It’s one of those nights to where my mind drifts and I ponder about life. Lately, I’ve been on my best journey yet to self-discovery. For the longest time, I have wanted that teenage girl I used to be so innocent, untouched, carefree and always cautious. Now that I’m much older I want something I haven’t had yet. To love who I am for all my flaws and imperfections and to care less who loves me or will be by my side. Those that are the truest will never stray, any amount of time or distance they will never part from us.
I am healing on the inside mending my broken heart with a thread and needle sewing it back ever so carefully making sure the thread is snug and tight. This journey I am on would have allowed me to help you with your broken heart. Like a big sister should coach and mentor the younger siblings and I’m at my best place to help you. To guide you to love yourself and push the men to the side. When the right one comes, he will respect us, respect our boundaries, pridefully take all our baggage, he will want us to only grow in learning and in love, to never change who we are but mostly to hold us and say the storm has passed your safe now.
There are only so many words to express what I am feeling or what I am thinking but nothing can fully describe what it’s like of you not being here. I never dreamed I would sink to the bottom and find so much darkness that would just feed off me. I never dreamed I would be writing helping people or that 2018 would change me more than the flood, the hurricane, the house fire, the assaults or loving someone and it not be reciprocated. Sister, I have learned so much that I want to share with you. For the longest time, I would cry myself to sleep thinking about you trying to make sense of it all. My heart and brain won’t agree about you and its only kicked the dirt on the wound that much more. The wounds are still fresh, and nothing will fix that only time will make it numb.
I am at such a crossroads of whether I should grieve for you or to celebrate you. It is because of your life that has brought so much joy that it seems wrong to weep for you. The tears that flow down my cheeks are because of a pain the void that you left. You don’t answer my texts, my calls, or read my messages. That is where the heart and brain won’t agree. As a woman, I have so many things that contribute to who I am and the kind of woman I have become. You’re a piece of that. I am of flesh and bones with a heart that beats a mind that thinks lungs that help me breathe and blood that courses through my veins. That makes me human that makes me susceptible to pain to joy heartbreak laughter and love. My beating heart that doesn’t beat the same without you says its only human to mourn for a love that is rare and no matter how hard you search for it that same love can’t be found.
The holidays are nearing, and it replays over in my head how mom just wanted us all together at the table for a meal to be thankful for each other and the time we have. I foolishly thought I had time and that moms one small request that was too big for us could be fulfilled. Sister, you showed us that time doesn’t wait and only fools miss out. We missed out on more than we could have bargained for. I believe it has been twelve or thirteen years since mom had us all at the table and now that request can never be made all because you took your last breath when we least expected it. I try and stress how important family is and that we shouldn’t miss out, but I couldn’t be the glue to put us all back together. Each of us has a choice about our decisions in life. I’ve learned from all of this is that if someone is keeping you from making the trip or isn’t encouraging of decisions that are important to you then why do they deserve your time? It is your life and your time, not theirs so if they can’t be supportive of the things and people that matter to you then they don’t deserve you. We only have one life and at any given moment we could take our last breath.
Sister, I miss you terribly and even in death your teaching your big sister what matters most. I love you more than I could ever describe. I don’t wish for more time with you because that would delay your leaving and make it much harder. If I could I would spend your last day with you and make it the best last day and tell you how much I love you.
Love, big sister.