Divorce: A Psychological Analysis

As human beings, there are many tough things in life that we go through. Our daily lives are full of various stressors that make our lives harder. We may have to deal with rude peers or deal with traffic; these are stressors in our everyday lives. There are other things that may cause someone stress, grief, or anxiety. One of those things is divorce. It may not be part of our daily routine, but it's more common than you think, and for some people, it changes their lives.

What is Divorce?

Divorce is defined, in the Oxford Dictionary, as "the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body." This may be the official definition, but what exactly goes on during a divorce?

The divorce process begins when one spouse (the petitioner) writes a divorce petition. The petition is filed in a state court in either spouse's county. The petition includes the names of the husband, wife, any children, and states if there is any separate property, child custody, and child or spousal support.

The divorce papers (previously referred to as "the petition") are then served on the other spouse, in what is called "service of process." If the divorce is agreed upon by both spouses, an acknowledgment of the receipt of service needs to be signed. A professional process server will personally deliver the papers if there is any disagreement or difficulty in serving the papers. The other spouse, or "respondent," can file a response saying that they agree to the divorce. This shows that there is an agreement among both parties.

Both spouses must disclose information regarding their assets, liabilities, income and expenses. Once the court enters the judgment, the divorce is final.

Why Does Divorce Exist?

Back in the ancient times of the 16th century, divorce was frowned upon. Catholicism was a big part of society and played a big part in the making and enforcement of laws. This meant that a man and woman were not meant to split up once they were married. Well, all that changed in the mid-1500s.

It was 1527, nearly two decades into his reign, when King Henry VIII of England attempted to force Pope Clement VII into annulling his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. The reasoning behind this request? Catherine had failed to birth a male heir. King Henry VIII wanted more than just a successor. He had his eyes on Anne Boleyn, and he wished to make her his wife. Henry's marriage to Catherine was finally annulled by Archbishop Cranmer. This went against the Roman Catholic church's strong beliefs. In 1533, Henry broke from Rome and declared himself head of a new church—the Church of England. He then secretly married his beloved Anne Boleyn.

Within the same year, Anne had failed to birth a son, although she did birth a daughter. After the unfortunate stillbirth of a son, Henry was no longer interested in continuing this relationship with Anne. Only three years after their marriage, he falsely accused her of treason, adultery and incest, which led to her execution by beheading.

King Henry VIII and his many wives are not the only significant divorcees in history. In 1801, Jane Addison launched a case against her husband when he cheated on her with her own sister. She won the case based on Mr. Addison's adultery and incest with her sister in the marital home. Up until then, brutality, rape, desertion, and financial chicanery were not valid means for a woman to file for divorce. This was cause for some major changes.

What Causes Divorce?

There are many reasons a couple may wish to file for divorce. The end of a relationship can be due to anything, from outrageous bouts of anger to simply drifting apart. Various sources have come up with a few popular reasons. Unsurprisingly, infidelity is number one on that list. It is nearly impossible to not hear about this issue nowadays. Second, is a lack of communication. Many couples agree to be together because they enjoy the feelings that the other person gives them, but they are not always open about these feelings. This is especially true when it comes to the negative emotions. Financial troubles are next on the list. Married couples typically share almost everything: house, car, bills. So, if one partner seems to be over-spending or not making a high enough salary, this can cause arguments which strains the relationship. The final issue on the list is sparing intimacy. There are many couples, especially those who have been married for numerous years, who complain about a lack of intimacy. It is human nature to want to feel love and affection. So, in a relationship, if there seems to be a drop in the amount of affection given or received, this can come across as a lack of love for one another. Many of these issues lead to arguing, which is what eventually turns into divorce, but what if arguing is the issue?

There are many cases where petty arguments cross the line and become fights. If these fights occur too often, it could be perceived as a form of abuse. Many people don't want to admit or cannot see that they are in an abusive situation. So, what qualifies as abuse? Abuse can range from verbal, emotional, and physical. Verbal abuse could be belittling or degrading your partner or calling them offensive names. Emotional abuse is manipulating your partner's emotions in order to control them. This can be done subtly and go unnoticed. Physical abuse is the form of abuse which usually comes to mind, which involves hitting or shoving.

Should You Get A Divorce?

The question may come up: Should you really get a divorce? Do you think your problems are unsolvable? No one wants to make a big life decision that they will regret, and divorce is a big life decision. So, how do you know you should get a divorce?

Some signs that you should get a divorce include:

• You would rather be alone—Time with your partner is intolerable, and you would much rather live on your own.
• Can't stand your spouse's touch—Do you feel disgusted or put-off by the touch of your spouse? Can you no longer kiss or become intimate with your spouse?
• You cheated—several times—Now this can go both ways. If you or your spouse has cheated on numerous occasions, then it may be time for a divorce.
• Don't see future with your spouse—You just can't seem to get that image of growing old together, happily at least?
• You have too much resentment—This is often due to issues in the past. If you cannot seem to forgive your spouse, and you are constantly angry or agitated by your spouse, then it isn't meant to be.
• Marriage counseling hasn't helped—When you mention you want a divorce, the first thing you may hear is "Marriage Counseling." But what if you've already tried that?
• You got married to fix your problems—A marriage will not solve anything. You cannot marry someone and expect it to last unless you love and are devoted to your spouse.

How Does Divorce Affect the Children?

You may not know this, but children are observant. A child requires a safe, caring and loving environment. A household full of arguing and/or constant change is not healthy for a child. So, how exactly does divorce affect children?

The first year after a divorce, children will likely experience distressing emotions, such as anger, anxiety, and disbelief. Many kids happen to bounce back to their normal mood, but some children will have long-lasting issues. Children of divorce are more likely to take risks. They may engage in illegal substance use or early sexual activity. VeryWellFamily stated, "Adolescents whose parents divorced when they were five years old or younger were at particularly high risk for becoming sexually active prior to the age of 16, according to a study published in 2010." Some other ways children are affected by divorce include behavior problems, such as delinquency and impulsive behavior. Divorce can also affect a child's academic performance, especially if the divorce was unexpected. Depression and anxiety are also higher in children of divorce parents.

How does this affect children in the long run? These issues can, in fact, extend into adulthood. Children of divorce often experience relationship difficulty in their adult life and have a higher chance of getting divorced themselves.

How Can You Reduce the Psychological Toll on Children?

No loving parent wants to cause their children harm, yet children are still being hurt during a divorce. How can this be avoided?

• Co-parent peacefully—Don't let your marital issues ruin your relationships with your children.
• Don't put kids in the middle—Children should never have to pick a side, and never use the phrase "Don't you see what your mother/father puts us through?"
• Maintain healthy relationship with child—Allow yourself some time to play with your child and take them out for some quality time.
• Use consistent discipline—Don't stop reprimanding your child just because it is a difficult period in their life, this will give them the impression that they can get away with misbehaving. Do not increase discipline during this process either; you should never let out your emotions on a child.
• Monitor adolescents closely—Teenagers are more likely to go through a phase of rebellion. They may retreat to their rooms more often, and these subtle changes can go unseen. Your adolescent could be spiraling down the deep end and you may not notice.
• Empower your child—Children may feel like it is their fault. As a parent, you should boost their confidence and make them feel their best.
• Teach coping skills—Encourage children to express their feelings.
• Help child feel safe and secure—Reassure, reassure, reassure!
• Attend a parent education program—You may feel that you don't need help, but everyone can use some assistance every now and then.
• Seek professional help for yourself—Speak with a counselor or therapist, even attend a support group. Children look up to their parents as role models, and the last thing they need to see is their hero defeated.

(How) Does Mental Illness Play a Part in Divorce?

How will mental health issues affect divorce orders? If your spouse is diagnosed with a mental illness, this may influence support and custody issues. The court will not want to give custody to a parent who is possibly unsafe, and, in extreme cases, that parent may lose their rights. Mental illness may also affect someone's ability to support themselves or their family.

"Depending on the seriousness of your spouse's mental illness, you may find yourself responsible for long-term financial support."

-Lawyers.com

The Gender Debate

During a divorce, both parties may suffer to some degree, but does gender affect how someone may respond to divorce? Both men and women may experience depression, anger, jealousy, and anxiety, but some studies have shown that divorce has a higher toll on men. Studies show that men are prone to a deeper depression, and therefore are more likely to abuse substances after divorce. Men are also at a greater risk for physical health problems, such as heart attacks. The suicide risk of an unmarried man is 39% higher than that of a married man. The Journal of Men's Health provides us with all this information, as well as the fact that newly divorced men take certain actions that may put them at risk. These actions may include working too much, having casual sexual encounters, and avoiding their new home.

On the flip side, women also suffer through a divorce. Women experience more financial distress post-divorce. They are likely to have custody of any children and taking care of children will put more stress on their wallets. There are many people who don't believe that women suffer the same way that men do. An American Sociological Association study found, "... Women seem to have a predominant role in initiating divorces as far back as... the 1940s." This fact that women are more likely to initiate divorce gives some people the idea that they must not suffer as much as men do.

More Common Than You Think

About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the US divorce.

-"Marriage and Divorce," American Psychological Association

You never have to feel alone if you are going through a divorce. Divorce is more common than you think. According to the previous quote, the US has a high divorce rate, and it is the sixth highest divorce rate in the world. There are about 277 divorces per hour in the US, and 15% of women report that they are either divorced or separated.

Divorce isn't just something that is common among common people. Even the biggest of idols go through some rough break-ups. You may have even heard about these stars' fallouts on the news:

• Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey—They were in a relationship for a mere two months in 2008. They had married immediately and raised twins but split up in 2014.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes—These stars married in 2006 and divorced in 2012. Katie stated that she was not a fan of Tom's involvement in Scientology and wanted to protect their daughter Suri from the influences of the church.
• Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian—They were an on-and-off relationship over the years, but they officially tied the knot in 2009. They had three children together, but something just wasn't keeping up with this reality TV couple. Scott had addiction issues which led to their divorce in 2015.
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie—We've all heard of this couple. They started dating in 2005 and married in 2014. They adopted several children but divorced in 2017.

But, Should You Really Get a Divorce?

Every opinion has an opposing viewpoint. You may think you should get a divorce, but is it really the best thing for your relationship? Divorce can lead to ongoing psychological and behavior issues in children. It can also lead to a loss of confidence (I.e. feelings of "failing" at marriage), loss of identity from a change in a familiar role, and loss of friends. There are other reasons why divorce may not be a great idea, such as financial tangles and the hell that is custody battles.

Some people don't agree with divorce and that is fine, to each their own. But there are also people who may be getting a divorce, when they really don't need to. Maybe your relationship needs work. What are some reasons for divorce that you may want to second-guess?

• Your spouse no longer makes you happy. It is not anyone's job to "make" you happy, find out why you aren't happy.
• Boredom. This is a reason to kick things up a notch in your life, not get a divorce. Discuss this with your spouse.
• You've grown apart. This is often because you need to find more time for each other, even if it means adjusting your lifestyle.

As you can see, if the problem can be fixed, then divorced may not be the best option. You may need to have a conversation with your spouse, adjust your lifestyle, rekindle the flame. Some things are worth saving.

How Can You Get Help?

If you are going through a divorce or contemplating getting a divorce, you may be experiencing some conflicting emotions. You could always find your local mental health facilities to talk with a therapist or counselor.

Speaking with a professional isn't for everybody, but there are still ways to overcome this. There is something called coping skills, which are things we do to deal with stress. Here are some that may help someone deal with divorce:

• Recognize that it's OK to have different feelings.
• Give yourself a break.
• Don't go through it alone.
• Take care of yourself emotionally and physically.
• Avoid power struggles/arguments with your former spouse.
• Take time to explore your interests.
• Think positively.

Divorce may be more difficult when you have children with your former spouse. Children often may be in distress or find it confusing as to why their parents no longer get along. Some children may not even know what divorce is. A few tips you can use for talking with your kids are to reassure and listen, maintain stability and routines, offer consistent discipline, let your children know they can rely on you, and don't involve your children in the conflict.

Overview

When it comes down to it, divorce is a common occurrence, no matter where in the world you are. It is a difficult and distressing period for everyone involved. It doesn't only affect the separating couple, but also any children they have. There are many factors that play into how someone will respond to a divorce, and mental health is one of those factors. Divorce also has psychological effects on anyone involved and may cause stress, grief, and/or anxiety.