Dealing With Divorce

I was 11/12 when my parents divorced, and to say I was blindsided is an understatement.

Like every child, I thought my parents were going to be together forever; the perfect family. Looking back now, as an adult, I can see the small indications that something was wrong. No affection, Dad working late nights, the small arguments etc., etc, But as a child, I didn't pay much attention. Why would I?

However, when my mum received flowers that were not from my dad, my siblings and I knew something was seriously wrong; alas, the idea of my perfect family came crumbling down.

So, you, your partner or both have decided to separate. Now, how do you tell the kids?

If one or both of you have started seeing someone else, I urge you not to mention it to the children, even if that is the reason for your separation, because I can guarantee that your children will forever blame your new spouse for their parents splitting up.

Explain the next steps.

If you're right at the start of divorce proceedings or somewhat in the middle, explain to your children what is going to happen. They don't need to be involved into the nitty gritty parts, but a general overview will help them process. Below are a few questions that I had, and I am sure your kids will too. Again, don't go into too much detail and try to avoid appointing blame.

• Are we moving? or Is dad/mum moving out?
• Why are you getting divorced? (This depends on the age of the children. Older children will see through the generic "we're better of friends," so be honest but not spiteful.)
• Did we/I do something wrong? (Every kid will ask this. Whatever you say, they will still think it's their fault, but talk to them.)
• Will we still see mum/dad? (If one of you is moving out of the family home, reassure them that they will still see both of you.)
• Who will we live with? (If you haven't decided who the children will live with, then ask them where they would like to live. Be mindful though, your children may assume that whoever they pick is who they will be living with.)

They are so many more that they may ask, but they depend on each family's circumstances.

Don't sign documents in front of the kids, don't talk about the divorce too much, but be aware your children may want to discuss it with you.

When all is said and done, divorce hurts everyone involved. Each person reacts differently, so be prepared for a wide array of emotions.

Love your children, help them process the divorce, and respect their space if they ask for it.

I'd be more than happy to answer any questions, parent or child.