMPANION PASS FOR HIS FLIGHT TO BEND SO I JUMPED AT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO SEE MY GRANDFATHER. THIS BROUGHT ME SO MUCH JOY AND IN ITS ALIGNMENT WAS TO BE A LIFE ALTERING MOMENT, ONE IN WHICH I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN IMAGINED. BEFORE GETTING TO MY DESTINATION THERE WAS SOMETHING INSIDE ME AND SOMETHING INSIDE MY GRANDFATHER THAT WE KNEW AT THIS MOMENT WAS FATE. IT WAS EXTRAORDINARY HOW THE UNIVERSE ANSWERED MY CALL, DIVINE INTERVENTION. AFTER ARRIVING TO SEE MY GRANDFATHER ALTHOUGH THE CIRCUMSTANCES WERE SAD THE REUNION WAS SWEET. AS I LOOKED INTO MY GRANDFATHER'S BLUE EYES FULL OF LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND REMORSE, I REMEMBERED HOW IT FELT TO SEE HIM. IT WAS LIKE I WAS PICKED UP AND GIVEN TO HIM, OVERWHELMINGLY FULL OF LOVE AND PEACE. YOU SEE I HAVE NOT GOTTEN A LOT OF OPPORTUNITY TO SPEND TIME WITH MY GRANDFATHER ALONE. I NEVER GOT TO KNOW HIM ON A PERSONAL LEVEL, ONLY THE PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF WHAT I TAUGHT ABOUT HIM. AS I WHEELED MY GRANDFATHER IN HIS WHEELCHAIR, INTO THE DINNING AREA FOR LUNCH, HIS EXCITEMENT FOR MY ARRIVAL WAS HUMBLING TO SAY THE LEAST. “HEY MARTHA, LOOK THIS IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER, LOOK THIS IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER, HI PHIL THIS IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER” MY GRANDPA SAID WITH EXCITEMENT TO EVERYONE WE PASSED BY. WHAT AN AMAZING THING TO BE LOVED AND CARED ABOUT THAT MUCH BY SOMEONE WHO BARELY KNOWS YOU YET KNOWS YOU COMPLETELY. WE TOOK THE PRIVATE ROOM WITH THE WINDOW VIEW TO SIT AT THE TABLE AND ENJOY WHAT MY GRANDFATHER WANTED MOST, THAI FOOD! MY BOYFRIEND BROUGHT US THE THAI FOOD; AS WE ALL SAT TOGETHER AROUND THE TABLE LISTENING TO ONE ANOTHER AND LEARNING FROM OUR STORIES. I WARN YOU WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. GIVEN MY GRANDFATHER'S STATE HE WAS HIGHLY EMOTIONAL AFTER THE TURN OF EVENTS, AND IN A LOT OF WAYS RETHINKING HOW HE COULD HAVE LIVED HIS LIFE DIFFERENTLY AND CHANGED THE OUTCOME OF A HAPPIER LIFE. AS MY GRANDFATHER TOLD MY BOYFRIEND AND I HIS STORIES WE SAT BACK AND HEARD HIM. YOU SEE MY GRANDFATHER DID NOT HAVE A HAPPY SIMPLE LIFE; HE WAS ABUSED BY HIS MOTHER WITH A FATHER THAT WAS NON-EXISTENT, HE WAS LITTLE GUIDANCE IN LIFE. HE FELL INTO DRUGS, BEING A FATHER AND HUSBAND AT THE EARLY AGE OF 17 YRS OLD, THE DRUGS CAUSED A DOWNWARD SPIRAL. HE WAS NOT GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO HEAL BUT RATHER HE HAD TO BUCK UP AND BE A MAN. HE TOLD US THE STORIES OF HIS HEROIN ADDICTION, THUS CAUSING HIM TO BE AN INEFFICIENT FATHER. THE THINGS HE WENT THROUGH ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS, THREATENED TO LOSE HIS LIFE BECAUSE OF HIS ADDICTION, BEING INVOLVED WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE, FINDING A WISH THAT HE’D NEVER HAD TO SEE WHAT HE’D SEEN. MY GRANDFATHER SAT BACK; THEN CRIED AND SCREAMED AT THE TABLE AS IF HE WAS RELIVING THE TORTURES OF HIS LIFE. THIS HURT TO WATCH BUT I KNEW THAT HE NEEDED TO HEAL SO WE SAID AND DID NOTHING, WE ONLY HELD HIS HAND. YES MY GRANDFATHER WAS NOT THE BEST FATHER, HE WAS AN ADDICT, HE WASN’T ALWAYS GOOD TO HIS WOMEN AND NOW, AT THE END, HE WAS FEELING THE EFFECTS OF HIS LIFE DECISIONS. DOES THIS MEAN THAT HE SHOULD BE PUNISHED, PUSHED ASIDE WITH NO REGARD OR DOES IT MEAN THAT HE SHOULD BE FORGIVEN AND LOVED? TO ME THIS IS THE TIME HE NEEDS US THE MOST. AFTER LUNCH WITH MY GRANDFATHER MY BOYFRIEND AND I SAT WITH EACH OTHER. I WAS OVERWHELMED WITH THE THINGS I HEARD FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT GRATEFUL AND GRATEFUL TO MY BOYFRIEND FOR BEING THERE WITH ME.

I WENT BACK TO VISIT MY GRANDFATHER THE NEXT DAY AS I REALIZED SOMETHING, THE CARE HE WAS GETTING FROM THE TRANSITIONAL CARE FACILITY WAS NOT ADEQUATE, IN MY OPINION. HE WAS WAITING CONSTANTLY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND PEEING HIMSELF, HE WOULD GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY AND THEY WOULD TELL HIM THEY DIDN’T WANT HIM TO HEAL TOO MUCH, THEY WERE TRYING TO PRESCRIBE HIM PAIN MEDS (REMEMBER MY GRANDFATHER WAS AN EX HEROIN ADDICT), SOMETHING LIKE THAT COULD MAKE HIM WORSE. NOT TO WORRY HE CHOSE NOT TO TAKE ANY PAIN MEDICATIONS, SMART MAN. MY GRANDFATHER BROKE HIS NECK IN THE ACCIDENT AND THEY WOULD GIVE HIM PILLS BUT HE WAS UNABLE TO SWALLOW PROPERLY SO HE NEEDED ASSISTANCE, HE NEEDED ASSISTANCE WITH A LOT OF THINGS: DRESSING, STANDING UP, SITTING DOWN, HOLDING HIS UTENSILS, GOING TO THE BATHROOM, SHOWERING, EATING. ALTHOUGH MY GRANDFATHER NEEDED SUCH ASSISTANCE HE WAS DETERMINED TO GET BETTER AND BE THE INDEPENDENT MAN HE ONCE WAS. HIS THIRST AND DETERMINATION WAS INSPIRING. SEEING THE WAY HE WAS TAKEN CARE OF INFURIATED ME, THE LACK OF ATTENTION AND INDIVIDUALIZED CARE QUITE FRANKLY PISSED ME OFF. I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BY TALKING TO THE STAFF AND GOING TO THE STORE TO GET HIM THINGS HE NEEDED TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT. I CAME BACK WITH A NUMBER OF ITEMS, TOILETRIES TO HELP HIM BRUSH HIS OWN TEETH AND WASH HIS OWN BODY, FOOD THAT HE COULD EAT, AND VITAMINS THAT WOULD HELP HIM. THEN I SEE A NURSE RUN IN “I’M SORRY TO SAY MS. BUT IF YOU WANT YOUR GRANDFATHER TO HAVE THESE THINGS HE MUST GET THEM FROM THE DOCTOR”, WHAT AN ELEMENTARY SYSTEM I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE B12, OR THINGS AS SIMPLE AS APPLE CIDER VINEGAR ( TO HELP HIS DIGESTIVE SYSTEM SO HE COULD REGULATE HIS BOWELS). I WAS SO ANGRY BECAUSE I CARE FOR MY GRANDFATHER AND WANT HIM TO HAVE THE BEST CARE POSSIBLE. IT CAME TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE AND END MY VISIT WITH MY GRANDFATHER, I LEFT BUT I LEFT FEELING SAD DUE TO THE FACT THAT I WANTED TO MAKE SURE HE WAS GOING TO BE WELL TAKEN CARE OF. I WAS ALSO VERY HAPPY FOR THE OPPORTUNITY AND THE QUALITY TIME THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME.

WHEN I GOT HOME I TOOK A COUPLE DAYS OFF WORK TO REALLY REEVALUATE MY LIFE. AFTER SEEING MY GRANDFATHER THIS CHANGED WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT MY LIFE AND WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED. WHERE DID I WANT IT TO GO, WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DID I WANT TO BE, WHAT KIND OF DIFFERENCE DID I WANT TO MAKE IN THIS WORLD; THESE WERE THING I WAS ASKING MYSELF. SEEING MY GRANDFATHER MADE ME TAKE A STEP BACK. I MADE A DECISION, I CAN NOT SIT BACK AND JUST KEEP LOOKING AT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY PLANET AND THE THINGS I CARE ABOUT GO TO WASTE. I MUST DO SOMETHING BECAUSE OF THE LOVE I CARRY FOR THIS WORLD AND THE PEOPLE IN IT. THINGS ARE HAPPENING ON OUR PLANET. THE EARTH IS TALKING TO US, TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH US THROUGH: HURRICANES, FIRES, TORNADOES, ANIMAL AND LIFE EXTENSION, NEW ILLNESSES, AGRICULTURAL DECLINE, EVEN OUR LEADERS AND SCIENTISTS ARE AT A LOSS IN THE CHAOS. THE QUESTION COMES; WHAT DO WE DO? AS A PERSON, A PART OF A GENERATION THAT IS CALLED MILLENNIAL’S IN WHICH IS NORMALLY TAKEN WITHIN A NEGATIVE CONTEXT. AT 33 YRS OLD, A LIFETIME HAIRDRESSER, MOTHER, DAUGHTER, FRIEND AND YES A MILLENNIAL. I CHOSE AS A MILLENNIAL TO BE JUST THAT A GENERATION Y MILLENNIAL, A MILLENNIAL THAT CHANGES THE WAY THE WORLD SEES OUR FUTURE. I BELIEVE WE ARE HEADED TO AN EVOLUTIONARY STATE, I BELIEVE IN SUCCESS IN THE FUTURE AND ABILITY OF HUMANS TO OPEN TO CONSCIOUSNESS AS A COLLECTIVE. AS A MILLENNIAL I CHOOSE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND BE A PART OF THE CHANGE. THAT IS WHY I AM WRITING, IT IS WHY I WAKE UP, IT IS WHY I EDUCATE MY CHILDREN, IT IS WHY I FIGHT FOR GOOD, IT IS WHY I SEE THE WORLD THE WAY I SEE IT, IT IS WHY I REMEMBER THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE AND FORGET ABOUT THE SMALLER THINGS. SEEING THE WORLD THE WAY A DEER SEES IT; BEAUTIFUL, STRONG AND WORTH FIGHTING FOR. AM I SCARED OF MY POWER, THE ANSWER IS YES BUT ONE PERSON CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I AM SCARED BUT I AM EXCITED. THANK YOU TO MY GRANDFATHER, MY CHILDREN, AND THOSE THAT SUPPORT ME. I AM READY TO CHANGE THE WAY I SEE THE WORLD AND THE FOOTPRINT I CHOOSE TO LEAVE IN IT. AFTER ALL I DO COME FROM A LINE OF GYPSY’S, ACCORDING TO MY GRANDFATHER.

“ARE YOU READY TO FLY?” MY DAUGHTER ASKED ME. THE ONLY WAY TO RESPOND TO SUCH A STATEMENT IS “YES, I’M READY TO FLY”; WE TOOK EACH OTHERS’ HANDS; GENTLY GRIPPING MY OTHER DAUGHTER'S HAND AS WE THREE WALKED TOGETHER KNOWING THAT THE FUTURE IS THE TRUST WE PUT IN THE UNIVERSE TOGETHER. THERE IS PEACE AND LOVE WHEN YOU LET GO TO THE UNIVERSE AND THE DIVINE, THIS IS SUCH A STORY.

humanity
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About the Creator

Call Me. Ishmael

Welcome and thank you for coming to my platform. I am a full time writer and artist. I find my passion and love for life fully expressed through my creativity. It is a master plan and life purpose to be able to bring this passion to you.

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