Empty Nest Syndrome

Empty nest syndrome has been described as that feeling of grief and loneliness parents experience when their children leave home for the first time to live on their own because of a job offer or to attend college. It is not a clinical condition, but it is a definite psychological adjustment.

Anybody who has children, which is the majority of us, will have to come to terms with this at some point in their life. It is an unavoidable emotional process, an inevitable reckoning with reality.

When we are young, everything is in the future. We have our plans, our hopes, our dreams all firmly in mind, and once we get out of school and enter the work world full time, we are caught up in a dizzying, spinning carousel of expectations and realities.

Most people marry or hook up in their mid-twenties these days, although there is a definite trend amongst the younger generation these days to wait until they turn 30 to seriously consider settling down and raising a family.

They would prefer to party, and get a working life or business career established first. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

In my generation, people married usually right out of high school or college, so 21 or 22 was considered the prime marrying years. Of course, this was an improvement over medieval times when an unmarried woman of 21 was considered an “old maid.”

The mortality rate at childbirth was extremely high back then and as a result, many women died before the age of 25. But everybody back then generally had much shorter life spans too.

With all the medical advances in childbirth and birth control options available to women today, they are able to put off any questions of settling down, childbirth, and raising a family until they feel comfortable with the concept.

But inevitably, through choice or circumstance, most women do have children eventually, and it is then when the reality of modern life sets in.

Having children, raising children, and seeing to their education and well-being, with or without the help of the father is a maelstrom of madcap activity for a mother.

The whirl and swirl of midnight feedings and changing diapers and later getting the kids off to pre-school while balancing their own career or work life is a constant juggling act, even if they do have a supportive partner.

This is what happens to most young people, and they are often surprised to be so consumed by the frantic, frenetic pace of life once they have children, especially when the children are newborns.

But eventually, as the children get older and start developing their own network of friends and acquaintances through school or neighbors, there is less and less demand or need for direct parental involvement.

At first, they are babies, totally dependent on their parents, then they become children, people in their own right. Once they become teenagers, they know everything and want the whole world. Life’s a big party!

But then comes that inevitable day, when the children physically leave the home. This is precisely when Empty Nest Syndrome can strike in full force.

Many people are surprised to feel depression, sadness, and grief instead of the expected feelings of relief and a sense of a job well done. Mothers are especially affected, as they are usually the primary caregivers.

Fathers can experience similar feelings of loss regarding the departure of their children. This can come as a surprise for many men.

Empty nest syndrome isn’t a disease. Instead, it is a life-changing moment in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when their last child leaves home. Suddenly, it’s just you and your mate in the house. Old habits and routines are shattered.

How often have you heard people say they were only staying together because of the children? Now what? More decisions. Hi, Stranger!

Although as parents we actively encourage our children to become independent, the actual moment of letting go can be very painful. You might find it difficult to suddenly have no children at home who need your care.

You might miss being a part of your children’s daily lives. You will almost surely miss the constant companionship and conversations, even the arguments. Things will be different, and change is often stressful.

Parents might also worry inordinately about their children’s safety and whether they’ll be able to take care of themselves on their own. You will inevitably struggle on some level with the transition when your last child leaves the nest.

If you have only one child or strongly identify with your role as a parent, you might have a particularly difficult time adjusting to an empty nest.

Research suggests that some parents dealing with empty nest syndrome may feel a deep sense of loss. In a worst-case scenario, they can become depressed, or have an identity crisis. Marital conflicts are common.

However, this is not a universal reaction. Some parents may feel a sense of relief and their newfound freedom can reduce work and family conflicts.

Children leaving home is a natural thing, and most parents enjoy preparing them to succeed in the outside world. Parents can stay in touch more than ever these days, with phone calls, texts, or video chats. Maybe more than their children would like!

Remember, as a parent you are not alone. There are lots of people in the same situation, and you can always get together and compare notes and share feelings. It’s important to retain a positive attitude. All children want to leave home and start life on their own.

It’s like baby birds being nudged out of their nests so they can learn to spread their wings and learn to fly on their own. It’s totally natural.

The important thing is to try to stay positive. This is a major life change for both parents and children, but it is normal. Parents will definitely have more privacy and probably more energy for hobbies and to re-acquaint themselves with their mates.

But there really is no getting around it, having that last child leave the home is an emotional, gut-wrenching experience, just like it was when you had your first child, to begin with. It is the flip side of the same coin.

In the end, all you can do is remember the good times, hope you raised them right with a good core value system, wish them well, and realize it is an inevitable part of life.

Life is a cycle, and experiencing the empty nest syndrome is a very real and very necessary part of that cycle. Just remember when you left home for the first time! How did you feel?

It’s all a matter of perspective…

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