Evolution Of A Girl

When I think about my coming of age it’s hard to focus on exactly how it happened. The memories scatter like broken glass into a million pieces. I always struggle to put events in the correct order. I will attempt to explain how events happened.

I grew up living in my mother’s house, my parents were divorced when I was three. According to all involved, it was a relief. Their marriage lasted over 20 years, produced 5 kids, it also produced a lot of heavy drinking, and violence between them.

Little of that time in my mothers' life was good to remember.

In the broken aftermath of their marriage and divorce she drowned in her own depression; never thinking she was capable of achieving anything on her own. Looking back I see where she found it difficult to move on, but as a kid, I never knew what was happening to her. Still, she tried to be a mom and I thought it was normal that she was sometimes withdrawn. She still believed in me and tried to support my goals in life.

At age 17 I was a shy introverted bookworm. I was quiet and kept to myself so I was bullied a lot during my time at school. Depression kept me from making friends. I spent most of my time at home. My mom was a comfort to me.

As I made my way to the end of high school, my mother became different, she went out for hours at a time, then, sometimes gone for days. She forgot to pay bills and shop for groceries. Then she began to steal what money my brother and I had. What eventually came to light was my mother had become addicted to crack cocaine. In the grip of addiction, she began not to care about the things she did before. My mother, my rock, in reality, the one person who could tell me everything would be fine and I would believe it. But she withdrew from me, from everyone who loved her for reasons that are still hard to understand. We still needed her but she never felt needed.

I felt deserted by her and I thought maybe she felt deserted by us as children. We were grown or almost grown, there was nothing left but her. Maybe it wasn't enough for her?

I loved her, but she lied and had stolen from people who loved her, I could not let myself be a part of her fake reality.

In my senior year of high school, I went to live with my dad. He was a distant person to me then. I never spent a lot of time with him growing up. All I ever heard from my mother growing up was how terrible he was. He did do some bad things during their marriage but they both did. That was over 15 years ago at this point in my life. Our relationship was awkward at first but over time we learned to talk to each other. I felt safe at his house and I could think about what I wanted for myself.

I began the process of separating myself from my mother. After graduation, I went to community college. I met someone and we moved in together, probably not the best idea for me but it was the best way at that moment. I would have to find my own life without her, whatever would happen, I would have to learn to deal with it on my own.

My mother passed away in December of 1995. Found in her apartment unconscious by my dad, she was rushed to the hospital and put on life support. A week later, after the doctors consulted us that she had no brain activity, my brothers, sister, and I decided to take her off of life support. Her pain was over.

A week later, we went to her apartment to go through her things, we found bottles of medication untouched. Having had diabetes for five years, she knew what not taking her medication would do to her physically. The cocaine she regularly consumed only finished her health's downward spiral. In the end, she had ultimately decided to end any chance of her having a better life.

It has been a long road for me, with many challenges to overcome. When all you have lived is addiction and dysfunction it becomes a lifelong journey to live better. I’ve been in therapy for a few years, making progress steadily on how I can live better and avoid the pitfall that depression can bring. The journey that I began all those years ago still continues. I devoted my life to change, to not repeating the past. So far, I have achieved that goal.