Divorce Story: an Act of Love

My parents' divorce taught me more about love and respect than their marriage ever could have. I will always believe that it was the best decision they made as parents and as individuals. A family that was dysfunctional and trapped is now less dysfunctional, more unconventional, but free to be better and truer versions of themselves.

By no means am I saying that the divorce wasn't painful and overwhelming. In fact, it was a miserable time for all of us (my parents, my older brother, and me). We each have our own scars from that time and difficult memories that will never be forgotten. Despite the grief, confusion, and hurt it caused us, the divorce also gave me an extremely valuable gift. The aftereffect became a special perspective on love and relationships that changed how I viewed the world and myself for the better.

Hard to believe?

I think the general assumption regarding divorce is that it is perceived as the ending or loss of all the good instead of an opportunity for good. Everyone focuses on what isn't there anymore instead of what is there still or what could be. And I totally get that. When two people are at complete odds with each other to the point where coexisting is too painful, too dangerous, or just not what they want anymore it seems impossible to be able to envision a positive outcome or bearable compromise. If the marriage wasn't good, then how could the divorce be? It makes sense that the troubles of the marriage would be reflected in the divorce too. If there are children involved then those troubles usually become greater and more complicated even.

For my parents their friendship and respect for each other is what enabled them to get through the divorce and to transition to coparenting fairly smoothly all things considered. Personally, I think my parents' marriage didn't work because they were never truly in love. I think they loved and cared for each other enough as people to stay together for 19 years, but were too much of individuals to be able to maintain a life together. They are polar opposites in so many ways which caused frequent friction and arguments between them. They put up with the misery and pain they were both causing each other for the sake of their kids (which is a very common thread in marriages/divorced couples) for a long time before they finally decided they couldn't live that way anymore. My parents agreed to get a divorce a full two years before they actually did anything about it or told me and my brother. They decided to wait until my brother graduated high school in hopes that it would be easier then. I don't know if that actually made it easier for my brother or not. For me, it didn't really matter, I was eight years old when it happened so it was going to be disorienting and strange for me regardless at that age.

Before the divorce the four of us were living alone under the same roof. There was no talking, no family activity, no meals together. Everything was separate and disconnected, between all of us. When we did interact, it was all fighting and yelling. That was no way for any of us to be living. One of the questions I get asked the most (even by my own mom) is, "Do you wish your parents had stayed together?", and my answer is always, "No." If you could guarantee that my parents would have magically become happier while married, then sure. But that was not a realistic possibility. I much rather would grow up with my parents being divorced but be happier people than grow up with my parents being married but miserable people who fight, scream, and hate each other every day.

After the divorce, my parents began doing more for each other than I ever witnessed when they were married. They talk on the phone frequently. We spend every holiday together. My dad would help my mom around her house or drive her to doctor appointments. They buy each other gifts for every holiday and birthday. My mom joins us at all the family reunions for my dad's side. Dad would spend time with my mom's mom and help take care of her and visit in the nursing home. They sit together at all my recitals and performances and at my brother's concerts. They continued to not only care for me and my brother, but for each other despite their past. Their marriage may have ended, but a more valuable and meaningful relationship happened because of it. Coparents. Friends.

That newfound relationship proves that love is an action; love is a choice.

I've witnessed a lot of messy divorces that result in custody battles, terrible coparenting, or struggling single parents. It's excruciating for the adults and for the kids. It is not lost on me that my experience with divorce is a rare one. I got lucky. And I am eternally grateful. But because of that I genuinely wish that more people would approach their divorce with respect for one another. I feel like if both parties can at least find that respect for the other, then the process and aftermath of a divorce could be less painful for both themselves and any children involved.

In high school, my English teacher was experiencing some serious troubles in her marriage. Her husband had been an alcoholic for a few years and they had two daughters under the age of five to raise. She and I had become close while I was her student aide and she knew that my parents divorced when I was young. She asked me if I thought she should go through with it and how the divorce affected me. Now, I can't and won't be the judge to say whether or not anyone should end their marriage or fight for it. There will always be pros and cons and neither option will be "easier". But I do think that if one option is more likely to bring the parents happiness and a healthy environment for the children to grow up in, then go with that one. In my case, that meant divorce. The environment that my parents were able to create as a divorced couple was more beneficial and nurturing than the one in which they were married under the same roof.

My parents respected themselves. They respected each other. Through the example they set so powerfully I learned how to respect my own needs and feelings and to respect the needs and feelings of others, as well. In this way a divorce became a meaningful act of love. By learning that first hand, I think I will become a better person, partner, and parent.

Finally I'd just like to share a resource that became incredibly helpful in processing the divorce for both me and my parents. If you have any experience with or thoughts of divorce, I highly recommend reading The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee. The book manages to explain and put into perspective so many aspects and effects of divorce, which allowed me to come terms with and find peace and understanding for what my whole family experienced.