Eight Tests Later

They never really tell you the feeling you get when you first find out you are pregnant. I'm sure the feeling is different for everyone. However, I can only speak from personal experience.

There was this mixture of fear as well as excitement. There is a life growing inside of me and to this day it still blows my mind. Now, I did have some sort of idea that I was pregnant before I had even taken the test. Nonetheless, I chalked it up to the stress of finding a new place with my boyfriend. He and I would make jokes about him being my baby daddy with the sole intention of it being just that, a joke.

Boy, were we wrong. We haven't even been together officially two months yet and it was seemingly the biggest surprise and blessing we could have asked for. The time has never changed our love for one another or the love we share for the tiny nugget growing inside of me.

So, I had truly been feeling a bit under the weather. There was no denying that. Super tired, super achy, and pretty much had my boyfriend prepared for the Aunt Flow World War III we both thought was about to happen. There was something super different about how tired I was though. For sure have never experienced this type of exhaustion in my life. It was kind of worrying because I'm a lowkey hypochondriac.

Time went on and I still felt under the weather. A drunken night between the two of us did leave room for us to question where the exhaustion was coming from. My man had gotten a new job so I was adjusting to this new separation we had to deal with. From the moment we started dating we were literally inseparable.

I had a pregnancy test in tow because things honestly just didn't feel right. There was never a thought in my head that it would be positive because in all reality I was heavily in denial. Got one of those fancy sticks (that came with two) to pee on except it wasn't fancy it was a cheap brand and the first stick I peed on was a clear negative. I went about my day knowing I'd just been out of my mind. Or so I thought.

The next morning for the hell of it I took the second one knowing it would be negative even though my exhaustion was almost tripled that day. (deep down your girl knew what was up but was still playing hella dumb) Nothing. No line at all so I set the test aside and walked away for a little bit to feed and take out my dogs. When I came back to throw out the test there was a noticeable but very faint line. I immediately went into a small panic attack. I'm talking shaky voice, shaky breath, shaky pretty much everything.

I was so scared and honestly so broke on this day so I scoured my house for quarters so I could walk to the store and buy one of those cheap one dollar tests. On the way there I phoned a friend because my mind was going 8,000 miles a minute. I was speed walking during a full fledge panic attack but when you got girlfriends like mine it ain't even no big thing.

I mean it definitely was. It took me hours to calm down but she truly helped me. I went to the store pouring sweat in front of this cashier who was trying to shoot me some supportive glances although I barely made eye contact. Soon after I booked it home and fearfully dripped three drops of my pee into that tiny little hole. Guess what I saw? You'll never guess.

Yup, another faint line.

So, at this point I'm again sweating chocolate drops, flustered as all hell. My friend then bought me two more pregnancy tests but this time it was the big guns. Clearblue. There was a digital and a regular clear blue test. Took the digital and it said not pregnant. I was relieved but super confused because I had sworn I'd seen those faint lines and she also confirmed with me that she saw them as well.

That night I took the second one in the box because now I was in a special hell cycle of confusion. Was there a baby in me or not? So, I waited and this time that faint line was turning out not so faint anymore. It was definitely there and I was even more confused.

Picture it, Sicily, 1942, pregnancy tests scoured throughout my bathroom, burning confusion in my head and heart. It was a real shit show. So, I looked a few things up and apparently if you're in early pregnancy sometimes Clearblue digital can't read that you're pregnant.

Eight pregnancy tests and a missed period later here I am still in denial but very much pregnant. It's so surreal and I'm honestly so blessed to have such an amazing and supportive boyfriend in such a little amount of time. We are really doing this and I'm honestly so excited. God has blessed me after three years of depression and anguish.

Soon is my confirmation appointment. This is the start of a whole new life for him and I. While I'm sweaty, achy, and bitchy I truly can not wait to meet my nugget.

Life is beautiful but there are some tricky things you have to take into account when you find out you're having a baby. I never thought I'd be stressing over money this hard in my life. I just want the absolute best for my little family. And while it's hard I'm so ready to put up this nerve-rackingly beautiful fight.

I'm a mom.