My older sister and I were never close, in fact, she was a terrible sister. We are seven years apart, so I tried my best to fit in with her. She used to try and suffocate me since I was small, and she'd beat me, along with so much more.
When I was really small, I think about five or six, she would hold me down and pile pillows and blankets on my face, and hold them there until I passed out, or until I stopped struggling. There were times that she tried to drown me in a bath or shower, and other times where she would try to strangle me with her hands. She'd beat me and pull my hair, and neither of my parents knew this was happening.
Although, even after all that, I still wanted her approval and love, I guess; and years went by before I realized it would never happen. I tried my hardest to make her love me, from lying to our parents for her, all the way to pushing my own emotions to the side all for her.
About a year or two ago, things started getting really bad. She met this guy, and at the time she was still living with my family and I at 21. Now, I didn't want to judge this guy because of his record, but he spent seven years in prison for murder, and only got seven years, because he snitched. Now he lives behind a huge brick wall that surrounds his whole property along with five guard dogs. He sells drugs, guns—you name it, he sells it. But it wasn't even that. When she met him, she had a puppy, who she had just gotten about a couple months before they started dating, so when he came around she would spend days out, sleeping at his house, and leave her dog with my family and I.
When she wasn't there I took on the responsibility of caring for the dog, and loving it like she did not. After months of this, the dog grew fond of me, and we developed a bond that she didn't form with the dog, so she instantly got upset that when she came home the dog would run from her.
After that she got upset and tried to sell the dog when my mother told her she had to stay at the house with the dog, or take the dog with her because we already had three dogs that we could barely take care of. Her dog was a pit bull, and we had three small shiz-tzus. So she left the dog with some people that wanted to buy her. They called us the next morning, and said she tried to attack their dogs, and they had to sedate her. The dog felt betrayed and attacked; I understood. We brought her home, and she tried attacking our dogs, so my sister decided to put her to sleep. Which I refused furiously, but as a child no one would listen to me. We took her to the pound the same day, and put her down. I was more than upset and cried more than my sister who was supposed to be the owner of the dog. She didn't shed one tear.
Then I was getting bullied at school and became depressed. As a kid, I tried to hide it and wrote about it in my diary. One day my mother read my diary and confronted me. I sat quietly and didn't say anything, so she turned to my sister. She thought maybe my sister would make me feel better. She didn't. In my diary I wrote about my suicidal thoughts, and my mother showed it to my sister. She brought me out to her car and read it with me sitting next to her. She wasn't concerned, at all.
I cried as she read it out loud, thinking she was going to say something, but she wasn't saying anything about it. When she was done reading it she turned to me and said without a drop of emotion in her voice, " You should've just killed yourself, not like anyone would've missed you." After that, I got out of the car and ran into my room, and I kept it a secret. I didn't want my mother and father to know what the child they raised turned out to be.
Later that month, my mother and father got into a fight and they were on the edge of divorce. My mother gathered my sisters and I into the car and drove to a dead end road and parked the car there. My oldest sister who this is all about, turned to my mother, and straight up told my mother to leave our father, who pays all the bills, and has his name on everything. He didn't hit us, hurt us or anything. All he has ever done is love us. So my mother said no and calmed down then drove back to the house. My sister took it upon herself and started a fight with him, and ended up throwing a candle at him. It hit him and shattered all over the floor, and on him. Then she finished it off with yelling at him to take his own gun and blow his brains out.
*My brain is all over the place trying to write this all down, so I'm sorry if its all over the place.*
So now, at this point, my sister is spending more and more days at her boyfriend's place, and I mean weeks. My sister brought him to meet us, and he was horrible. He was rude to us and was a major jerk. My mom found out what he was doing, what he was selling, so she gave my sister an ultimatum, leave him and stay with us, or forget us and live with him.
She chose him.
So my mom threw her and her stuff out, she piled it all into her car and drove off to his place. Days and weeks and months went by and we hadn't heard from her. Birthdays, Christmas, and everything went by without a word from her. She was spending it all with his family, completely forgetting about us. I had a Facebook account and a phone that she could've texted me, or called me as my sister, but she didn't. My mom and dad are depressed and blame themselves, so I can't share my sadness or despair or anything. I buried it and I still am. I can't talk to anyone about it, and it's burning a hole in me. I place a smile on my face everyday, but I don't mean any of it. My 16th birthday just passed and I didn't get a real happy birthday, or anything from her. I don't know how to deal with it anymore, and I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.