Ever Wonder What Infertility Feels Like?

As I sit here thinking, wondering, pondering about what I should write, I'll be honest I'm not sure where to start, but I want to talk about something close to my heart. Something that some people take for granted. Some look at it like a burden and some are shocked by it, but I'll begin.

Let's talk about infertility. It's the most heart-breaking thing I have ever experienced. While you have tried for many many years and each pregnancy test you take is another negative you start wondering to yourself, "What did I do to deserve this? Have I really been that bad of a person?"

You look around and you see babies and pregnancy announcements happening. While you sit there anxiously waiting on your test results to appear. Your gut knows it's a negative, but you still have that tiny glimmer of hope that you are holding tightly on to. 3 minutes pass, no second line. 5 minutes pass and you find yourself tearing apart the pregnancy test in hopes you will discover a second line you missed, even the faintest of a line you look for, but it just isn't there. You toss the pregnancy test in the trash and you are flooded with sadness. You just knew this time was going to be it. That test was going to have a second line, but in minutes you were crushed.

You sit there talking out loud to yourself. "I have been trying for over a year now, I don't have any problems that would keep me from becoming pregnant that I know of. Maybe I need to talk with my doctor, maybe there's something she can do to explain why I'm going through this."

So you pick up the phone and make a gynecologist appointment.

This is just the beginning stage of infertility.

You go to your appointment and the gynecologist wants to run some blood work and you immediately run down to the nearest blood draw lab.

A week later the gynecologist calls you back in for your results. As you sit there waiting you become nervous, it's the moment of truth. The gynecologist walks in with the results in her hand. She sits down gently on the swivel chair and explains as carefully as she can to you that you have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

As she explains to you what causes the condition everything is starting to come together and make sense.

That explains the black hairs that have been appearing under you chin. It explains the massive weight gain which you have a hard time getting off. The moodiness, the missing menstrual cycle, the headaches, the extra body hair, and it especially explains why you can not conceive.

You ask the gynecologist if there is a treatment option for this PCOS. She explains that there isn't really a treatment option but women are put on a diabetic drug called Metformin to help manage their PCOS symptoms.

So you try the pill in hopes that it helps, but it doesn't do a thing for you.

So you start grieving. You want a baby so bad but you can't have one and you grieve to yourself. You grieve to your husband. You grieve to your mom and sister. All they can do is comfort you and assure you that one day it will happen.

When the grieving stage is over you enter the jealousy stage. You see these women with their babies. You see a woman who has a kid, a toddler, and two babies who look to be about a year apart and she's screaming at them, she's stressed out, her relationship with their father is non existent, and she's trying but she's struggling. All at the same time you would do anything to be in her shoes, you wouldn't worry about the worries she has. You would do things differently, you think to yourself. Then you see the women who abuse their children, who take their children for granted, and you want to reach out and slap the living life out of them. They have been blessed them with beautiful babies and they don't appreciate that.

Then you go through the anger stage. You are angry with every person around you who gets pregnant. You can't stand to see a pregnant woman. You are angry at yourself, your body, you just want to be a normal woman and have a baby like it was intended, but you can't and you're angry about that so you stay to yourself and go about your way holding that anger inside you. Questioning why you can not have a baby.

Then the final stage is acceptances. Years pass by and you accept the fact that you may never have a baby and that's okay. That means you get to love on other babies who may need it. You are okay with the infertility and you realize you have a lot of life style changes to make before you can become pregnant. And instead of questioning, you listen. You agree and you accept.

It takes a strong woman to go through this infertility thing. It takes a strong woman to wake up everyday knowing she has PCOS and the side effects it brings along.

Pregnancy may be taken for granted by some. It may be a burden to others. And it may be a complete surprise to you because you haven't even been trying.

Just know this, there are women out there everyday with these diseases who can't have babies. Whether they have PCOS, Endometriosis, blocked tubes, or whatever the issue, they strive everyday to have a baby. Their goal is to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and give birth to a healthy baby. Some women may be lucky and conceive a baby or two. But always remember what you are taking for granted. What you are considering a burden, some women would give anything for, even if it meant giving their souls, to have what you do and that is a baby.

If you can convince naturally and carry to full term, be grateful for your healthy reproductive system because some women didn't get so lucky.