"Did I do the right thing?"

Did I do the right thing?

It has been a year now, how time flies, it feels like only yesterday.

I wake up feeling sad, lost and some days even not sure why I’m getting up. The winter cold making the days even drearier. The feeling of belonging all gone.

“Did I do the right thing?”

Looking back I remember all the family gatherings, dress ups, parties and celebrations.

Sitting around talking about everything and anything, feeling happy relaxed and loved.

Having that someone to lean on when times were rough, or when in need of a shoulder to cry on.

Being able to rant and be heard without all the judgement.

“Did I make the right choice?”

I find myself hiding away, withdrawing from life socially and even at home.

My confidence slowly slipping away.

Tears building up again…

“I must hide them, suck it up I am fine, no one needs to see me like this”

Frustration slowly taking over, making me agitated and angry, slight irritations setting me off.

I’m a ticking time bomb!

“Did I do the right thing?”

It all began with a thought, which in turn grew into a wish.

Passion and drive everyday pushing and pushing to make a dream come true and to better our lives.

Hoping and praying that our time will finally come.

To get away from the crime, and horror stories of killings, robberies, abuse and feeling of being at risk each time we would leave the house.

And then…

It finally happened, we received an email that would change our lives forever.

It happened so fast, decisions had to be made, and we had to look at our lives and decide on what road to take.

I remember the excitement as the news rushed through me, I couldn’t contain myself I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t sit still.

It had finally happened, we were about to change our lives forever and it was an amazing feeling.

Over and over I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Back to the now, I sit here wondering to myself.

“Did I do the right thing?”

I miss the people I hold dear to my heart, I miss the social contact, the laughter and tears.

I miss seeing them day in and day out.

I miss that short drive to visit at the spur of the moment.

I miss knowing that I can be with them through the good and the bad and hold them close through our experiences.

I miss my family so much.

“Did I make the right decision?”

I am writing this as I am feeling so many emotions and I need to come forward and confess these feelings in order to release myself from this deep dark hole that I have burrowed myself into.

To release me from the thoughts and ideas that are holding me back from my life.

We moved 16000km’s away from our entire family and all our friends in order to give our three children a better future, a better lifestyle and a chance of making something of themselves one day.

We moved to experience life without the fear of being hijacked at a stop street, killed in an armed robbery.

We moved to give our kids an education without the fear of them being stabbed in school or kidnapped to be sold off.

Did we do the right thing?

I have to confess….

“Yes we did”

We made one of the hardest decisions in our lives and we made the right choice.

We miss everyone very much and our love for them is still huge in our hearts and always will be.

Watching how our kids have been able to grow these past few months into independent little beings, social butterflies and exploring a whole new lifestyle has been so heart-warming.

But wait, I still have one more confession.

Leaving my eldest daughter behind has left me feeling like a terrible mother. Something I am trying to deal with every day. The fear that something may happen to her.

As I tear up thinking about how she will be having kids of her own and I won’t be there to watch them grow. I won’t see her evolving into the beautiful woman, wife and mother that I know she will be.

I feel like a terrible mother…