Every Girl Needs Her Mom

Dear Mom,

I’ve never found the right way to tell you this, but I don’t think I need you around and someday I'll know that I won't. Now, this might seem strange, but let me explain. After all, every girl needs her mom. Doesn't she? These things that I'm saying may not seem to make much sense, considering that for the past 15 years of my life we’ve been growing around each other like scared, gnarled trees lost in the forest of our intertwining lives. We are bonded in ways that sometimes I feel as though only you and I could be. You understand me beyond comprehensible belief and despite anything I might be going through from day to day, you are always able to provide me with insight into what was like for you and what to do while being me. And although I don’t have the ability to provide you with the same knowledge, I am always there to listen with open ears and an open mind. I am there to wipe your tears like that one day on the porch when everything felt like it was breaking you down. You are always there to hold me every night I can't find my way to sleeping, from when I was a child with nightmares, to when I was a teenager with a broken heart. I love you more than anyone in this world and according to you, you love me more than yourself. Yet, somehow, I’ve found my way to think that I don’t need you around. It's not meant to be cruel though, and ironically enough the reason I think this is because of you.

For the entirety of my life, you have been my guiding star. I look to you anytime I feel lost, hurt, anxious, confused, sad, or painfully angry. In response, you light the way to somewhere that feels like home. You’ve been there for every moment in my life: my birth, every birthday, every big event, every hospital visit, every moment of depression, and every moment of tear-inducing joy. You have managed to show up every time and the fact that you can’t say the same for your own childhood lets me know just how privileged I am to say that so proudly. I have leaned on you for so long, my mother, my pillar, my best friend, my therapist, my guiding star. And I’m aware that letting me lean terrifies you. You are so afraid of the fact that by letting me lean on you there’s a good chance that I’ll never know how to be on my own, and when I do it’ll be harder for me. However, this is one regard in which I know more than you. The good thing about guide posts is that while you can lean on them, you can also stand away from them. The cool thing about a guiding star is that there won’t be a night where it’s not in the sky. The great thing about you being my mom is that you’ll always be a part of me. You’ll always be in my bones, mind, soul, heart, and DNA. That night on the porch and that day when I got dumped have only further proven to me this irrevocable truth. I do not need you around. Whether you are or aren’t around I’ll hold you with me along with your love and all of the things you taught me. You are my guiding star and whether you are around or long gone, you will always be the reason I find places that feel like home. So, don’t worry, I’ll be okay, I promise.

I love you,

Ariah