Embracing Life

Come, my dear, sit down beside me and let me tell you a story.

This is a story of a woman, a girl really. A mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. The story of a girl who rose from the ashes of what she thought her life would be. She imagined a family with a loving husband, kids, a happy career. What she got was terror, addiction, and running for her life.

When her dream turned into a nightmare she felt adrift, lost, scared. She didn't know how to achieve what she wanted on her own. She tried different things, some of which she failed at, but some of which she excelled at. She learned. She grew. She struggled, MAN did she struggle. But she knew it was important to press on. She had a goal and wanted to make something of her life.

In the beginning, she lived solely for her daughter. Every day was a struggle to get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other, and take care of her daughter. Every day she would look at herself in the mirror and wonder how everything had changed so much. Every day she tore down her old patterns of thinking and began making new ones.

What she made was a home. A safe circle for herself and her daughter. A fortress against the pain in the world. She threw away everything that she knew to bring safety home to her child. And she hid. Hid because of cruelty. Hid because of pain. Hid because of fear. And by hiding from the dark feelings she missed out on the light ones.

One day, while she was working, she was injured, and her life changed again. Now there was physical pain to add to the mental pain. So much pain. It controlled everything, every waking thought, action, feeling. She couldn't work, she couldn't take care of her home, she couldn't find joy in the things she used to love. Depression settled over her house and her world became ensconced in darkness. She hid herself and her feelings to avoid the pain. Her friends slowly began to melt away until finally, she woke to realize she was completely alone in the world. She had let her heart harden like the ice covering a pond in winter. With just a small hole she could dip into for human contact. The only people left were her mother and her daughter. Her own personal triad of hope and strength.

As time passed, she grew stronger and became confident. She healed. She learned different ways to cope with pain. She started working again. She began to thrive. She watched as her child grew, blossomed, and then got sick. She persevered.

Together the triad learned everything again from a new, interesting point of view. They learned to navigate the black and white world of autism. Then depression. Then suicidal ideation. It was terrifying. All the time. Everyday wondering if today would be the day, and praying it wasn't. The triad fell apart and the mother was alone with her daughter. Once again living in fear. And then one day, despite her best efforts, she broke. Again.

Something different had to be done. The girl and her daughter HAD to survive. There was no other choice. So she reached out. She asked for help. She forced them outside of the protective cocoon. She knew that if they stayed there they would both die. It was hard. It terrified her. It took every ounce of will to live they both possessed, sometimes relying on the other one's will to carry them through.

She made mistakes. Oh man, there was a long list of things that she wished she had done differently. She cried. She raged at the injustice. Her daughter raged at her. The first time the police came to take her child away. And the second. By the third time, her daughter simply laughed while the girl cried.

Finally, someone found them and threw them a line. Pulling them out of the frozen water where they were drowning and bringing them to shore.

The pain wasn't over, but the will to fight returned. The fear of living lessened and they began to grow again. Learning to make plans again was hard. Stepping out of the cave of isolation was hard. Atoning for mistakes they made when they felt there were no other options, was hard.

Things were different. The girl had grown. Learned to rely upon herself. Discovered a confidence she didn't know she possessed. Helped her daughter return to living. She began to embody the woman she had dreamed she would become in the before times.

Now the time approaches for the child to go on her way, for the first time in her life she faces living alone. The woman looks around her and wonders what adventures are coming next. She is excited to find out and plans to meet the future head on. No longer hiding.

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