Diary of a Single Mom

It's hard to find "the one". You think you found him (or her) until you realize they just played a really good game. I guess it was partially my fault. I rushed into a new relationship after the last one failed. And when I say failed, I mean royally F'd up. So when this cute guy came into my life spouting all the right things, of course I had to. Right? It's a classic "if I had known then what I know now" situation. However, I like to remind myself, if I had never fallen for his facade I would never have met my true loves.

A little background about me and where this story starts. I hail from the San Fransisco Bay Area. It's very difficult to afford a living in the Bay and so what is a 20 something that works four jobs supposed to do? Party and enjoy life. I was couch hopping and serial dating. But I wanted more. So when I fell for a guy that offered a way out I loaded up my little beater, took the $400 I had to my name and he and I hit the road. I didn't anticipate that his behavior would change when we got to his home state. But boy it sure did. Our relationship ended when he was arrested for domestic violence.

At this point, I was a mess. I had an apartment and a full-time job but I was almost 700 miles from all the people I loved. I had already made a couple of friends but I sure did miss home. And I was definitely not used to living alone. The amount of drinking was outstanding and the fear and depression were ridiculous.

After about 2-3 months of drowning all of my feelings, I met someone with who I honestly thought I could share my life. We quickly found out we were pregnant and so very excited. I quickly filled my role of caretaker. As it turns out I have an affinity for being a mother and he had no problems with me taking care of everything. Appointments, finances, plans, and get-togethers. You name it, I did it.

After my caesarean I was down and out for more than 12 weeks. He was amazing! He helped with our new baby and chores and even began picking up extra hours so that we could pay the bills while I was out of work. He was outstanding! And about two months after our baby was born, I said "Yes!".

Moving through the first year was rough. But we were getting through it. But no one had ever warned me about the in-law issue. "Are you sure the baby is his?" "How come you aren't doing more for my son?" When your fiance gets a new vibrator to use in bed from his mother, things get a little weird. She knew everything from our finances to our bedroom. And every time she visited us or we visited her, the anxiety became more and more unbearable because she always had something new to say. Not to mention, everyone else would know too.

As we moved through our first year together, I felt more and more trapped by the family vendetta. It was a very disturbing hive mind where everyone hyped each other up and there was always a target for talk. I started finding out more about this new family I had birthed a child into and needless to say I was always attached to my child.

Around February 2020, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I hid the test inside of his smokebox because it was the only consistent place he ever looked. As soon as he saw the test he was upset. I still hear the words ringing in my ears. "You're f***ing kidding me.", he said with a blank, emotionless face. He did not talk to me for three days. Soon after, the fighting became more frequent.

Our arguments had always been about sex. He would count the days and weeks. "It'll be a week on Monday since we last had sex." "When are you going to find counseling?" "I'm so frustrated. It's to the point that if a girl were to offer me a blow job I would be tempted to take it." The night we conceived our second, he got upset that we didn't have enough sex even after having sex. And of all times to argue, it was while my mom and brother had come to visit, sleeping in the room across the hall.

Soon after finding out about our second baby, COVID took a major turn for the worst. I was working in the fast-food industry and already having a rough time with my employees and my manager. When I had mentioned my pregnancy, my manager asked "What kind of pregnant woman are you? And what store will you be transferring to?" At that point, I decided to find a new job. Come March, I started my new job. On my first day I worked for about 6 hours and was laid off because of new COVID restrictions.

Fast forward to August, I was still unemployed. Trying to make money from home with no luck. Finding a job while pregnant is absolutely impossible despite any non-descrimination laws. He had been permanently laid off and had been neglecting to find a new job until he realized what I had been telling him all along. We were broke. No money coming in and no more help insight. He finally found new employment. But the tension between us was more than ever.

After so many intense arguments, we finally came to an agreement that we would not work out. I had thought that we had come to terms and that we would be able to peacefully co-parent. I was wrong. Everything that came out of his mouth was spiteful and mean undercover of the excuse that it was a "joke".

One night, I was checking my emails and my school work and I heard a picture being taken behind me. He was taking selfies. He never did that. When I asked him what he was doing he said "None of your business." Ok. You're right. It's not my business anymore. So I went about my business. As I continued checking my email, I saw something a little fishy from POF. I realized his email and mine were both coming up and that there were several emails to him from POF.

For those of you who are not familiar, POF is a dating site. One that I would not recommend for happily ever after. And as I scrolled through the emails specific to POF, I found that he had been active and keeping his options open since April. Two months after we had found out we were pregnant with our second child. Regardless of the relationship status, I was highly upset. He had not been involved in any aspect of the pregnancy at all. Now, one could only assume he was too busy talking to other options. All the while telling me he loved me and sharing a bed with me still. That's when I began to realize who I had been dating. But I'll save that for the next read.