Divine Intervention

The two men strolled along the idyllic beach side by side, in an amicable silence. Gentle waves would occasionally reach their feet before retreating across the fine white sand. They were completely alone. No children frolicking in the crystal-clear waters, no couples lying in the shade of the palm trees which lined the beach. The sun sent down a warm but pleasant heat, not a cloud in the sky or the murmur of a breeze.

At first glance, the two men could be taken for brothers. Both were tall, well over 6 feet, and both had athletic, muscular builds. There was also an undeniable resemblance between the two facially. The most noticeable difference between them was their colouring. The man on the left had dark, olive, swarthy skin, and long black hair. His companion however was the complete opposite, pale skinned, with short, curly blond hair.

After wandering a few more kilometres up the beach the pair stopped in unison and turned to face each other. The darker of the two spoke first, his voice deep and rolling with a hint of an unidentifiable accent.

“I have to say brother, I was more than a little surprised to see you here.” As he spoke, the man never broke eye contact, his piercing dark eyes almost seemed to flicker with some underlying energy.

The other man considered for a while before replying, his voice light and melodic, but filled with true authority.

“It was not the easiest thing for me to do considering our somewhat turbulent history as you can probably appreciate.” The other man snorted and gave a slight nod. “But Things have become untenable, and as loathe as I am to admit it, we need your help.”

The other man turned and began walking again, without responding, taking up the same leisurely pace as before.

“So, you planned this ‘chance’ meeting? You know Gabriel, when I first began questioning God’s rule, you were very vocally on his side. In fact, if memory serves, you were at the head of the ‘Cast him out of Heaven’ Brigade. You were all so blinded by his alleged omnipotence, he could do no wrong in your eyes.”

Scurrying a little to catch up, Gabriel soon matched stride with his brother and, a little abashed, responded.

“To be fair Lucifer, you did start an uprising against our creator, which on the surface did not look great. And he is the all-powerful and omnipotent God.”

Without turning his head Lucifer replied,

“Yes, and with great power comes great responsibility.”

Gabriel stopped and stared at Lucifer.

“Did you just quote Spider-Man to me with reference to the almighty?” He sounded almost incredulous.

The faintest smile played across Lucifers lips as he replied.

“Well, yes, yes, I suppose I did. But it does not make it any the less relevant. I still have my contacts up there and I know things are getting out of control.” He stopped for a moment, and as if noticing his surroundings for the first time, asked,

“Where exactly are we?” He sniffed the air, “I would have said Earth, but it smells too good. And I would not have thought there was much chance of us happening to bump into each other on some Pacific Island.”

“No, Not Earth, we are on a planet in a galaxy far, far away…”

“And I assume, a long, long time ago?” Lucifer completed, “Star Wars I believe. Who’s quoting pop culture now?” They continued for a while in silence. Then Lucifer spoke

“You know, if the angels had all listened to me in the first place, the universe, and particularly the Earth, would be in a much better place now. And some of the things that were said about me were quite hurtful. I warned you that God was not perfect and all that omnipotence would corrupt him. The humans have a saying you know. ‘Power Corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’”

Gabriel pondered this for a second. “Yes, but that is because the humans are imperfect.”

“’And so, God created man in his own image.’ Sorry I’m paraphrasing a bit here. As you can imagine it’s not a book I have read often. But he claims to be omnipotent so why build in these imperfections to his creations. Or perhaps he didn’t, perhaps they are... evolving?”

Gabriel looked shocked. “I know,” Lucifer+ continued, “a taboo subject in heaven, but one with more than a little merit, which rather skews the picture.” And further more, if man was made in God’s image, could it be that he himself is evolving?”

Gabriel let out an audible gasp. “I am just playing devil’s advocate here, actually, just the devil I guess.”

Lucifer let slip a chuckle. “Now, let’s get down to the reason we’re here. Is God planning another apocalypse?”

Gabriel at first looked surprised, and then resigned. “We think so, in fact we’re pretty sure. He’s been striding round the halls muttering about global super powers, nuclear war, and something called a Trump. Sodom and Gomorrah risen once more etc. etc.” Gabriel looked around surreptitiously, as if checking for spies. “I have gathered a large contingent of heavenly beings who are of the same opinion as myself. The main notable exception is…” Lucifer interrupted, and with a sigh said “Michael. Gods hitman. He always was a brownnoser”

“Yes, Michael.” Gabriel confirmed. He continued. “Most of the other Archies are with us, Sariel being the only exception. Lucifer raised an eyebrow and said “Archies?” Gabriel reddened a little, and replied, just shorthand for archangels.” “I Like it.” Was Lucifers simple response.

Gabriel continued, “Once we had most of the Archies onboard, we were underway. The hardest part was convincing them to let me approach you to join us, what with your reputation and all.

Lucifer turned to Gabriel, a look of anger changed his face and green electricity crackled at the corners of his eyes. “That reputation is not deserved.” He responded tersely. He visibly calmed himself and continued. “Let’s play a little game Gabe. How many people have I killed, best guess.”

Gabriel looked uncomfortable, and finally replied, “Well, it must be millions surely, 17 million?”

Lucifer smiled. It wasn’t a smile Gabriel enjoyed seeing. “According to your beloved bible, and for arguments sake let’s take the Old Testament, as that is mostly true. I am responsible for the death of 10 people. Jobs 10 Children, which was part of a wager with God, so he should technically pick up half of those.”

“B-b-but what about all those in hell?” Gabriel stammered.

“They are just the souls of people I collected; I killed not one of them. And as you know, where the soul ends up after death is not decided by me, they are just sent down after judgement.”

“I had never even thought of it that way, but technically you are not responsible for their deaths, just their eternal torment.” Gabriel spoke slowly coming to terms with this revelation. “An eternal torment sentenced to them by God.” Lucifer remained silent for a time, allowing his brother to assimilate this information.

“Now,” Lucifer said somewhat cheerily. “Let’s examine Gods Track record shall we.”

“There have been dozens of incidents, but let’s look at some of the most atrocious.

Numbers 7, the Midianite Massacre, over 90,000 killed

Judges 7, God forces Midianite soldiers to kill each other. 120,000

2 Chronicles 12, The Lord smote the Ethiopians Approx. 1,000,000

Then there’s the big three, Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, killing of the first-born Egyptians and his pièce de resistance, The Great Flood. Those three alone around 30 million killed.”

Gabriel slumped to the floor cross legged. “When you hear it spelt out like that… why has no-one questioned it?”

“Well, there were some, and look what happened to us. Mind you, Hell’s not so bad. We’ve become a lot more lenient in recent times, Barbeques, field trips, creative expression classes.”

Gabriel listed with interest, forefingers steepled to his lips, eyes down. Finally, he raised his head and spoke.

“I think, what we need is an intervention. If we confront him with all these facts in one big hit, hopefully he will realise the error of his ways.”

“I think that is a quite naïve idea, however, it may just work, if done the right way.” Lucifer replied. The one big player you haven’t mentioned in all this is the boy. Where does Jesus fit into this?”

“Jesus has become disillusioned and somewhat of a hermit over the past few centuries. If we can find him, he might be on board with some persuasion.” Gabriel said.

Lucifer laughed. “I know exactly where to find him. Hermits live in caves. Sulking children hide in their rooms. There’s a certain cave near Golgotha which I think might be worth a visit.”

“You do realise that the church of the Holy Sepulchre is now built around the cave and teeming with thousands of humans.” Gabriel said doubtfully

“My dear Gabe, the church of the Holy Sepulchre is built around a cave. Fortunately for us, they got the wrong one. Quickest way is via the underworld, just grab the sleeve of my shirt and I promise not to let any of my demons take a bite out of you.” Before Gabe could respond, there was a whirlwind of sand and the two were gone.

Minutes later they reappeared on a hill side, back on earth, in a similar fashion, dust and weed replacing the sand.

“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Lucifer asked. Surprisingly, Gabriel had to agree. Hell was no where near the sort of place he had imagined.

He looked around and wandered from one side of the hill to the other.

“Where’s this cave then, all I can see is this enormous rock.”

Lucifer sighed. “They really have let the bible classes slip up there haven’t they. Get round here and help me give this rock a heave.” Gabriel did as instructed, and the stone rolled easily to one side.

It was pitch black in the cave, Gabriel peered in and said, “Hello, anyone home?”

“Fuck off.” Came the somewhat unexpected reply. “Jesus, is that you.” Gabriel asked, shuffling a little further into the cave.

Form behind him, Lucifer muttered, “Oh for hells sake.” With that he snapped his fingers and a bright light filled the cave. Gabriel looked around with surprise. Lucifer just shrugged and said, “Don’t forget, in my day I was Lucifer the light bringer.”

“Lucifer?” The pile of rags in the corner of the cave rose and pulled back a heavy black hood, revealing the face of Jesus, complete with halo.

“Still got the halo then.” Lucifer remarked. Jesus smiled, “Turns out it’s a bit of a bugger to get rid of once bestowed on you. Makes going out a nightmare.” The two grinned at each other then joined in a full embrace. Gabriel looked on in complete bewilderment. Noticing his confusion, Lucifer explained. “Jesus and I have stayed in touch, on and off since we first met. After all, we did have something in common, both sent down to earth by God against our will.”

“Well, yes, I suppose if you put it like that it sort of makes sense. But time is our enemy here and we must explain our reason for tracking you down and…” Before he could finish, Jesus interjected. “It’s dad again, isn’t it? Cooking up another Armageddon? Or is it another flood this time.”

“I thought,” Gabriel offered, “Some sort of intervention might work, confront him with all his past wrong doings. Most of the heavenly creatures are onside. Only Sariel and Michael…” “Shit,” Jesus interjected, “It had to be Michael, but we can work round that.”

“Well, let’s strike while the iron’s hot!” Cried Lucifer, slapping his hands together almost gleefully. “Gabe, you’re our inside man. What’s the best way to get into heaven?”

“I Know the best way,” Jesus interrupted “Just hold my hand and in a nanosecond…”

Before the had finished speaking the unlikely trio found themselves in an enormous room, decorated with silk hangings, cushions and loungers scattered around.

“Welcome to my crib guys. Sorry about the mess, haven’t been here in a decade and the maids don’t come anymore.” After a few minutes of taking in the opulence, Lucifer raised a concern.

“This is all great and everything, but isn’t there some chance someone may have detected the king of hell entering heaven and be on their way with swords of blazing soulfire?”

“Lucy, this place is my domain, I have complete control over its access and barriers to the rest of…”

Just then there was a loud banging at the door.

“Jesus, have you got Satan in there with you? You know the rules.” All three in the room looked at one another and said, “Michael!”

The door burst open in a rain of splinters and the Archangel Michael strode into the room, standing nine feet tall with eyes of fire. He was an awesome sight.

“Oh, hi Mikey Just got a couple of friends over to play Call of Duty on the PlayStation. Want join?”

The angel said nothing. He turned his head to Lucifer and said,

“Brother, in truth I have missed you by my side, you were the greatest of all the angels. And as Much as it pains me to admit, Gabriel is right. We do need your help.” A collective sigh of relief escaped the three. “Things have worsened since you departed Gabriel, so what is your plan?”

“An intervention, eh?” Michael pondered. “It might work, but timing would be crucial. I will round up all I can in the grand hall and we can run a slide show of all the past digressions and convince him this is not the way to go. We’ll use the jumbo vision for better coverage. Lucifer turned to Gabriel and mouthed ‘Jumbovision!!?’ Gabriel just shrugged. And they all headed for the door. “We need to hurry, it will be time for Christmas Midnight Mass soon, and with all that prayer he’ll be at his most powerful.”

So, merely forty minutes later, a throng of Angels and celestial beings filled the grand hall, as God entered from his private apartment. As soon as he appeared, the four-sided Jumbovision screens suspended above them flickered into life. God Looked up in surprise, and as his face appeared on the screen, a smile broke on his face.

“Aw, you guys. Is this some kind of “This is Your Life” retrospective sort of thing?”

Then the images started flashing up on the screen. Thousands of bloated bodies floating in the great flood, thousands of dead children from the pass over massacre Sodom and Gomorrah burning as bodies fell to earth. The parade of atrocities continued to pass across the screen.

All the time God was muttering under his breath, “but it had to be done…there were so many sinners…fornicators, sodomites.” As this continued, Lucifer leant across to Jesus and whispered in his ear. Jesus’ face lit up and he nodded. With this, he slipped away through the crowd, Heading toward his father. As the images drew to a close, Jesus was positioned behind God. Then, as the bells began to ring for the incoming prayers, Jesus snatched the halo from above his head and pressed it down onto his fathers. A brilliant white light flashed through the room, a complete white out lasting minutes rather than seconds.

Once the assembled crowd had regained their senses, Michaels booming voice came from the back. “What the holy fuck was that!?”

“A reset.” Replied Jesus simply. It was Lucifer’s idea, returning the halo of the holy spirit caused a feedback and everything has been reset. We can start again.”

“What do you mean, start again?” Gabriel asked.

‘We are back at point zero. There is nothing. No earth, space nothing. This is day one, were got 6 more to go, so roll your sleeves up and get working. And for fucks sake let’s get it right this time.” With that said Jesus turned, kissed his father on the forehead and walked out the room.