Consent

Consent is predominantly associated with consenting to sex or sexual activities. It isn't really used for anything else, at least not widespread. You don't hear people talking about consenting to kissing, hand holding or hugging do you? I personally believe that lessons on consent should start at the very basics of establishing boundaries, which all kids need to do in order to grow into functional adults.

We teach our children to say no early in life, in fact the word is probably the bane of every two year olds parents. Then as adults we often look down on our kids for saying to to our friends and family, because it is rude to say no to people you know. I can remember as a child being told to hug and kiss all my relatives when they came visiting; even my creepy great aunt who I thought was a witch.

I never got away with saying no. I had to hug and kiss that creepy lady who called herself my aunt, and she always gave sloppy wet kisses on my mouth with alcohol on her breath. As I got older it was easier to avoid her, I'd be caught up hugging, kissing and chatting with family as they came through the door that I would "accidentally" miss her. Still didn't get to outright say no.

The reason I bring this up is because most crimes against children are done by people they know. We teach our children that saying no to trusted adults is rude and rebellious and we will be punished for it. At the same time we teach our children that we have to say no if anyone does anything to us that we aren't comfortable with.

I used this argument against my mother when I told her I didn't like her aunt hugging and kissing me since it made me uncomfortable. This wasn't what my mother meant when she said uncomfortable, so all I got for following her instructions and my honesty was a lecture for being a smart mouth. So I shut my mouth and did what was expected, putting up with the worst kisses and hugs I have ever in my life received until we moved too far away for that woman to visit us.

This is what happens through our lives isn't it? We do things that make us uncomfortable because we don't want to offend people. Instead we develop evasive maneuvers that have us looking like ninjas in batman onesies. Ridiculous and unnecessary. It certainly followed me right through adulthood.

It's all fun and games until something more serious than boose flavoured kisses comes along. Like your careless partner asks you to do something you don't want to do, a friend asks you to buy drugs to share, or your cousin dares you to chug a bottle of white wine and you agree reluctantly because you don't want to cause a fuss and you can't find a reason to say no besides "I'm not comfortable with that".

It's the same concept as secrets, we tell our kids to never keep secrets from us, then in a moment of weakness we do something we shouldn't, like buying the kids candy for dinner to make them shut up, and then we tell our kids to keep it a secret from the other parent.

Why do we teach our kids that they should not do things they find uncomfortable, while in the same breath we are making them do things that are uncomfortable? I mean if we can't say no to our parents, arguably the most important adults in our lives, then how are we going to say no to spouses or friends? And you wonder why Timmy jumped off the roof and broke his back Susan?

Yes it's good to put your kid into awkward situations and sometimes it is for their own good, like sending them to kindergarten so they can learn and make friends like normal children. Shouldn't we be clearer on what we mean when we say "uncomfortable" in that for adults it means something different, usually its sexual, while kids have a different meaning? Shouldn't we allow our kids the benefit of the doubt when they say they aren't comfortable?

Why is this reply not normalized by adulthood? Why is it not an acceptable reason to say no? Why confuse the next generation? How is this mixed message going to help slow down the incidents of domestic violence, drug abuse, rape, assault and general bad decisions? Everyone has a different definition of what is uncomfortable, it's our jobs as adults to identify what it means to our children at different ages and to communicate it effectively and lead by example.