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Dear heart

by Emrae 2 years ago in grief
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What did this year bring you?

Breathe. Take it all in.

Dear heart

Be honest with yourself. As this year comes to an end. The tragedies it brought with it will now cease. The turmoil you felt when your heart broke. On more than a dozen occasions this year. The last few months alone. The promise you made to yourself of never letting anyone come close to this cage around you. Yet it was worth jeopardising your whole principle?

The least you can justify it all with is that at least you felt what you needed at that time. You helped force yourself to remember what stopped you from sharing before. Now you know why you must continue to guard yourself. That is one good deed to come out of this tragedy.

When your second mother passed, your blood ran cold. It froze as did your breath. Your heartbeat slowed down as you witnessed your beloved aunt lay there with her last pose left you with the never-ending torture of her passing not being avenged.

What promise did you make yourself now? Did you get yourself into trouble again? Do not have hope here as you will only disappoint yourself my love.

All these thoughts rushing through your brain. Never knowing when you’ll break down. The moment you received the catastrophic news of her passing, what did you do? You dropped the plate off your hands as you ran out of the room in tears trying to comprehend what was being said through the telephone.

Do you remember when you last spoke to her, saw her, held her? Do not break yourself up now. Think back. try. TRY HARDER! But nothing. Nothing went through your brain. It all stopped. You froze. Your heart raced as you thought back to what your sister said. Perhaps she was misinformed? Perhaps it was a narrow escape and she’s fine. She’s alive. She’s alive. Nothing happened to her. She’s too strong willed to go like that.

The heartbreak as you rushed into your front door, mum repeats what you have just heard. Father is out there in the garden. Crying, breathing frantically, smoke after smoke after smoke. Two packets almost done. He comes in and breaks down seeing you. He sits down and cries as he thinks back. His sister. His little sister is gone. She raised you. He saw her in you. He often mistook your name for hers.

You sit down. Trying to process what has happened. It was not real. It could not be. There is no confirmation. Nothing concrete to tell you it has happened.

The phone rings, your uncle walks in. as your dad answers the phone, you look ahead. “She’s gone…we have the death certificate. She is no more.” Your uncle breaks down. Your dad loses his thoughts. Your mother in tears.

Your older brother. As much as you explain it to him, he is lost. He needs more attention. He cannot comprehend what has happened. What he has lost. He does not understand why he can’t talk to his beloved heart again. You take over his care. You explain to him what has happened and why he needs to remain calm and peaceful and weary of dad and uncles’ reactions right now. He understands for a second.

You then go upstairs and look at yourself in the mirror. You can’t see anything. Your mind is blank. You have lost your train of thought. What do you need to do for work? You must call a parent. Why is this all in your mind now? You scream at yourself. You look back and see the red eyes, the tear-stricken face. the hair all messy and unkept.

You fall to the ground. You sit there thinking back. trying so hard to remember what your last conversation was. did you argue? Did you laugh? What was her last wish for you? You sit there thinking, lost. ‘scream’ is heard where was it from? Who screamed? What happened downstairs? The silence falls on your ears. Your sister comes in to check on you and asked what happened. It was you who screamed. You cannot hear your own thoughts. All but the sound of a pin falling. You cannot hear what she is saying. You look up at her and see her worried face full of tears and questions and worried lines. You sit there together just in silence. How will you get over this?

How can you move on from this? It will never be the same. This is the first time you let me bleed since you closed all those years ago. Even when we felt a tremble a few months ago. You still did not let us break. The cage you built around us was fragile but strong enough to keep the broken in and the curious out, but what is this? A new form of torture? A new form of anxiety now here to leave our wounds on show? How can you breathe if you are not yet out in the air?

It’s been a weeklong now since it happened. You still do not see us healing to how we were. Then again were we truly ever healed? You kept us in this cage for far too long, it is somewhat hard to remember what it was like being free before all the innocence was taken and the patience disturbed.

Have you learnt a new lesson? Have you made yourself yet another promise? Will you still hold out for hope that you will no longer be hurt by others? You hurt us already. Do not make that mistake again.

Protect us now. With all that you have. Muster up the courage to let the negative go. They will not be there for you when you need them most. You have seen that this year, this week alone.

So, move forward with yourself and your plans in mind. Do not wait for others to support you. Support yourself. Build yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.

“Dear brave heart, are you going to be alright?” “If you finally hear our warning and keep us safe forsaking all else, then we will be the definition of forever on the mend, yet we will never be truly whole.”

Do not waste your time on what does not deserve you. Something better will come, and if it does not? Then make your own dreams become reality.

Breathe dear heart. All will make sense one day.

- —wishbones

grief

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Emrae

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